Bring ‘Em Back! Part 8

This is the eighth in a series of articles aimed at helping you to get your lapsed Catholic loved one going to Church again and once again becoming a practicing Catholic. 

Excuse #2

If someone you love is not going to Mass on Sunday because he or she ‘doesn’t feel welcome,’ there is an obvious, common sense solution: change parishes.  But if the individual balks at this suggestion there may be more going on than meets the eye.

Excuse number two (I don’t really feel welcome at the church in my parish; our parish is too liberal/conservative to suit my tastes) is an excuse, like the other six excuses.  But to be fair, there are valid reasons why someone might not ‘feel welcome’ in a parish.

Our country is, for instance, strongly divided politically.  A fairly recently published paper revealed that Catholic clergy are no exception:  one-third are Democrats, one-third are Independents, and one-third are Republicans.

Since parishes usually take on the personality of the pastor, some parishes may lean left, some may be moderate, and some may lean right.  A liberal in a conservative parish, or vice versa, may indeed feel a bit unwelcome!

Consider, however, that there are over 17,500 Catholic parishes in the U.S.  It should not be that difficult to find a parish in which your friend or loved one feels comfortable.

So when this excuse is offered, it’s really just a matter of identifying why the person feels unwelcome – if that truly is the case.  The obvious question in response to I don’t feel welcome is, “What is it that makes you feel unwelcome there?”

Appearances

We should all be trying to follow Jesus’ command to love our neighbors, but sometimes we have a hard time with this teaching.

Some people let a person’s appearance dictate how they treat that person.  They just can’t get past an unkempt or slovenly appearance!  And for others it’s tattoos or piercings that are a turnoff.

Like it or not, there really are ‘church ladies’ amongst us.  They look down their noses at anyone they deem unfit to share a pew with them.  And there are likely ‘church gents’ who think guys with long hair are a ‘hippies’ and make their disdain for them clear.  But such people are not ‘walking the walk’ when it comes to Catholic Teaching.

It may be easier said than done, but the trick to dealing with such people is to just not let them bother you.  Saying a quick prayer for them is a good idea: “God, please open this person’s heart to Your unconditional love.  Help him/her to love everyone the way You love everyone.”

Consider, too, that a man dressed in jeans and a tee shirt attending Mass at a Church where the other men are all wearing suits or sports coats and ties might feel out of place.  A senior citizen at a Mass where most of the rest of the congregation are 30-somethings (or vice-versa) might also feel a bit out of place.

So step one is to identify the cause of the unwelcome feeling.  If the cause can be identified, it can most likely be remedied.

Strangers

If your lapsed Catholic loved one likes the parish he or she belongs to, there’s another possible solution to ‘not feeling welcome.’  Suggest the person pick a Mass, and then a spot, and then sit in or close to that same spot every time he or she goes to Mass.

My wife and I have been members of a large parish for 30 years.  One Sunday we attended a different Mass than we usually attend.  To our surprise we did not feel all that welcome!  In all likelihood it was because we were strangers to the people who normally sit in this section of the church at that Mass.  Sometimes people are just wary of strangers – even in church!

Regular Mass goers tend to go to a specific Mass each week and even sit in the same pew.  So when all of a sudden they see a new face their antennae may go up.  Who’s this new person?

In small or medium sized parishes, parishioners tend to know or at least recognize other parishioners.  So a new face does stand out.  But even in large parishes this can sometimes be the case.  Once a new face gets to be a familiar face, however ‘the regulars’ may become friendlier.   So maybe after a month or so of attending the same Mass each week, and sitting in the same area, the unwelcome feeling will go away.

But there are other reasons someone might not feel welcome or comfortable somewhere.  And this where things can get a bit dicey.

What’s going on in his or her head?

Most people are familiar with Ebenezer Scrooge.  Scrooge had a pretty low opinion mankind.  His views turned him into a miserable person.

It’s possible that something similar is going on with your friend or loved one.  If he or she has become disenchanted with the culture or society and is starting to develop a low opinion of mankind, such an opinion may be affecting his or her whole outlook on life.

Such an individual may only feel comfortable around friends and family. ‘Strangers’ make the person uncomfortable.  Believe it or not, fear or distrust of strangers is a real phobia!  And it has probably become a more real concern for some since the tragic events of 911.

Anthropophobia is a fear of other people, while Social Anxiety Disorder is a fear of various social situations.  So just to play it safe, it might not hurt to rule out either of these phobias as the cause for not feeling welcome!

At the same time, a person who is ‘not happy’ with himself or herself also tends to feel uncomfortable around other people.  The individual may be self-conscious about a real (or an imagined) character flaw or a physical characteristic.  But it could also be that the person is carrying around a sense of guilt about something that he or she is ashamed of.

Perhaps the individual feels an overwhelming sense of guilt over some past sin(s).  Guilt can be a powerful emotion that can cause a lot of angst in a person.  The person’s feelings of dread, anxiety, and depression may be what are behind the individual’s ‘not feeling welcome.’

Talk to a Priest

For instance, maybe the person has been using artificial contraception for many years knowing this is a sin, but has not been confessing it because the person’s poorly formed conscience won’t let him or her accept it as a sin.  On top of this the person continued to receive Communion.

Perhaps the person is a male who had a vasectomy.  Of if your friend or loved one is female, maybe she had an abortion when she was younger and still carries the burden of this terrible decision around with her.

If one of these scenarios, or something similar, is behind the feeling of ‘not feeling welcome,’ it may be difficult to get the person to open up to you.  But if you are able to get the person to open up, suggest to the person that he or she make an appointment to talk to a priest privately.  (Confession is not really the place for lengthy discussions.)

Gently remind the person that God is merciful.  God will forgive them.

More Reasons for feeling Unwelcome

It’s also possible that the person has been swayed by the false prophets of modernism and relativism and now disagrees with one or more Church Teachings.  The person may now feel alienated from the Church.

It’s quite common these days to hear some Catholics say, ‘the Church’s teachings are outdated.’  Such people have allowed themselves to be swayed by relativistic arguments and the lies of the devil.  Now they want the Church to change and affirm their thinking and their less than virtuous or even immoral behavior.

The Sexual Revolution of the 60s was all about justifying immoral behavior.  But promiscuity ignores the fact that God gave us sexual organs for procreation.  Church Doctrine says sexual intercourse is only licit behavior between a man and a woman joined in Holy Matrimony.

Homosexuals have also tried a number of different approaches in their attempts to justify same-sex sexual relationships.  Initially it was, “I’m a product of my upbringing.”  Then it was, “Homosexuality is a lifestyle choice.”  Then it was “It’s genetic.”  Now it’s “God made me this way.”  All of these ‘arguments,’ however, are attempts to justify a behavior that is intrinsically disordered and immoral.

Too many human beings are self-indulgent and don’t care to practice self-control.  They think Church teaching should change to allow ‘free sex,’ artificial contraception, co-habitation, and even sodomy.

So it’s possible that your friend or loved one is uncomfortable going to Mass because his or her views on sexuality have diverged from Church Doctrine.

But it’s also possible that the opposite has occurred!

Just Change Parishes

For example, in December 2017, just before Christmas, Fr. Gregory Greiten, the pastor of Catholic St. Bernadette Parish in Milwaukee, WI, told his congregation that he is homosexual.  If the news reports are credible, his congregation gave him a standing ovation.

In an article shortly after his announcement, Fr. Greiten wrote:  “I promise to be my authentically gay self. I will embrace the person that God created me to be.”

If he used similar words in his announcement to the congregation, a traditional, orthodox Catholic attending Mass at St. Bernadette’s on the day Fr. Greiten made the announcement, may have felt pretty uncomfortable there.

So, if your friend or loved one is a traditional-minded, orthodox Catholic in a progressive parish, maybe it’s time to change parishes.

Summing Up

If the individual who is not feeling welcome balks at the suggestion of attending Mass at a different parish, or sitting in a different spot, it’s a good indication that there may be more going on than the individual wants to share.  Trying to determine why the individual doesn’t feel welcome is key.

Ask questions and listen to the answers, but be ready for a zig zag.  It could just be that “not feeling welcome” is only a ready excuse for why the individual is not going to Mass.

And, once again, remind the person that the devil is always trying to separate us from God. Keeping holy the Lord’s Day is a Commandment that was given to us for our sake.  He does not command us to worship Him because He needs to be worshipped.  Keeping His day Holy refreshes our immortal souls.  And if we are able to receive Communion we can become one with Him.  How great is that!

Next Monday, Part 9: Excuse #3.

Part 1 is here; Part 2 here; Part 3 here; Part 4 here; Part 5 here; Part 6 here; Part 7 here.