Bring ‘Em Back! Part 3

This is the third in a series of articles aimed at helping you to get your lapsed Catholic loved one going to Church again and once again becoming a practicing Catholic. 

Understanding the Excuses and What to do

If you have a lapsed Catholic loved one or friend, the chances are pretty good that the person is somewhat confused. One or all of the factors mentioned in Parts 1 and 2 are the cause of the confusion.   And now that someone has lapsed and has stopped going to Mass.

Should you just pray for that person and continue to set a good example by practicing the Faith making sure you attend Mass every week?  Or is there something more you can do?

We know prayer can and does work miracles. St. Monica’s prayers turned her son St. Augustine’s life around big time.  So absolutely pray and even fast for your lapsed Catholic loved one(s).  But have a talk with him or her as well.

Talking is Good

As Catholics we are called to evangelize.  But with our lapsed Catholic loved ones we are in “the awkward situation of needing to evangelize the Baptized, needing to re-evangelize the sacramentalized, as well as – and this is where apologetics comes in – sacramentalizing those who were evangelized” as Jimmy Akin said.

Having a heart-to-heart talk with that someone you care about on the importance of going to Mass may well be the starting point to getting them back to living their Faith.

Love and truth go hand in hand, and the truth is that your lapsed Catholic loved one is putting his or her immortal soul in jeopardy.  But you have to express this truth in a caring and loving way.

Many these days have bought into the idea that correcting a sinner is being judgmental.  But this is not so.  In fact, Scripture tells us to correct the sinner.  So don’t buy into the ‘don’t be judgmental’ claptrap.  Trying to save a soul from eternal damnation is a Christian’s duty.

Have a Plan

Before you try to have a talk, however, you need a plan.  You need to know how you’re going to start the conversation, and how you are going to respond to statements like “I don’t want to talk about it.” Additionally, you’ll need to be prepared to counter statements like “That’s just what I think,” and “Your truth is not my truth.”

You may also need to brush up on Catholic teaching and the ‘why’s’ behind it so you can explain to your friend or loved one why their thinking is wrong or ‘muddled,’ or at least know where to go for answers.

You also should be aware of the reasons (i.e., excuses) lapsed Catholic give for not going to Mass.

Surveys say . . .

In February 2008, CARA surveyed 1,007 self-identified adult Catholics in the U.S.  The survey was aimed at finding out about participation in the sacramental life of the Church and beliefs about the sacraments.  Some of the ‘reasons’ Catholics gave for not going every to Mass every week were:

“Among Catholics who attend Mass less than weekly but at least once a month, a busy schedule or lack of time (51 percent), family responsibilities (48 percent), or health problems or a disability (41 percent) are the most frequently cited reasons that at least “somewhat” explain why they miss Mass. Among Catholics attending Mass a few times a year or less often, the most common reasons cited that explain at least “somewhat” their missing Mass are that they don’t believe “missing Mass is a sin” (64 percent) and that they are “not a very religious person” (50 percent).”

Villanova Survey

A 2011 survey conducted by the Villanova University Center for the Study of Church Management for the Diocese of Trenton NJ, had a more focused aim:  find out why many Catholics in the Diocese had stopped going to Mass.  Some 300 lapsed Catholics responded to the surveyors. The “reasons” they offered for not attending Mass were all over the place.

According to the surveyors:

• “There were many complaints about the quality of homilies as well as about poor music at Mass.”
• “The scandal surrounding the sexual abuse of minors by clergy was mentioned often.”
• “About half of the respondents, however, were not enthusiastically supportive of their pastors. . . . Words like “arrogant,” “distant,” “aloof” and “insensitive” appeared often enough to suggest that attention must be paid to evidence of “clericalism” in the diocese.”

Perhaps not too surprisingly, two responses point to the role that politics now plays in our lives:

• “Change the liberal-progressive political slant to a more conservative, work-ethic atmosphere.”
• “. . . eliminate the extreme conservative haranguing.”

However, when respondents were asked “Are there any changes your parish might make that would prompt you to return?” the surveyors “found no easily discernible trend in their replies.”

I tend to think that the reason the researchers “found no easily discernible trend in their replies” is because the respondents were simply offering up excuses for not going to Mass.  They have been deceived by the devil into thinking going to Mass is not that important.

Pew Survey

A Pew Survey conducted in 2018, sheds more light on the problem.  Catholics who do not attend Mass with any regularity cited the following reasons for not attending Mass:

• 47% said ‘I practice my faith in other ways’
• 19% said ‘I haven’t found a church I like’
• 19% said ‘I don’t have the time’
• 19% cited poor health or difficulty getting around
• 14% said ‘I don’t feel welcome’
• 10% said ‘There isn’t a church in my area”

Sad.

The ‘Big 7’ Excuses

There are only a couple valid reasons for not attending mass on Sunday.  All the other reasons people give for not attending Mass are excuses, plain and simple.  And all the excuses might be boiled down into these seven:

1. I don’t get anything out of Mass; it’s boring, the homilies are dull / uninspiring, and besides, I’m too busy to go to Mass.
2. I don’t feel welcome at the church in my parish; our parish is too liberal/conservative to suit my tastes.
3. I don’t have to go to church to keep the Lord’s Day holy.
4. Going to church is just a man-made rule to fill the collection plate.
5. I don’t agree with the Church’s teachings on sex / contraception / marriage / divorce / homosexuality.
6. The sex abuse scandal was disgusting.  I don’t go to church now because     every time I see a priest today I can’t help but wonder if he is just another a     pedophile pretending to be holy.
7. Organized religion is hogwash; it’s full of hypocrites.

None of these excuses are valid reasons for breaking the Third Commandment and possibly the First Commandment as well.  They are all just another way of saying, ‘I don’t feel like going to church,’ or ‘I don’t want to go to church.’

Time for a Talk

So how do you talk to someone who offers one of these excuses?  It depends.  If the individual is fairly easy-going, start by asking a simple question in a sincere and non-attacking way:

“Hey Sam (or Samantha), I’ve been wondering, how come you’ve stopped going to church on Sunday?” 

If the answer you get is, “I’m not really sure why I stopped going to church. I should probably start going again” you can relax.  The discussion just got a lot easier.

If Sam or Samantha is single you could reply, “Great!  How about coming to Mass with me on Sunday.  I can pick you up and we’ll go together.”

If he or she balks at the invite, don’t push it.  You’ve planted a seed.  With some additional love and nurturing the seed may yet bear fruit.

If Sam/Samantha is married, you might suggest meeting up with him and his wife (or her and her husband) at mass and going to breakfast or brunch afterwards.

At some point you’ll want to bring up the subject of Confession\Reconciliation, but that’s down the road.  You’ve at least gotten the person to take or think about taking the first step.

The Worry Alarm

On the other hand, if the person tends to be a bit more intense or opinionated, or tends to always be busy, your approach may have to take a different tack.  Asking when he or she has some time for a conversation might be the way to start.

You could say: “Sam (or Samantha) I’ve wanted to talk to you about something for some time now.  When would be a good time to have a serious conversation?”

Of course, this may set off the person’s worry alarm.  Many people do not like serious conversations.  He or she may say, “Uh oh, that sounds a bit ominous!  Are you okay?  You don’t have a serious illness or something, do you?”

The response to this question is, “No, I am fine, but what I want to talk about is a touchy subject for some people.”  This may then evoke a response like:

“What is it that you want to talk about?”  This response is just an attempt to get you to ‘tip your hand.’

The reply to this question is, “Do you have some time to talk now?  I do want to have a serious discussion with you.  I don’t want you to just blow me off and not get to talk to you about this.”

Some possible responses to this may be, “Okay, what did I do or not do now?”  Or, “What?  Did I hurt your feelings somehow”?  Or, “What?  Did I say something that offended you?”

These responses are more attempts to get you to tip your hand.  Simply reply with a variation of your initial reply.  You have to quell the person’s worry alarm and gently pull the individual in to having the conversation.

Easy Does It

One way to put the person at ease is to say: “I just want to understand your thoughts and your point of view on something.    Isn’t that what having a conversation is?  Exchanging thoughts and ideas?” 

Another way to put the person at ease is to say:

“Sam (or Samantha) you know I love you, don’t you?  I’m not mad at you.  But I do want to hear your thoughts on something.  Then I want to be able to offer my thoughts if we are not on the same page. And I don’t think the conversation is one that can be had in two minutes.  So when would you have some time to talk?”

If you’ve put the person at ease, he or she may say, “Okay, let’s talk now.  I’ve got some time.”

But if the person is the suspicious type, he or she may try to put off the talk in another attempt to find out what you want to talk about.  That’s fine.  Give the person all the time he/she wants.  Be patient.  Eventually curiosity should get the better of the person and he or she will say, “Okay, let’s have that conversation you wanted to have.”  But if the person does not bring it up, gently remind the person when you see him or her again that you are still waiting to talk.

Timing is Everything

Remember the old adage – timing is everything.  Recognize that while you may be ready to talk, your loved one or friend may just not be in the mood right now for a serious conversation.  So be patient.

When you do sit down to talk, realize that the discussion may turn into a number of discussions.  These discussions may continue over the next few weeks, over the next few months, or even over the next couple of years.  Don’t try to rush things.  Be patient.

Next Monday, Part 4: Conversation Prep.

Part 1 is here; Part 2 is here.