Bring ‘Em Back! Part 4

This is the fourth in a series of articles aimed at helping you to get your lapsed Catholic loved one going to Church again and once again becoming a practicing Catholic. 

Conversation Prep

What kind of Catholic has your lapsed Catholic loved one been for most of his or her life?  Taking some time to think about this is time well spent.  Consider it “Conversation Prep.”

Was Sam or Samantha a devout Catholic or a ‘lukewarm’ Catholic before lapsing?  Or has he/she always been a ‘Catholic in Name Only’ (CINO) – the kind of Catholic who skipped Mass often and/or who openly disagrees with a number of Church Teachings?

For devout Catholics, the Mass, and the miracle of transubstantiation that takes place during Mass, is a wondrous, uplifting, awe-inspiring experience.  Mass is the highlight of their week.

But for ‘lukewarm’ Catholics, Sunday Mass is a more of a duty.  It only becomes a transformative experience once they are finally at Mass.  Once at Mass they realize that it really does refresh their souls.  Once in a while they do miss Mass, but for the most part they try to be good Catholics.

Sadly, however, there are some Catholics – the CINOs – who have never really lived their faith.

When CINOs go to Mass (if they bother to go to Mass at all) they’re probably thinking about the work they have waiting for them at home, or the ballgame they are missing, or any of the other things they would rather be doing.

They also have probably not been to Confession in quite some time.  And when they do go to Mass they may still be going to Holy Communion, even though they are not in a state of grace.

So what kind of Catholic Sam or Samantha is will help you determine how to steer the conversation.

Age & Education

Age and education also matter.  Is the individual a 20- or 30-something, or is the person in his or her 40s, 50s, or 60s?  Did the person attend parochial schools or go to public schools?  Is the person a college graduate?

Age and education help give the problem some context.  A 30- or 40-something individual, who attended only public schools, may not have been well catechized.  The person may just not have a very good understanding of what Catholic teaching says or why.

On the other hand, someone who attended a parochial grade school and high school, but then went to a public college, may be experiencing an overwhelming sense of relativism.

The experience of Catholic blogger Matt Nelson sheds some light on why this matters.  He became “spiritually indifferent” while in college.

“When I was in my early twenties, I suffered from a wicked bout of spiritual restlessness. After a couple years of university, my Catholic upbringing had lost much of its hold on me.”

So having some idea of how much the person knows (and understands) about the Catholic Faith is helpful.  If the individual was poorly catechized, you may have to explain not only what the Church teaches but the ‘why’ behind Church teaching.

Listen – DO NOT Lecture

When the conversation gets underway, DO NOT turn it into a lecture.  A conversation is two people exchanging thoughts and ideas.  You don’t want the person you are talking with to think you are admonishing, criticizing, or telling him or her what to do.

Ideally you want the person to come to the conclusion that his or her thinking is in error all by him or herself.  To accomplish this you will have to ask questions like “Why do you think that?” or “What has led you to believe that?”  You will also have to be able to counter erroneous statements. (In the world of sales this is called ‘overcoming objections.’)

Remember that not going to Mass has become a habit, albeit a bad habit, for your loved one or friend.  And people like to rationalize their behavior, even when that behavior is misguided.  It may take time to get your friend or loved to ‘see the light!’

You may have to re-evangelize your sacramentalized loved one.

Evangelizing

Most Catholics do not have a lot of experience evangelizing, so here’s some expert advice.

In 1985, Father Bob Bedard founded the order of the Companions of the Cross (CC), a priestly order dedicated to renewing the Church through Evangelization.

Father John Vandenakker, CC, is one of the original members of the Companions of the Cross.  He is currently Assistant Professor of Systematic Theology and Director of Graduate Pastoral Formation at Sacred Heart Major Seminary (SHMS) in Detroit.  In addition to teaching other courses, he teaches seminarians how to evangelize.

A 3-Step Process

Fr. Vandenakker says that Fr. Bedard describes evangelization as being a 3- step process:
1: Our responsibility is to share the good news of Salvation through Jesus Christ.
2: God is responsible for convicting the hearer of the good news to the truth.
3: The hearer of the good news is responsible for responding to the truth.

Keep this in mind.  Your responsibility is to make the effort.  God is responsible for “convicting the hearer of the good news to the truth.”  This will likely be done in God’s time, according to His plan, not yours.

Fr. Vandenakker also offers 8 tips for evangelizing, or, in this case, re-evangelizing.

Tip #1: Prepare in prayer

Put the Blessed Mother and Pope St. John Paul II to work.  Ask them for help.

Tip #2: Prepare the soil 

Show interest, love, and concern.  We never know when someone is going to open up to us.

If the relationship between you and your lapsed Catholic loved one is ‘strained,’ before you try to re-evangelize the individual, you should first work on repairing the relationship.  On the other hand, if you have a good, caring, loving relationship with the person, you’ve already crossed this bridge.

Tip #3: Be yourself

Some people have a special charism for evangelization, but all Catholics are called to evangelize.  Even if you are a quiet person by nature, that’s okay!  Grace builds on nature, so just be your natural self.

Tip #4: Trust in the Lord

Trust that the Holy Spirit will give you the words.

Tip #5: Look for Natural Openings

Empathize. Show them you are a person of faith, but don’t hit them over the head with your faith.

Natural openings come much easier with a loved one, especially if you and your loved one are in the habit of sharing the ups and downs of your lives.  Be ready for the opening when it comes!

Tip #6: Be Bold, be Courageous

Be a witness for your faith.  God uses us in amazing ways so let our light shine.  People are more apt to listen to testimony or witness than they are to a theologian. More important than sharing words when evangelizing (or re-evangelizing) is to share your joy and be a witness for your faith.

Tip #7: What to say?

Fr. Vandenakker believes in the KISS principle – Keep It Simple Stupid!

Most people, he says, have an existential sense that something is wrong inside.  We’re yearning for something more and nothing earthly will satisfy that, as St. Augustine said.  You can zone in on that by saying ‘are you really happy?’  ‘Are you really fulfilled?’

Tip #8: Don’t be afraid of rejection

LEAVE THE RESULTS TO GOD.  Don’t be afraid of a little negative feedback or even a hostile response.

In re-evangelizing your friend or loved one, at the very least you are planting seeds.  Who can know what might happen in the middle of the night when the person is restless or upset.  The Holy Spirit may remind them about something you said about God, prayer, or the importance of going to Mass.

And realize that the hardest people to evangelize/re-evangelize are your own family members.  They know you and all your faults.  So be humble.

Zig Zagging

Also before you start the conversation realize your loved may try to zig zag!  The individual may start off offering Excuse #1, and realize that you are countering that excuse with some excellent points.  So the individual may suddenly throw Excuse #4 at you, and if that doesn’t work, Excuse #2 may get offered.

Remember that your lapsed Catholic loved one or friend has become comfortable with his or her decision to not go to Mass on Sunday.  The discussion is going to make that comfort zone a not so comfortable place.

The 5 P’s

Be patient.  It may take hours of conversation to make the individual realize that he or she has simply bought into to a modernistic way of thinking influenced by the devil.

In each conversation you have you will be planting seeds.  With God’s help, these seeds will blossom.

Pray that the Gifts and the Fruits of the Holy Spirit will be re-awakened in your lapsed Catholic loved one.  And pray to the Holy Spirit for the wisdom to say what your lapsed Catholic loved one needs to hear.

Persevere, but don’t be pushy.  Be polite and understanding.  The truth can be hard for some people to hear.  They may get defensive.  Don’t get argumentative.

Be prepared to go the distance.  Have a plan and do your homework.  Think about how you will respond to irrational statements. Have answers and/or resources at the ready.

Next Monday, Part 5: The Third Commandment

Part 1 is here; Part 2 is here; Part 3 is here.