Honor Your Father and Your Mother

In the first three Commandments, God tells us how to honor Him.  Then He immediately tells us to honor our fathers and mothers.

Since God is omniscient and perfect, we know that God’s priorities are exactly right.  The Catholic Church offers an explanation for this prioritization in the “Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC).”

“2197 The fourth commandment opens the second table of the Decalogue. It shows us the order of charity. God has willed that, after Him, we should honor our parents to whom we owe life and who have handed on to us the knowledge of God.”

But just how do we honor our fathers and our mothers?

Again, the CCC offers advice and guidance on how to keep the Fourth Commandment, in Part Three, Section Two, Article Four (starting here). It further explains that the Fourth Commandment is the only commandment with a promise attached to it:

“2200 Observing the fourth commandment brings its reward: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the LORD your God gives you.” Respecting this commandment provides, along with spiritual fruits, temporal fruits of peace and prosperity. Conversely, failure to observe it brings great harm to communities and to individuals.”

An article at FocusontheFamily.com provides a much shorter answer to how.  It says that honoring our parents means always showing them respect, accepting their authority, obeying them, and appreciating them.

Most children do these four things quite naturally, but how does honoring one’s parents work when children become adults?

Disrespecting Parents

Sadly, just as many people have a problem today with the other  Commandments, some people in the 21^st Century also seem to have a problem keeping the Fourth Commandment.  Today some adult children hate and/or despise their parents just because their parents have views that are different from theirs.

Dr. Ray Guarendi, a Catholic father of ten, clinical psychologist, author, professional speaker, and national radio and television host, says there is a “generational epidemic” taking place right now along these lines.  He says adult children are shunning their parents for having different political and ideological views.  Such is the divide ideologies, secularism, and politics, have caused.

The post-Christian society we now live in has sown many seeds of confusion.  As such, I suspect some adult children are shunning their parents over mere differences of opinion on a wide range of things.

There is no good reason for hating or shunning anyone, let alone one’s  parents, over any kind of disagreement.  And the easiest thing in the world would be for a parent to be a peacemaker and acquiesce to an adult child’s unyielding but wrong opinion that he or she is right. But such an approach would only serve to teach the adult children the wrong lesson.  It is the adult child who must honor his or her parents, not the other way around.

Abusive Parents

Sometimes, however, there are at least understandable reasons for adult children disliking their parents.  An abusive parent or parents immediately comes to mind.

I think God would not expect the abused to show undue honor to their abusive parents.  But, as St. Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:31-32, “All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice.  [And] be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.”

So the abused child must still forgive his or her abusive parents and show them compassion, especially when the parents are elderly and/or infirmed.

Children as Children

Most parents, however, love their progeny and strive to be good parents.  And for the most part, in most families, children return that love.  Catholic teaching refers to this parent-child relationship as “filial piety.”

“2215 Respect for parents (filial piety) derives from gratitude toward those who, by the gift of life, their love and their work, have brought their children into the world and enabled them to grow in stature, wisdom, and grace. “With all your heart honor your father, and do not forget the birth pangs of your mother. Remember that through your parents you were born; what can you give back to them that equals their gift to you”?

“2216 Filial respect is shown by true docility and obedience . . . “

Children as Teenagers

But when children become teenagers and then adults, the parent-child relationship sometimes get discombobulated.  Teenaged angst and rebelliousness rears up.  The phrase ‘You’re not the boss of me’ sometimes gets applied to everyone, including parents.

Our government run schools, for some years now, have mistakenly emphasized self-esteem over humility.  One result of this is lack of respect for “our elders,” including parents.  And some people now think not respecting our elders is okay (see here and here, for instance).

On the flip side, as one Christian writer laments, “Today I am astounded at the lack of respect that children have for parents or any other authority figure.  They regularly spew vulgar words at the parents, teachers and even law enforcement officials. They do whatever they want to do with no regard, or respect for anyone.”

Such disrespect for our elders or “other authority figures” completely disregards Jesus’ teaching in His Sermon on the Mount, especially the first and third Beatitudes.  This is another result of government-run education and secularism in today’s society.  Instead of being at the forefront of how we live our lives, God’s truths and His teachings are ignored.

“If you want my respect you must give me respect” or “If you disrespect me, I’m going to disrespect you” are statements often heard today.  But both statements fly in the face of Jesus’ command to “turn the other cheek” [Mathew 5:39].

Children as Adults

When high self-esteem kids become adults, they tend to think that they are now equal to their parents in every respect.  But they have yet to face the difficulties and hardships their parents have dealt with.

The fact of the matter is life was more arduous and strenuous (i.e., difficult) for my great grandparents than it was for my grandparents.  And it was more difficult for my grandparents than it was for my parents. Life was also more difficult for my parents that it has been for me.  And life was more challenging for me than it has been for my children.

The equality adult children have with their parents only extends as far as the equality all human beings share.  Adult children simply cannot claim full and complete equality with their parents.  And lest they forget, it was their parents who brought them into the world, nurtured and raised them, not the other way around.

Equal, But Not in Every Way

But for some sons and daughters, hubris is a byproduct of adulthood.  They think that because they are now adults they have magically been gifted with wisdom beyond their years.

And if they are college graduates, adult children sometimes think they must surely know everything they need to know to make a good life for themselves.  But with huge college loans to pay off, they can’t find a job that will pay them what they think they deserve. Suddenly they realize being an adult is not a cakewalk.

Today, according to Scripps News, “half of all young adults are living with their parents, according to a new survey by Harris Poll for Bloomberg.”  Just 50 years earlier, in 1974, this figure was 30 percent or fewer.  And I suspect that in 1924 it was probably less than 5 percent.

“Hey, it’s a different world today than when you were growing up” an adult child may say.  And this is true in many ways, especially in one: technology has made life easier today.

But even though the world has changed, God’s Truths have not changed one iota.  The filial piety children owe their parents is owed to them for as long as they live.

Children as Husbands and Wives

When adult children marry, the discombobulation can take a new turn.  How do, for instance, a husband and wife balance their duties toward one another with their duties toward their parents?

One way to do this is to heed Catholic teaching.

“2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel” [emphasis added].

In other words, instead of the husband and wife thinking “We are now one, and we are our own family, so we are free to do and think and act as we please,” the husband and wife must still be mindful of “filial piety.”

In today’s very secular world filial piety is called a “traditional Chinese virtue.”  But this completely ignores Scripture.  As the Catechism footnotes point out, the first 16 verses of Sirach Chapter 3 are all about one’s responsibilities toward parents – filial piety.

The long and short of it is that even when a son is a husband and father, and a daughter is a wife and mother, they are still a son and a daughter.  They must still honor and respect their parents wishes even while they honor one another.  And this means, by extension, as CCC 2199 says, the commandment “requires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors.”

It also means the husband must honor the wife’s parents (and ancestors), and the wife must honor her husband’s parents (and ancestors).  This sometimes becomes a problem when ancestries are different.

A Plot Twist

Suppose, for instance, that the husband or wife in a marriage is not inclined to honor the other spouse’s parents and/or ancestry. This puts the adult child of the ‘dishonored’ parents in a pickle (i.e., caught in the middle, for those unfamiliar with the baseball pickle).

Say, for instance, that the wife does not like the husband’s parents for some reason.  Or perhaps the wife strongly favors her parents (or her own cultural heritage) over the husband’s, or does not care to be around or even visit the husband’s parents!  How does the husband honor his wife yet still honor his own parents in such a situation?  And how does he make his wife understand that she owes honor to his parents in the same way she honors her own parents?

It’s hindsight to suggest that the husband should have seen this coming.   He really should have taken steps to diffuse the problem before he said, “I do.”  Post vows, however, the die is cast.  The husband has put himself in the pickle. Extricating himself while honoring his wife and parents at the same time is not going to be easy.

It Happens a Lot!

If you google “my wife hates my parents” you will get almost 61 million results.  Apparently in this digital age we live in, many turn to the internet for advice in such a situation.  And if you take the time to read some of the results, you’ll find some pretty horrifying scenarios.  You’ll also find some pretty basic advice.  ‘Talk it out’ and ‘get counseling’ take centerstage.

Communication in a relationship is always important.  But keeping God and His teachings first and foremost in a marriage is even more important.  Sadly, in many marriages God only exists as an afterthought, if at all.

Open and honest discussion between all concerned parties can also be emotionally taxing.  And if one or more of the parties have one or more personality disorder traits, the ‘communication’ could create even more problems than it solves.  For this reason alone, seeking the services of a professional Catholic counselor in such a situation is probably the best first step.

Old Age

When parents become elderly and are no longer able to care for themselves, how should their adult children continue to honor them?  They could start by remembering that mercy, compassion, and self-sacrifice are  paramount.

As Sirach 3:12 says, “My son, be steadfast in honoring your father; do not grieve him as long as he lives.”

As long as mom and dad are capable of caring for themselves, everything is usually hunky-dory.  Once this is no longer the case, however, problems spring up and decisions have to be made.  And this is when things usually get tough.

The easy way out is to stick elderly parents (or parent, if one is deceased) into a nursing home or some kind of senior care facility.  But this is selfishness.

In today’s world adult children often make decisions concerning their elderly parents thinking “what’s best for me and my own family.” But they should be thinking “what’s best for mom and/or dad.”  And when one’s parents have been good, loving parents there really is no good reason to not to take care of them.

It’s really a case of role reversal.  Parents sacrifice and take care of their children because children need to be taken care of.  When parents need to be taken care of in their old age, their children owe it to their parents to sacrifice and take care of them.

(Dr. Guarendi has a 7-minute audio blog on this topic [here] that is worth a listen.)

What Scripture Says

The bottom line is that adult children should be taking their elderly parents into their home when the parents are no longer capable of living by themselves.  Adult children must be willing to sacrifice for their parents, just as their parents sacrificed for them.

St. Paul even tells us so, in so many words, in Philippians 2:3-4: “Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but [also] everyone for those of others.”

If this is true for “others” how much truer must it be for our parents?

St. Paul answers this question in 1 Timothy 5:3-4: “Honor widows who are truly widows.  But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let these first learn to perform their religious duty to their own family and to make recompense to their parents, for this is pleasing to God.”

Paul ‘brings it home’ in verse eight: “And whoever does not provide for relatives and especially family members has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”  Sticking mom or dad in a nursing home is NOT providing for them.

Just as Jesus came to serve, and sacrificed Himself for us, so must we sacrifice ourselves for others – especially for our parents who sacrificed for us (Mark 10:44-45).

Sadly, self-sacrifice is another of God’s teachings that society ignores today.

Some Resources

Sometimes an elderly parent needs the kind of special care only a nurse or trained medical practitioner can provide.  And this is where things can get dicey.  Such care can be expensive.

The National Council on Aging website and the Eldercare Locator websites  are good sources for information on help and the various alternatives available for senior care.  Another good source of information is the website SeniorLiving.org.  This website even has a page called Catholic Assisted Living and Senior Care.

Regardless of the path chosen for providing care, however, remember that our parents sacrificed for us.  We, too, must be ready and willing to sacrifice for them.  It’s one of the many ways we honor our mothers and fathers.