Desolation

In Ignatian spirituality, there is something known as consolation and desolation. Very simply put, Consolation is when we feel the closeness of God. Grace abounds and we seem to be in tune with the Spirit of the universe as well as things that surround us. It is a going out of ourselves. Consolation does not always mean we feel happy or peaceful, but it is an outflowing that seems to be connected with the Spirit. Desolation is the feeling of disconnectedness, dryness, and distance from God. An in-turning, focus on self or the inability to go beyond our limited perception of the moment. I don’t claim to know much about Ignatian Spirituality, but since my spiritual director is a Jesuit, I have come to have a rudimentary understanding of the terms. But I think the terms are self-evident.

Recently I have entered the desert. A time of desolation. It is very difficult to write this piece because I feel that I must be optimistic about the faith. Writing from an inspired viewpoint. Instead, I feel lethargic, lazy, and uninspired. In my defense, I just finished a major turning point in my research and doctoral studies. Now I feel as though I just want to sit around and do nothing. Nothing is of interest, reading, watching movies, going for walks, everything seems dull. Even visiting with friends has lost its flavor. Some may say this is depression, but I know it is desolation. I’ve been here before.

Desolation looks different at various times. The most telling sign for me is that my spiritual life has become rote. It seems that prayer isn’t really prayer, it’s just reciting words. Reading the Divine Office seems like reading instead of experiencing or understanding the depth of the psalms. It seems as though my perspective toward the Sacraments and my desire for God has just faded away.

Early in my spiritual life, this type of feeling sent me away from prayer and the Church. It doesn’t work! I would think. Why go to Mass? Why Confession? Why pray? This, of course, is not the right attitude or thing to do, but it was my reaction. Inevitably I’d be brought to my senses, usually through some sort of self-imposed crisis to which there was no other escape except through a desperate return to prayer and God. Begging for help as I stood outside the realm of human aid.

As I have grown in my spiritual life I have come to see and realize, or perhaps just understand that the only way through the desert is persistence. Once, many years ago while in the midst of a painful time and I called a friend for help. She said: “When you’re going through hell… don’t stop.” Simple and profound. My tendency is to pitch a tent right in the middle of my problem and sit there trying to figure it out. Some delusional idea that if I just sort it all out I’ll be better. Completely unable to see that my self-will is probably what got me here in the first place and surrendering to God is probably the only way out.

Today I see things differently. I know this is just a phase and it will pass. But one thing I do that seems to help me in these times is to spiritually re-arrange the furniture. I hold fast to certain things like the Divine Office, but I start to seek other spiritual reading, go to my spiritual director, and try to practice other spiritual exercises that are new. While this is difficult, mostly because I don’t want to do something new, I find that I am much more apt to pay attention because I don’t know the words and am not familiar with the approach.

I also find that reading the Desert Fathers is helpful. Short, pithy little bits of spiritual wisdom make me feel as though I’m not alone and that even great spiritual men have experienced what I am going through. One of my favorites is St. Anthony of the Desert. He describes a similar situation and the solution he found:

              When Saint Abba Anthony was dwelling in the desert one time, he became dispirited, and his thoughts were extremely dark and gloomy.
              He was saying to God, “Lord, I want to be saved, and my thoughts won’t leave me alone! Afflicted like this, what will I do? How will I be saved?”
              A little later, going outside, Anthony saw someone like him: he was sitting and working; then he would stand up from his work and pray. Then he would sit down and plait rope; then once again he would stand to pray. It was an angle of the Lord, sent to set Anthony right and strengthen him.
              Anthony heard the angel saying, “Do what I am doing, and you will be saved.”
              Hearing this, he was filled with joy and courage. So, doing what the angel had said, he was saved.

This is sound advice. To try to work and pray. Keep to simple things and above all persist. Persistence, I believe is key to weathering the storm. Keep to the simple routine of prayer.

Desolation can be tricky. I find that I usually have some expectation that if I do certain things, more prayer, more meditation, more Sacraments, I can somehow shorten my time in the desert. However, this is simply wishful thinking on my part. My human failure to understand that it is God who decides. This is a strange paradox. My lazy human mind sometimes has thought to itself, Well fine. If it doesn’t matter what I do why do anything? And that is erroneous thinking. Of course, it matters. But being a frail human I want it to matter in the sense that I get the results I want and, not only that but get them when I want them.

Perhaps, as my spiritual director has suggested, this time of desolation is not necessarily how God gets my attention but perhaps how I am reminded of my absolute powerlessness and need for rely on Him who is the center of all. A simple reminder that grace is always around me, but I don’t always feel it in the same way is the old Arab proverb states: “The nature of rain is the same but it grows thorns in the marshes and flowers in the garden.”

Another help for me in these times of desolation is actual physical exercise and paying attention to what I eat. It might sound strange, but I find that I tend to become dualistic in my approach when in the desert. I focus on the ‘spiritual’ side of things and nothing else. Short walks, eating healthy food, drinking lots of water, and also helping others. These things combined with a persistent prayer life bring about a change in me. Sometimes it is only a simple uplift of my spirit, but these small moments keep me moving forward.

There is also the power of music. Sometimes I find that God comes to me very profoundly through the senses. And at times when I can find no uplift of spirit I sometimes just turn on The Hillbilly Thomists https://www.hillbillythomists.com and sing along. The Hillbilly Thomists are a group of Dominican monks who play bluegrass music and have recorded a few albums. I had no idea that I liked Bluegrass music and I’m not really sure how I found out about them but their music does seem to move me. And if you’re not familiar with them, they’ve just released a new album. My favorite video of theirs is from their last album Living for the Other Side and is called “Our Help is in the Name of the Lord.” The link to the video is here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKDG9DF7mhA

I think I like their music so much because it is indeed inspiring and it’s fun. Sometimes when I’m in desolation I forget that the Spirit is playful and God delights in us. If I stick to his ways I will be brought through the darkness and again see the brightness of the Spirit.

The Lord begot me, the beginning of his works,
The forerunner of his deeds of long ago;
From of old I was formed
at the first, before the earth.
When there were no deeps I was brought forth,
when there were no fountains or springs of water;
Before the mountains were settled into place,
Before the hills, I was brought forth;
When the earth and the fields were not yet made,
nor the first clods of the world.
When he established the heavens, there was I,
when he marked out the vault over the face of the deep;
When he made firm the skies above,
when he fixed fast the springs of the deep;
When he set for the sea its limit,
so that the waters should not transgress his command;
When he fixed the foundations of the earth,
then was I beside him as artisan;
I was his delight day by day,
playing before him all the while,
Playing over the whole of his earth,
having my delight with human beings. (Proverbs 8:22-31).