When NFP Is Hard, Go To Joseph

Did you know that St. Joseph is a uniquely good intercessor when NFP is hard? In the second portion of his book, Consecration to St. Joseph, Fr. Donald Calloway reflects on the virtues of St. Joseph. Several of these reflections focus on the virility of St. Joseph. As my husband and I read them, I found this reframing of the blessed foster-father of Jesus uncomfortable. But as we continued to work through the book, I found unexpected comfort in Joseph’s restraint.

If the idea of Joseph as a strong young man, called to sacrifice his passions to serve the Lord like a priest while living in a marriage, makes you uncomfortable, read on! I hope that, through my own reflection on this, you might join me in holy awe of this great man and saint.

Reminder: Sexual Desire is Not Sinful

As Catholics, we know that rightly ordered sexual intercourse is God’s great gift to married couples. We also know that sexual desire in and of itself is not evil, but rather a good, natural impulse. It becomes sinful when we allow it to control us or seek its fulfillment in distorted ways (fornication, adultery, pornography, masturbation, etc).

As a result of well-intentioned but poorly executed chastity messaging, many Catholic adults can feel shame around sexual desire. When NFP is hard, we can feel guilty that purity is a struggle. As a result, we can subconsciously turn even married saints into pristine statues who sacrificially “did the deed” for the sake of conceiving children. The idea of saints having natural passions or enjoying the pleasures gifted to married couples as the Church intends can feel scandalous. This, in many ways, was the shame that St. John Paul II sought to address through the Theology of the Body. Popular Catholic therapist Dr. Gregory Popcak tackles this in a more simple but effective way in his book, Holy Sex!.

Both emphasize the same important truth: God made the bodies and souls of men and women. He gave them natural desire for each other and made their bodies for each other. The desire of man and woman to come together physically is a good desire but one which sin has distorted. Through grace, we can reclaim the goodness of our bodies and its natural desires and grow in the virtues necessary to properly order these desires to God’s will.

The Powerful Witness of a Young St. Joseph

So, yes, the saints would have shared the same natural desires that all humans experience. This includes St. Joseph! As Fr. Calloway explains in great detail in his book, popular opinion in the Church is shifting in favor of viewing Joseph as a young man. Venerable Fulton Sheen was a strong believer in a young Joseph. Catholic Answers quotes Fulton Sheen in their helpful article on the topic:

As Ven. Fulton Sheen would later observe, many of the popular “old Joseph” depictions “unconsciously made Joseph a spouse chaste and pure by age rather than virtue.” Sheen argued that Joseph “was probably a young man, strong, virile, athletic, handsome, chaste, and disciplined,” the kind of man one sees sometimes “working at a carpenter’s bench. Instead of being a man incapable of love, he must have been on fire with love.”

What a powerful side of Joseph we miss when we assume his chaste marriage was not a sacrifice! Joseph, full of reverence for Mary and love for God, was respectful of his calling. Just as a young seminarian takes a vow of chastity so he can best fulfill the demands of his vocation, Joseph also vowed to remain chaste so he could best serve, protect, and honor his wife, whom God had chosen as the Mother of the Savior.

Josephite Marriage: A Beautiful Sacrifice

When you consider Mary and Joseph as two young adults, united through marriage and full of love for each other but living in perfect chastity, their marriage is awe-inspiring. As married couples learn over time, the yearning for physical unity can spring from the desire for spiritual and emotional closeness as well as physical. Theology of the Body again explains that sexual intimacy that is accompanied by spiritual and emotional intimacy is the most pleasurable. This is because it is the most unifying.

Mary and Joseph, with their shared calling to parent God’s only Son, may have had one of the closest spiritual and emotional marriages. How much greater would their desire have been to match the closeness of their souls with the actions of their bodies? What heroic virtue, patience, and love for God it would have required to offer up their holy yearnings to God!

Mary, in her perfection, would have been able to balance this desire against God’s will with greater ease. But Joseph, even in his great virtue, would have carried the heavier cross. Living together by marriage would have deepened the sacrifice while also offering comfort. I imagine Mary and Joseph would have become the best of friends as they walked this difficult road together.

When NFP Is Hard: Abstinence in Marriage

The Church teaches married couples that each act of sexual intercourse must be unitive and procreative. This means that, even in marriage, there can be long periods of abstinence to avoid pregnancy when necessary. For some couples, this can mean up to half of every month is a time of putting sexual desire second to the needs of the family. It can also mean some couples will wait months (or years, in extreme cases) if medical or other serious conditions require the highest level of care to avoid pregnancy.

No matter the length of time, saying no to both the pleasure of sexual intimacy and the ways it can bless a couple’s relationship is a painful sacrifice. In these instances, couples have to try harder to love and support each other. They also must remember to offer up their abstinence as a sacrifice of love for God.

In Painful Periods of Waiting, Remember Joseph

When NFP is hard, remember Joseph! When you and your spouse are staring down the long stretch of another period of waiting, consider Joseph’s lifelong sacrifice. Recall that Joseph modeled his roles as man, husband, and father in an exemplary way that helped shape God’s only Son. He would not have achieved this had he given into the irritability, self-pity, or even righteous sorrow that can accompany times of abstinence in marriage. He had to love Mary recklessly, with his whole heart and soul, while restraining his body.

Keeping Joseph Close in Abstinent Times

If you find yourself struggling spiritually when NFP is hard, the following ideas will keep Joseph close in mind:

• Find an image you like of a young and strong St. Joseph. Save it as the background on your phone during times of abstinence as a daily reminder of your powerful intercessor in heaven.
• Read more about St. Joseph. Thanks to the recent Year of St. Joseph, there are many new resources available!
• Find a wooden item you can wear or carry with you on days of abstinence as a physical reminder of the strong carpenter who protected the purity of Mary by upholding his own.
• Pray a St. Joseph Novena! My husband and I love this devotion.

The Diocese of Charlotte in North Carolina put together an amazing list of additional ways to celebrate and grow closer to St. Joseph throughout the year. Consider adding some of these activities to your regular routine.

When NFP is Hard, Do Not Be Afraid

When you and your spouse are struggling with NFP, do not be afraid. Resist the temptation to view your holy desires as sinful. Guard your purity while you wait. And when you need a strong intercessor, go to St. Joseph! May his strength be a blessing and inspiration to you in the times of marital abstinence.

Joseph Most Chaste, Pray for Us!