The Hidden Blessing of a Closed Door

I have heard it said many a time that when God closes a door, He opens a window. While this may be the case in many ways for others and even myself – as I have many times throughout my life – our family’s experience this Christmas makes me consider that perhaps when God closes a door, He simply wants it closed so we can better appreciate what is within.

Covid on Christmas Eve

There was an excitingly electric, practically palpable buzz in the air in the week leading up to Christmas. On the news and certainly in conversation with others, it was clear that many wanted a Christmas much more like the ones before the current pandemic was a reality.

It was pretty much the same in our home – the kids were in holiday mode, with no school, no schedule, and the breathtaking task of keeping an eye on the space under a Christmas tree for colourfully-wrapped gifts to magically appear. Our adult children would come home for Christmas eve, Mass together as a family, and family day-long celebration on the 25^th. We were all set to go, and then – Covid came crashing in, without so much as a “Ho ho ho!” and made itself at home in our home.

As of this writing, nearly all my family have tested positive for Covid, with mild or no symptoms. I want to say how hopeful and positive I was about the whole thing – but the truth is that I was dismayed by the bother of being sick and the ruination of plans we had made. Where was my open window?

When God Closes a Door

Ever since I started a catering business in September, I have been so busy running around, driving here, there, and everywhere, cooking, baking, emailing, working, and trying to do everything I think I need to do. I have felt tired off my feet, exhausted to the point of achy muscles, and frustrated that there are only so many hours in a day. I stretched myself so thin, you could practically see through me as I raced to take care of family and work. I tried to take care of everything I could see and failed to nurture what I could not see but was really the glue that held everything together within me: my own relationship with my Father God.

It is not that I completely stopped praying. I called on Him for help so many times during the day, in the course of my work, and as I struggled at home to be a good wife and mother. The problem with just calling on God as if He was my personal 911 rescue operator is that it is no way at all to foster a relationship with Someone Who loves you. I did not love Him as I ought to. I called on Him because I needed His help, and I knew He would not forsake me.

This is why the visitation of Covid on our family is – for me – a closed door. No open windows here, folks, and I will tell you why: God knows me all too well (of course!). He knows that I have the mental and spiritual attention span of a distracted, hyperactive flea. (No offense to fleas.) He knows me better than I know myself and an open window is a distraction for me. The door is shut, and I am beginning to appreciate this for what it is: precious time to consider and be more fully aware of what is within my home and myself. We are in quarantine, after all. We might as well make the most of this time indoors!

Assuming His Presence

Today is the Feast of the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. In reading today’s Gospel passage, I realize there is something remarkably familiar in the experience of Mary and Joseph:

“and when the feast was ended, as they were returning, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. His parents did not know it, but supposing him to be in the company they went a day’s journey, and they sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintances; and when they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem, seeking him.” (Lk 2:43-44, RSVCE)

I do not pretend to be anything like Mary or Joseph at all – save for the fact that they were human beings as well, imperfect, and capable of making mistakes. Perhaps everything went as well as they thought it would in Jerusalem and they were tired but happy to be on their way home. They supposed “him to be in the company” of others who were on the same journey. When everything is going well and according to plan, how easy it is to slip into the comforting thought that God is going along, working with me on my plans, and all is good in the world. I forget all too quickly that in as much as God is everywhere, I must not take His presence for granted. It is I who am with Him for the ride of my life and not the other way around.

Do I ever assume that He is there for me whenever I need Him? You bet I do – all the time. The tricky thing with assumptions is that certain things can be taken for granted. Do we not do the same thing with those closest to us – those whom we know to love us dearly? Many times, they are the ones who easily fall by the wayside of our life’s priorities. Often, we take for granted those whom we know have forgiven our many trespasses and transgressions. What is one more? This, however, does not work for the good of those whom we love, and it certainly never works in our own relationship with our Father God.

It Takes Two

I am certain this was not the case for Mary and Joseph – that they took God for granted – but this scriptural passage calls me on this point. My tendency to call on God and consider Him as a willing passenger in my crazy car as I drive at breakneck speed along the busy highway of what feels like my overloaded life is strong and persistent. I assume He is on board with my plans and will bail me out as needed. What I tend to overlook is the fundamental need for me to nurture the relationship I have with Him as my Father and not my magic genie in a lamp.

He is real, ever faithful, and constantly puts up with my neglect of the times I had set to be with Him in personal prayer or the sacraments. So many years ago, there was this whole thing about “quality time” vs. “quantity time” – which was more important? Why, both are important, of course! A good, healthy relationship needs time and sincere effort from both parties. When you are so busy that you seem to have no time to keep in touch and be with Someone who loves you dearly – nothing works quite as well as a sudden need to simply stop.

Stop, Look and Listen

“and when they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem, seeking him.” (Lk 2:45, RSVCE)

As parents of a large family, my husband and I have had the unfortunate and embarrassing experience of having forgotten a family member (or two) at home or somewhere else. Thankfully, it never got worse than the shocking discovery of our mistake, a frantic race back to where we came from and dealing with the overwhelming guilt of being the world’s worst parents ever. Our children forgave us (at least I think they did…) and the memory became part of our family’s colourful history and lore. Moments like that gave us pause, though, and forced us to slow down and consider what we could have done or should do better.

This experience of quarantining through Christmas because of Covid has made me stop, stay put, and pay attention to what is going on around me. It has also given me cause to examine what is going on within me. I realize that I have been running on spiritual gas fumes. I cannot give what I do not have. I find that I am wanting in faith, hope, and love – and this is on me. I am missing the one connection which grounds me and holds me fast to who I am and what is truly important. I miss my Father.

Behind a Closed Door

There was no magic, no fireworks, no special heart-stopping moment necessary. The opportunity arose because we could not go anywhere else due to a virus which has wreaked havoc wherever it went. We had to stay home. Did God give us Covid? Of course not! He has allowed it for something good (and perhaps much more than I can even imagine), which would not have been possible if I was running around like a madwoman or a headless chicken – or both.

I have been able to spend time playing a board game which we enjoy but I never seemed to have time or the energy to play in these past several weeks. I have been able to rest more than I have in months, both physically and mentally. I have managed to cook and bake in my home kitchen for the people who truly matter the most: my family.

It is certainly challenging to find that moment of peace and quiet – that precious time to be “behind a closed-door” and be with my heavenly Father. Although it is because I need Him (like I need air and water to live), I have to say that it is also because He waits for me and wants to be with me. I cannot and must not take Him for granted. After all, it must mean something quite significant and profound that Jesus, in teaching His disciples how to pray, said:

Pray then like this:
Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
And forgive us our debts,
As we also have forgiven our debtors;
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil. (Mt 6:9-13, RSVCE)

Even the Child Jesus knew and said as much to Mary and Joseph when they looked for Him in Jerusalem upon finding that He was missing: “And he said to them, “How is it that you sought me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” (Lk 2:49, RSVCE)  Time to be with He Who loves us more than anyone ever could is essential. It must never be considered optional.

When the Door Opens

This time of isolation and being unable to leave the house – this too shall pass. We will get better and move on. In as much as I never wanted to be sick or any of my family to be so, this time is not without the many hidden blessings which can only be seen by those who walk by faith and not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7, RSVCE).

For you, dear reader, I pray God keeps you close to Him always. May this new year bring you more opportunities to spend time with our Father God and appreciate His love, mercy, and divine providence.