A marital crisis is a common phenomenon in marriages. Some families handle it with maturity and manage it well, others are not so lucky. The victims and perpetrators of domestic violence include Christians, whose marriages are expected to be ideal marriages guided by the doctrines and principles of Christianity.
What Is Domestic Abuse?
Domestic abuse is a pattern of misuse of power and control used against an intimate partner. It is coercion, intimidation, and control through emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial, religious, or other means.
The desire of one partner to have his or her way without thinking about the feelings of the other partner could trigger domestic violence.
What Make Victims Stay In An Abusive Relationship?
There are many reasons why victims stay in an abusive relationship. For instance, the Christian doctrine that forbids divorce constitutes the most significant reason why most Christians remain in dead marriages. Nevertheless, is domestic violence an attribute of Christian marriage? Is there any biblical justification for one to kill his or her spouse? Can there be an exemption to the application of the doctrine of divorce and remarriage in Christianity, to allow a partner to walk out of the marriage to avoid tragedies? Does the Christian scripture require a wife to remain in an abusive marital relationship if her life or the lives of her children are at risk? These are difficult questions to answer, given that the Church avoids addressing the issue of domestic abuse.
Bible and Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse is not an attribute of Christian marriage; it contradicts God’s character, and therefore cannot be endorsed. Moreover, since marriage is designed to represent Christ, acceptance of domestic abuse contradicts the Word of God. The following Bible passages clearly confirm this:
This I command you: love one another – John 15:17
And the Lord replied, “Who, then, is the faithful and prudent steward whom the master will put in charge of his servants to distribute [the] food allowance at the proper time? Blessed is that servant, whom his master on arrival finds doing so. Truly, I say to you, he will put him in charge of all his property. But if that servant says to himself, ‘My master is delayed in coming,’* and begins to beat the menservants and the maidservants, to eat and drink and get drunk, then that servant’s master will come on an unexpected day and at an unknown hour and will punish him severely and assign him a place with the unfaithful. – Luke 12: 42-46
The Biblical Concepts of Christian Marriages
According to the Bible, a healthy marriage can be summarized as follows:
- The couple is willing to sacrifice their personal needs for each other
- They solve problems in respectful, positive ways.
- While conflict is a normal part of marriage, the couple deals with it without criticism, contempt, or defensiveness
- Spouses are sexually faithful to each other
- They trust, care for, and love each other
- They respect each other and enjoy each other’s company
- Those who have children are mutually committed to the development and well-being of all their children
Scriptural directives given to men and women regarding marriage have always been critical to the success and wellness of the family. Sadly, contrary to the bible, many Christian homes are unsafe and ravaged by the continual threats of violent behavior. Scripture says “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sunset on your anger, and do not leave room for the devil” (Ephesian 4:26-27) is no longer heeded. Rather, many rise to a new day with physical wounds and bruises that remind them of the unending cycle of violence in which their intimate partner traps them; they live in a home that is not a refuge of love and peace. It is when one or both of the partners fail in their responsibilities that there will be a marital crisis. The crisis, if not properly and quickly brought under control, will lead to domestic violence.
Considering Separation in Relation to Domestic Abuse
Though the Scriptures command that for those whom God has put together no one should put asunder (Matthew 19:6), it is not easy to know if indeed God has put any two (the man who married the woman) together. Never-ending domestic violence in any marriage (Christian or non-Christian) proves that God has not joined the two in holy matrimony. Should separation not be permitted when staying together is surely going to end in tragedy? Why must a Christian stick to a violent relationship? Let us consider what Jesus Christ said about divorce in Matthew 19:3-8.
Some Pharisees approached him, and tested him,* saying, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause whatever?” He said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.” They said to him, “Then why did Moses command that the man give the woman a bill of divorce and dismiss [her]?” He said to them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
God’s intention for Christian marriages is to be forever. However, because God is good and because He understands the wickedness of the human heart, he allows for separation – His reason: “because your hearts were hard” – He knows that being married to a person with a hard heart is similar to serving a prison sentence, therefore, He provides a way out. When a spouse’s heart is unapologetically hard, then separation is God’s grace in such a situation.
There is nowhere in the Bible where domestic abuse is addressed, but we can draw two conclusions from biblical truth. Firstly, abuse is wrong (Ephesians 5:25). Secondly, life must be protected (Exodus 20:13) – these Scriptures allow an abused person to immediately separate from their abusive spouse immediately. This is not to say that separation is recommended for every marital crisis, it all depends on the severity of the marital challenge.
As advised by St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 with regard to issues of divorce, the couple that is contemplating separation should first discern if the decision that they are about to take will allow them to live at peace with all humanity.
God can heal any marriage if both partners are willing to surrender fully to him. Separation must be allowed where it is considered necessary as the only life-saving option in a violent-ridden marriage. It must be considered only as of the lesser of two evils, in order to protect the abused, and only if there are no options.
The Bible does not prescribe separation even in painful circumstances, it only permits it. According to the Catholic Church Catechism,
The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law. If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense (CCC 2383).
Moreover, when separation becomes necessary, the affected must not think that he or she has committed an unforgivable trespass, hence they will not be redeemed by Christ. Divorce will not damage a person`s relationship with God, refusing to be reconciled with Him is what will.
Extra Reading
- When the Vow Breaks: A Survival and Recovery Guide for Christians Facing Divorce by Joseph Warren Kniskern
- Peace After Divorce: Choosing Concrete Actions Rooted in Faith by Renee Smith Ettline
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
- Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind by Joyce Meyer
- Don´t Call It Love: Breaking the Cycle of Relationship Dependency by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz & Dr. Tim Clinton, with Ann McMurray
- The Truth about Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert E. Emery
- The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope by Leslie Vernick
- When God Doesn´t Fix It by Laura Story
6 thoughts on “Marriage, Domestic Abuse, And Separation”
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Dear Laurika,
I reside the Mid-West of United states, and see you are from South Africa. Do they have no-fault divorce there?
You wrote that Domestic Violence is “coercion, intimidation, and control through emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial, religious, or other means.” A woman who doesn’t get her or her way all the time could conclude her husband is a perpetrator of domestic violence because she argues that her husband is intimidating to her when he disagrees with her. Or, if a husband knows the family needs to live within their means, a wife who spends too much money could argue that he is domestically violent because he limits the maximum allowable on the credit card she uses.
You asked, “Nevertheless, is domestic violence an attribute of Christian marriage?” With your answer, readers could conclude that if there is domestic violence (in the subjective judgement of an alleged victim), then there is no marriage. You listed attributes of a healthy marriage. But, no couple except Joseph and Mary had those characteristics in their marriage all the time.
I founded the non-profit organization Mary’s Advocates, which published the book “The Gift of Self, A Spiritual Companion for Separated and Divorced Faithful to the Sacrament of Marriage.” Those who follow the path in the book recognize that serious difficulties do not end the marriage. Furthermore, in the United States, with no fault divorce, any Plaintiff-spouse can force a divorce on the other and the children simply because the Plaintiff says “I feel we are incompatible” or “have irreconcilable differences.” A woman reading your list of attributes of a health marriage could conclude that because she does not enjoy her husband’s company, she is justified in getting a divorce.
According to canon law and tradition (prior to the Council of Trent) Catholics are not supposed to approach the civil forum for divorce or separation of spouses until after they have undergone an ecclesiastic canon law process in a Church case of separation of spouses. https://marysadvocates.org/research/catholic-divorce/#Bishops_Intervention_before_Party_files_in_Civil_Forum
You are a defender of wife-beating.
I think Matthew’s 2nd Beatitude addresses this issue best: Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. The Greek word meek is a well trained war horse. Not a weakness, but a strength. A horse who is not spooked in battle – having self control. This one will inherit the earth of which our bodies are made, or this one will have his body returned upon entering the Kingdom, and will possess his body – by having self control. May we all pray for those prone to violence to become meek – like well trained war horses.
Well said and amen, brother! In Christ, Andrew
Dear Laurika,
Before I say anything, please know how sorry I am that this specific issue is so close to your heart. Despite that, it’s not right to misapply Scripture or make untruthful statements (as assertions of the truth) in order to support what you’ve written. Given that, I’m going to address a few of the more apparent discrepancies and pray that you reconsider them.
Your first bullet-point is not true because when we sacrifice legitimate needs then we put ourselves in a position of becoming bitter and resentful. However, we are supposed to sacrifice our preferences or wants as needed, which are not the same as legitimate needs, and not insist on our own way – 1 Corinthians 13:5
Your third bullet point is problematic as well because in speaking about “criticism” and “defensiveness” it does not address the very biblical concept of constructive criticism, a spiritual work of mercy (admonishing a sinner) – Galatians 6:1, as one of many – nor does it address being rightly defensive against an unjust accuser or aggressor – Titus 1:10-11
It is also disingenuous to say that God allowed for divorce due to the hardness of the Israelites hearts, because it was Moses who allowed for it. Also, we are told in 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 that a believer should never divorce an unbeliever, but the unbeliever can divorce the believer if they chose to. The “unbeliever” could be the abuser, a CINO and not a true follower of Christ, and if so, then we are to let them leave if they want to.
Separation is also NOT the same as divorce! If it was then Paul wouldn’t say “for a time” after talking about “depriving each other” (of conjugal rights) in 1 Corinthians 7:5. No one can have marital relations with their spouse when they are physically separated.
Your reading of 1 Corinthians 7:10-16, which I already referred to, makes no sense in light of what’s written there. That passage is specifically talking about a believer being married to an unbeliever, we could also say to a phony believer, but NO WHERE in that passage, including what comes before and after, does it allow the believing spouse to leave the other (non believer or phony believer) if the other spouse wants to stay married.
Lastly, it’s not just unbiblical divorce that’s a problem, it’s also adulterous divorce and REMARRIAGE that’s a problem, which is stated in verse 9 of Matthew 19 (the verse you left out). So, to make this clear, abuse is sinful and wrong, but so is ending a marriage where the other spouse wants to stay. If that person is truly abusive then the couple should separate for a time and the abuser should be brought to the church in increasing degrees, depending on his or her level of repentance, until they are either excommunicated (and possibly out of the marriage if THEY decide to leave) or they are reconciled (forgiven for and healed from their sinful enslavement).
That’s no small or easy task to be sure, which is why we all need to do a far better job at helping each other be “equally yoked” to faithful followers BEFORE marriage, not after!
In Christ,
Andrew