I Know You Love Me, but Are You Proud of Me God?

A couple of years ago I was talking to a priest who, as a deacon, had been instrumental in my decision to become a Roman Catholic.

I said to him ”I’m sort of ashamed of this, because it seems presumptuous and arrogant . . . but I kind of want God to be proud of me.”

He smiled and instantly replied “What loving son doesn’t want his father to be proud of him?”

We All Have Father / Mother Baggage

It is a generally accepted truism that our experiences with our earthly parents can affect the way we relate to God.  The best possible outcome of a troubled earthly relationship is healing from the Father and Our Lady.  More troublesome is a difficulty in getting past parental wounds to intimacy with God and the Blessed Virgin Mary.

In my case, my father-wounds included a violent birth father and a morally compromised stepfather.  This left me with a deep commitment to non-violence and a rigid behavioral morality.  I managed to avoid scrupulosity by a safe margin only through Grace and because of some very good teachers, mentors, exemplars, and eventually a therapist.

My progress leading from fear of an angry or unreasonable Heavenly Father to the beginnings of a desire for a healing intimacy was slow at best. After my reception into the Roman Catholic Church, I found the Sacrament of Reconciliation to be especially fruitful in this respect.

In Reconciliation I now had a Priest responding to my confessions of sin and shortcomings with the voice of a compassionate, loving, and forgiving Father.  He did not want me to cringe and become more subservient.  He wished only for me to grow and become closer to God.

Healing

In time the healing of this relationship flowed outward into my every day relationships.  It was noticed by my wife and daughter first, and eventually by others as well. My daughter in particular, while not interested in the church, became the greatest advocate for my conversion to Catholicism.

My daughter characterizes my conversion as an incredible transformation, wiping away tension and stress and uncertainty.  In her words, I “really Zenned out.”  We had a sound relationship before but she now reinforces my fathering with an active daughterhood that is more rewarding than I had ever have hoped for or dreamed.

In short, through the sacraments the Church helped me unpack my baggage and stow it neatly away where it belonged.

But How Do I Find Intimacy?

Having – mostly – left fear of God and impossible standards behind, I found myself beginning to run up against the problem of intimacy with God.  St Paul spoke of this directly when he wrote “For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry, “Abba, Father!” [Romans 8:15]

The rest of the eighth chapter of Romans has a lot of encouragement for us concerning this promise.  But the promise can sometimes seem a little shy of practical details.

I found my answer in immersing myself in the Eucharist and the life of the Church. Participation in the Eucharist leads to many graces, and regular Reconciliation is a key to more holy living and more intimate participation in all worship, especially the blessed Eucharist.

I began to find avenues to intimacy through formal prayers—The Litany of Trust, The Chaplet of Divine Mercy, The Surrender Novena.

Notice that I did not include saying the Rosary. In part, this is because I came from a Protestant background with little or no tradition of Marian devotion.  But also it is because the only thing more complex than my Father issues may be the issues resulting from a mother who presented me with those earthly fathers.

I found it easier to work on one healing at a time.

I am, however, slowly coming to love the Rosary.  But it has not been with the instant surge of recognition and need I found with these other devotions.

The point is that prayer and the Sacraments began to work. Eventually, I was led from overcoming inhibitions and false impressions to a desire for closer and closer relationships With God and Our Mother.

And Then Came All Saints Day

Just this year, on All Saints Day, I was standing at Mass for the Gospel when the beatitudes were read.  After the Gospel I listened to the homily very closely, but in the back of my mind I also found myself thinking again about intimacy and what it means to improve it.  I knew the words of Jesus on the subject:

“But he said in reply to the one who told him, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?”  And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers.  For whoever does the will of my heavenly Father is my brother, and sister, and mother” [Matthew 12:48-50].

We have all heard The Beatitudes scriptural passage so many times over the years that it is sometimes difficult to focus on them.  But the homily this day was uniquely original and enlivening.  It helped me focus in again on what risked becoming too familiar.

Later on, as I drove home, it hit me: if there is anything closer in scripture to a checklist of ‘concrete’ ways of how to please the Father I cannot imagine what it is, short of “Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to [the] poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” [Matthew 19:21].

So We Come Again To The Beatitudes

A pilot never gets into his aircraft without going over a pre-flight checklist. This is because an airplane is a complex system of interacting systems and components – they all have to work properly for the airplane to fly. Forgetting to check any system can lead to disaster, so checklists are not only routine, they are mandatory.

The Gospels are full of things to check on in our lives.  They are instructions for keeping our systems working properly. The beatitudes, however, come the closest to being an actual checklist.

But people are not aircraft, and, as Saint Paul said in 1 Corinthians 12, we all have different gifts.  It is not necessary for us to try to exceed our callings and our abilities.

Every one of us will at one time or another finds ourselves in the position of someone described in the Beatitudes.  We will almost certainly mourn, but not, in all likelihood, in perpetuity.  We may all be peacemakers in our time, but we may not be presented with conflicts to resolve every day.  Being meek may be a continual calling, as may be thirsting and hungering for righteousness.  Trying to be both at one time, however, might be more than one constitution can handle.

One common, regular use for the Beatitudes is as a part of self-examination for Reconciliation. Reading through the Beatitudes (and the surrounding text) can sharpen our sense of where we have fallen short since out last confession.  It leads to a clearer picture of what positive virtues we might need to practice a bit more diligently.

We Are Assured Of God’s Love

While we are assured of God’s love, it is not wrong of us to aspire for more.

In Matthew 25:21, 23 we read of the master saying “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.”

This is what I was forgetting when I said I was a bit ashamed for wanting God to be proud of me. Our Lord himself commended such an attitude to us!

Oh Father in Heaven, grant us the strength and insight through the Holy Spirit to be able to face Your Son Our Savior as Master and King and hear those blessed words of welcome: “Well done my good and faithful servant.”