Forgiveness and Letting Go of Resentment

Forgiveness and letting go of resentment– it’s something about which much has been written–and about which, after all is said and done, more is usually said than done. We’ve all had plenty of opportunities to practice forgiveness and letting go of resentment. But just how well have we actually done that? Take, for example, workplace problems.

Letting Go of Resentment at Work

In her Workplace Power and Control Wheel, Patricia G. Barnes lists a variety of bad behaviors we might see at work. These include isolation, put-downs, the silent treatment, humiliation, disrespect, and name calling. Isolation takes place when the boss excludes someone from gatherings or important meetings. This also includes being ignored for long periods of time or being treated as someone outside the group. I think we’d all agree that these are bad boss behaviors, to say the least.

In his book, Brutal Bosses and Their Prey, Harvey Hornstein, Ph.D., professor at Columbia University, provides his own list of inappropriate workplace behaviors. This list includes being discourteous toward, dishonest with, and deliberately rude to, subordinates. He also includes reprimanding or humiliating others in public and openly degrading or personally attacking people in front of others. These are bad behaviors, regardless of the setting, in or out of work.

We can see some common patterns here, and they’re not pretty. How many you have seen or experienced? And what is the Christian call to action in these cases? Should we forgive these apparently intentional behaviors toward us?

Forgiving Even the Worst Offenses

Of course, we might find it extremely difficult to practice forgiveness and letting go of resentment in these or even more egregious cases. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t, though. In Why Forgive, pastor Johann Christoph Arnold gives us examples of forgiveness from all walks of life. Some of the cases he cites, simply put, are horrific. Yet the victims and their families found a way to forgive those who caused them harm. Even people who lost loved ones at the hands of twisted murderers found it in their hearts to forgive the perpetrators.

Thus, the examples that Barnes and Hornstein provide pale in comparison to many other transgressions. That being said, if we experience continued patterns of behavior identified by Barnes and Hornstein, it may be time to seek employment elsewhere. In any event, though, we’re called to forgive the malefactor, aren’t we?

The Number One Reason to Forgive

In Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus tells us to forgive others:

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

He’s setting a high bar there. If we wish to be forgiven for our (many and varied) sins, we’d better forgive others for their sins against us. Each of us needs to take Him at His word and get on with forgiveness and let go of resentment.

Other Compelling Reasons to Forgive

But other reasons to embrace forgiveness and letting go of resentment exist as well. For one thing, unforgiveness feeds the demons. It presents a pathway for the enemy to get into our lives, as Msgr. Stephen Rossetti recently explained this in a presentation at the 2022 Avila Summit. In these times of increasingly intense spiritual warfare, we need to close all openings to the demons.

For another, the Mayo Clinic tells us that people harboring resentment and unforgiveness might experience anxiety and depression, a lack of meaning in their life, and anger and bitterness in relationships. Forgiveness, on the other hand, can lead to lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and improved heart health and mental health.

As well, Dr. Bob Schuchts relates a story in Be Healed where healing was impeded by unforgiveness on one of his mission trips. The story involves a young woman injured when a car ran her down and broke one of her legs. A prayer team, unable to gain any healing for her, learned that she harbored resentment toward the driver who ran over her. Subsequently, after she was able to forgive the driver, a miraculous healing of her leg ensued. Unforgiveness presents an obstacle to our well-being.

Being Clear About Forgiveness

So, if our spiritual, emotional, and physical health depends on it, why don’t we really forgive others more often? Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or approving a wrong, contrary to what I’ve heard some people suggest. Francisco Ugarte in From Resentment to Forgiveness, quotes C.S. Lewis on forgiveness:

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

Ugarte continues, “Unlike resentment, forgiveness is not a feeling, nor does it mean that we stop feeling something…forgiveness operates on a different level from resentment—that is, on the level of the will…” Thus, forgiveness simply involves making a decision to cancel a debt owed to us by someone and, in doing so, free the debtor. We must will it–will to forgive someone from our heart. In other words, it’s not about warm fuzzies.

Only With the Grace of God

It’s easier said than done, you say? Each of us has some limit beyond which we find it hard to forgive others for what they’ve done to us. For that matter, we often feel offended—feel resentment—for what we perceive they’ve done to us. This is so, even if they never intended to offend us! My, how we need the Lord’s grace for self-awareness, and even more, to be able to make those acts of the will to forgive. Without praying for God’s grace, we may find some offenses impossible to forgive by our own strength. But we can do all things in Him who strengthens us, can we not? (cf. Phil 4:13)

Take It to the Lord

The examples I used here come from the workplace. Yet, many more opportunities abound for each of us to make an act of the will to forgive, from the heart, someone who’s offended us. Look no further than friends, family, or parish community as good starting points.

We might want to take this to prayer, and ask the Lord to show us who we still need to forgive. He will remind us. Sometimes we may already have begun the forgiveness process. But we may realize that we need to make a more fervent effort to forgive from the heart, as an act of our will, cum gratia Dei—with the grace of God.

We then can ask the Lord to grant the grace of forgiveness and to forgive, to us, to those who’ve offended us, and while we’re at it, to those whom we’ve offended. Fr. Mitch Pacwa has noted that praying for these graces as an intention of the Divine Mercy Chaplet can be efficacious.

As well, a priest using the pen name of John Paul Thomas provides what he calls the Chaplet of Forgiveness in his book, The Path to Holiness. Whatever approach resonates with each of us individually, we must start now. We need to clear up those debts before the Master Creditor calls us to account.

“…forgiveness can seem contrary to human logic, which often yields to the dynamics of conflict and revenge. But forgiveness is inspired by the logic of love, that love which God has for every man and woman…” Pope St. John Paul II, Message for World Day of Peace, 1997