Family Members, Forgiveness and God’s Grace

Because of annoyance, bickering, contention and other dysfunctional behaviors, far too many families look for ways to avoid spending time together as families. Perhaps some would even prefer to sever social ties between themselves and certain other family members—permanently. In these times when the family is under endless attack from external forces, the last thing any family needs is ongoing internal strife.

Happy Families and Unhappy Families

An interesting, and oft-quoted, line from Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina comes to mind here: “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Some might disagree with one or both parts of that declaration. But I like the statement. I believe that there probably are as many different versions of reasons or excuses for family discord as there are unhappy families.

Possible Causes of Family Discord

Indeed, discord can emerge from any number of causes. Over the years, most of us have come to know our family members’ hot buttons, or “triggers.” It’s easy to get a rise out of someone by “pushing their buttons.” Granted, the one doing the button-pushing may think it’s all in good fun. The person on the receiving hand may not see the humor in it, though.

Consider as well, that, over the years, some rivalry among siblings may have developed. Sibling rivalry has existed since Cain and Abel. Regrettably, it shows no signs of going away soon.

Maybe one family member or in-law holds strong opinions on political, cultural or religious topics contrary to the opinions of other family members. Or perhaps a family member or their spouse rubs someone the wrong way.

And then there could simply be a case of two or more different personalities mixing “like oil and water” as the old saying goes. Family dysfunction comes in all styles and sizes.

Forgiving Our Faults in Family Members

Although behaviors, such as those noted above may cause some problems, deeper, ongoing dysfunction in some families might stem from a lack of forgiveness for these or other past, perceived wrongs. Thus, someone said or did something that offended me. Now, I will have nothing to do with them. It doesn’t matter that they harbored no ill will, and no intent to offend or hurt me. I believed that they did intend to harm me. Whatever they did in the moment that was something stupid or hurtful, I’m holding onto it with a death grip, rather than forgiving them.

Bishop Barron recounts the story of a retreat master sending a group of retreatants off to their rooms for prayer. The retreat master told them to “call to mind a person that we found hard to take and then to recount in detail the characteristics that made the person so obnoxious to us. Then he recommended that we go back to our room and ask God to forgive those same faults in ourselves.” What a great opportunity! Taking a look in the mirror, with the help of God’s grace, can help us take that first step to forgiveness and letting go of resentment toward irksome family members.

Woundedness Feeds Feuds

Disowning someone, and family dysfunction in general, likely go beyond simply withholding forgiveness and mercy, though. At the bottom of it, all is our woundedness. The fact is that we’re all wounded in one way or another. These wounds can give rise to lies that we tell ourselves. Our wounds create openings for the demons to influence our thinking in ways that lead us to repeat and expand on those lies. Through the distorted lenses that these wounds provide, we do not see reality, but a distorted view of it.

Thus, we observe a family member doing or saying something. We make assumptions about their motives. Our woundedness actually opens us up to defensiveness and making erroneous assumptions. Edgar Schein, Ph. D. tells us that this leads to our reactions, often ending up in an inappropriate emotional response. All the while, we’re unaware that we made an Olympic-grade jump to a faulty conclusion. And it continues downhill from there. Our woundedness helps create defensiveness, bad assumptions and conclusions, and inappropriate responses to our family members’ behaviors. It helps keep the altercation alive.

We Don’t See As God Sees

It’s easy to forget, when we look at, and for, the irritating qualities of each other, that we’re all made in the image and likeness of God. Not only that, but if we look for the bad, the irritating, and the seemingly unredeemable traits in our family members, we will find them.

It’s also easy to forget that God loves that other person infinitely, in spite of what we fail to see in him or her. As well, we don’t know what our family members may be experiencing in the moment that causes them to act as they do, including their woundedness. We have a very limited, finite vantage point as human beings. We don’t see as God sees, even when we try to see the good, the true and the beautiful. Even if we could take off our distorted lenses, we still would not see the broader picture as He sees it.

Nor do we always see ourselves–our own behaviors and motives–with unbiased clarity. In fact, how many times do we read an essay like this one, thinking how, not we, but others we know, should change? It’s easy to call out others’ failures, but we often are blind to our own.

Staying Away

“I prefer to, or actually need to, avoid people who bother me and cause me stress,” some may say. Is that what Jesus did when He conducted His public ministry? Take another look at the Gospels. He was right there in the thick of it with misbehaving people acting badly toward Him throughout His public ministry.

To avoid being around family members because we don’t really like them, or because they’ve said something we’ve perceived as an affront is taking the easy way out. Maybe the Lord intends for us to be a witness to that family member of what authentic Christian love looks like. And just maybe He wants us to see how we can change the dynamics of a troublesome relationship by changing our own behavior. How we react to someone says more about us than it does about them, after all.

We can’t do that by avoiding the person that bugs us. That’s only a short-term coping mechanism. But by engaging with them, with God’s grace, we can grow in virtue, and it just might help them as well. Is it easy? Well, is anything worth doing truly easy all the time?

Now to be sure, it’s only prudent to stay away from people who have truly abused us, mentally, physically or sexually. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m referring here to the all too frequent choice to end family ties over other, often petty, issues.

Asking for God’s Grace

We can’t do any of this on our own. We need God’s grace. He wants to help us love our family members, and in doing so, grow in virtue. With practice, and God’s grace, we can learn to prevent other people’s behavior from tripping us up by changing our thinking and behavior.

Ultimately, we can only change ourselves and our responses to others. That’s where the virtue of fortitude and its undergirding gift of fortitude can be of assistance. They will help us do the hard work with constancy, perseverance and patience. We also ought to consider asking the Holy Spirit to help us grow, not only in fortitude and these gifts but also in wisdom and charity. The gift of wisdom can help us to see, understand and love our family members as God does. It undergirds the virtue of charity, which we must grow in as we learn to interact with others, inside and outside the family, in love.  

With God, nothing is impossible, even loving the unlikeable family member or two. Jesus tells us to love each other as He has loved us (cf. John 13:34). Do our actions toward family members show that we’re following His command? How would our family answer that question for us?

If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family (St. Teresa of Calcutta).