Blessed Earthly Rejection

We have all experienced rejection in some way or another. It’s usually not pleasant.

The rejection might have been on a job application, or perhaps in an attempt to join some school, organization, or team.  Maybe it was an attempt to begin a personal or business relationship with someone.  Or, perhaps, as in my case, it was an attempt to be accepted into some church ministry.

One thing is fairly certain, the more significant, important, and desired the application or effort, the deeper the wound from the resulting rejection will be.

I have experienced rejection in various forms in my life just like anyone else my age (early 60s), with varying degrees of pain and sadness. However, no rejection was ever deeper than being rejected for the deaconate in my diocese of Rockville Centre in Long Island.  I felt fairly confident that I would be accepted after a year-long journey of interviews, application forms, document submissions, etc.  But it was not to be.

I had applied in fall of 2019, right before the pandemic hit.  On July 16, the Feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, I received the letter of what I thought would be a joyful acceptance into formation.  I was so excited, thinking that receiving the letter on this beautiful feast was a message of a long ministry as a deacon.  As I opened the letter I could not believe my eyes.  As I read the letter, I experienced shock which quickly became devastation. A deep feeling of desolation quickly followed.

Shock Intensity Involves Expectations

The truth is, we all experience multiple rejections in our lives.  Often it is barely noticeable if the desired acceptance is of minimal importance.  A non-winning lottery ticket, for example, qualifies as this kind of superficial, fleeting rejection.  When one buys a ticket, he or she applies for the position of lottery winner.  Not winning means rejection from the group of winners!

Yet, if we have our priorities and act together, we quickly move on with our lives. We remember that the odds of winning are very low anyway.  That is a big factor in all this rejection thought.

A rejected lottery effort, however, is still far more likely to result in rejection than applying to medical school with poor grades.  Someone with a 2.0 average in college, for instance, may apply to Harvard Medical School, only to experience rejection.  But only a delusional fool would be shocked or devastated by that result given such a low grade point average.

By contrast, imagine applying for a position you are very qualified for, and your only competition is one other applicant who is much less qualified.  Losing the position to the less qualified person would result in greater shock if you are rejected under those circumstances.

All of this to say that our initial shock at being rejected begins with and has a lot to do with our expectations.  We do not feel a deep wound when we are rejected for something we did not expect or should not have expected to work out for us. Conversely, we are blown away when rejected for something we thought we had a good chance at getting.

Add a Dose of Core Importance

Core importance means how important an application or effort is to our core values, goals, hopes, dreams, and self-perception of mission or happiness. Someone who has always dreamed of being a doctor will be far more devastated from rejection to medical school than someone who is merely applying to please (or shut up) his parents.

I certainly grew into seeing myself as a deacon.  I envisioned that ministry as allowing me to use my God-given gifts to serve God and others. Public speaking and writing about my faith, as well as counseling and guiding others in that faith are all things I love doing. I thought being a deacon would enable me to do just them.  I imagined myself giving impassioned homilies that moved people closer to God.

It was as if I had a secret agreement with God that, despite numerous obstacles over a seven-year consideration of that ministry, He would help me get into the formation program. I wanted, shall we say, to “become all I can be” as army commercials used to say.  Without realizing it, I had allowed this self-image of myself as a deacon to filter deep into my self-identity.

Speaking of Self-Identity

As mere imperfect humans, we all have a propensity to fool ourselves.  We often slowly drink the elixir of self-perception and identity according to our standards, hopes, and motives.  We unconsciously allow what we want to be and how we want to be seen to seep into our hearts, minds and yes, even our souls.  This obviously happens to a great extent the more important an aspiration is to what we want to be or how we already perceive or wish to see ourselves.

If I have a fleeting, superficial interest of myself as Co-op Board President but do not get elected to that post, I can brush off the rejection. However, what if I let that perception seep deep into my self-image such that it becomes entangled with my sense of happiness or fulfillment?  Any ensuing rejection will more likely be deeply felt if not devastating.

Selfishness in Noble Garb

We should not forget that many of our desires and applications in life have a significant dose of selfishness.  We want what we want, and anything that prevents us from achieving that expectation is a toy we do not get.  I was not that annoying kid who made a scene when not getting the toy I wanted.  However, I did become sullen and resentful sometimes when a desired item did not head my way.  Ultimately, our human weakness of selfishness adds flavor to our shock, resentment, and devastation in the face of rejection.

Furthermore, we often realize that blatant selfishness is not appealing, so we often paint those selfish motives as noble efforts to serve God and others.  I sincerely felt that being a deacon was my calling, but I must admit that this self-perception was tinged with selfishness and not a small dose of vanity as well.

 Sadness Meets Depression Then Desolation

As already noted, the more significant and central a rejection is to our core desires, hopes, and self-perception, the more likely that rejection will result in deep sadness.  And it does not take much for that sorrow to become depression and then desolation.

After being rejected for the deaconate, I experienced a deep feeling of abandonment by God that I now know as desolation.  I did not even know the term at the time, but I certainly remember the feeling.  I remember thinking about Our Lord’s own words at the cross “My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me?” (Mk 15:34).  And I also remember thinking that God must be enjoying Himself playing with my deepest emotions and desires like some toy.

“Are You enjoying Yourself?” I thought. “Are You having a good time watching me twist here in the wind?”  The resentment was sudden and deep.  “Is this the way You are paying me for wanting to serve You and others?”

But I somehow knew enough to realize that the wound was too open and wide right there to abandon God as I thought that He had abandoned me.  Looking back, it would have been very easy to walk away from the Church, and even God, at that moment. I was full of bitterness and resentment.  Even my pastor, a strong supporter in my deaconate effort, said that he thought I might end up doing that, just from the sheer devastation he knew I must have felt.

God’s Mercy and Guidance

Looking back, I now know that God never abandoned me. He was there with me in the mud of my sorrow, waiting for me to respond to Him rather than fall away from Him.

After a few days of deep bitterness and sorrow, I stumbled upon a website for an online theology certificate program.  This program became my lifeline.  In fact, its symbol and theme is precisely our climb up Mount Carmel.

The program is very Carmelite in its approach and teaching.  Thus far, I have earned two certificates and been accepted into a Spiritual Direction program through that site. I have also discovered another Spiritual Direction program that I have also been accepted to.  It is now my hope to become a certified Catholic Spiritual Director within two years, and a double-certified one within five years.

I have come to believe that, apart from whatever other plans God has for me, it seems He wanted me to become a Spiritual Director to guide others toward Him. God’s love and mercy closed the deaconate door so He could open the Spiritual Director window.  When we follow God’s plan for us, things seem to go much more easily and naturally.  When we force things into our cute, little self-packages, depression and desolation follow.

The Best Soil for Turning Earthly Rejection into Blessed Fruit

Our Lord experienced much rejection in His earthly life.  He knew that the evil one gleefully waits for us to become bitter, resentful, vindictive, or hopeless as a result.  However, the best soil for turning the inevitable rejections of this earth into blessed fruit of sanctity is to leave all to God.  We need to calmly embrace His messages through such rejections.

When we can answer earthly rejection with holy acceptance, contentment, and even joy, we turn the devil on his head.  We grow toward the sanctity which is our destiny.  Ultimately, it is all about loving and trusting God to have our backs.

The best way to embrace earthly rejection is to realize that it is merely an invitation from God to keep seeking His loving guidance.  Instead of crying “Why Have You Forsaken Me?” we can simply exclaim “Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of Eternal Life” (Jn 6:68).