By Robin Stone
The young man’s eyes danced with delight as he spoke of his bride-to-be. He recounted their early dating in high school, he a devout Catholic and she a practicing Protestant Christian. He recalled taking those first shaky steps forward into a relationship with her and the words shared with him by an older, long-married gentleman: if it is of God, it will grow. “It just kept growing!” the young man exclaimed with joy and wonder to the small group of young adults gathered that evening. The young lady, at that moment, was at her second RCIA class. She was taking her first shaky steps toward embracing the Catholic faith, which she now shares with her beloved and together they pass along to their children.
When I reentered “the world” after a time in formation with a community of Franciscan Sisters, I had a new hope for dating and marriage, for a relationship in which love grows between two people and draws them toward the Lord. A year later and a few bad dates wiser, I was a bit discouraged when my life took a turn, and I was called by the Holy Spirit back home to Texas to be closer to my immediate family. I didn’t want to go, but as I drove south from New England and grieved the loss of the trees, mountains, lakes, seasons, friends I had made, and the person I had become there, I was confident that God’s call was clear and that He had a plan for me. A big rainbow in the Georgia sky was a personal promise that “I know the plans I have for you, …, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). My thoughts went to my hope for marriage, and my confidence was raised that somehow this move was part of His plan for me to meet my husband.
When I re-met Nicholas in the church parking lot before Mass five months later, it wasn’t long before I began to believe that perhaps he was the fulfillment of the promise and hope signified by the rainbow I had seen in Georgia. Though I had been rather unimpressed by the somewhat awkward and stiff man who was not unpleasant looking and not a bad dancer when I first met him seven years prior, I soon learned that I had underestimated him. His thoughts, insights, and abilities were intriguing. He was kind to me and interested in what I had to say. His slight awkwardness was really quite endearing.
My eyes soon began to adjust to see that he was much more handsome than just not unpleasant looking. I wanted the conversations to continue! I wanted to see him again! The relationship that had failed to take root seven years earlier now seemed to be sprouting with new growth. He was always delighted to see me, solicitous for me whenever we were together, and seemingly unwilling for me to go at the end of a get-together; yet, he dragged his feet when it came to planning dates and was vague in his expression of his feelings and intentions towards me. Weeks passed between those first couple of meetings. I began to drop hints of my interest in spending more time with him. He slowly picked up on them, and, in time, we developed a regular date for Sunday Mass often followed by lunch or a visit to a park.
If it is of God, it will grow. The young man’s words “It just kept growing!” and his expression of delight returned to me. Within me, it grew. A love that I had never known before. A respect, admiration, and a willingness to rethink my desire to leave Texas again the next chance I got. A hope for marriage and a family with joy I had once not thought possible. It grew as I got to know this wonderful man, as I drank in the attention and kindness he gave me, as I imagined what a wonderful husband and father he could be. Does it grow? I asked myself, and I answered with a resounding, Yes!
Something was not quite right. He was reluctant to say the words that would solidify our relationship, the words laden with weight and meaning. While many of his words to me were sweet, I was waiting in vain to hear the words that would change everything from that moment forward. As Catholics, we know that words can effect a permanent change, as in the sacraments: the Trinitarian form “I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” that effects the indelible mark of Baptism; the words of consecration that effect the transubstantiation of the Eucharist; the vows that effect the bond of Marriage. The words “will you be my girlfriend?” and “will you marry me?” effect a change in a relationship.
However, the words “dating” or “boyfriend” (a pretty silly word, really, that does have a meaning, a level of commitment, commonly understood in our culture) seemed to get stuck in Nicholas’ throat. When he finally did make the tenuous decision to be my boyfriend, the measure of security I felt was short-lived. Love grew by leaps and bounds in my heart but seemed to creep at a snail’s pace in his. My heart had warmed when he had ended our first date with a nervous but genuine kiss on my hand and sweet words that rang in my ears.
Months later, he seemed to stay right there, all sweetness and affection but so little forward movement, I was tempted to poke his heart with a stick to see if it still could move. One might say that by some of my actions, I did just that. I pushed him in the direction of the forward movement I wanted to see; when he didn’t respond or minimally did, I talked about moving back north… or somewhere else, moving on with my life (with an implicit “without you”, though it was the farthest thing from what I wanted!) I hoped to see some fight, but all I got was sadness.
His sweetness had inspired sweetness in me, but his stunted forward movement began to turn my feelings to bitterness. It had grown! We had grown so close! He was just much slower than I was or than I wanted. Surely, the relationship was of God. He had given me so many signs. I had felt so much peace in prayer and in life about spending time with Nicholas. We were so well matched, we anticipated each other, loved serving one another, prayed together. But did it grow? The relationship, not just my feelings; did it grow?
A long time passed before I could finally admit the answer: No. If it ever grew, it had stopped. A marriage cannot be built on a relationship that has stopped growing. The relationship has to keep growing through the marriage, and it needs pruning and nourishment so that it continues to grow. If it is of God, it will grow. If it does not grow, then God has another plan for you. How hard that can be to accept!
Do not deny yourself God’s good plans for you, “plans to give you a future full of hope” (Jeremiah 29:11 NAB), plans for a future about which you and your beloved can both exclaim with wonder, awe, and gratitude: “It just keeps growing, by God’s amazing grace!” God desires this good for me, and I will not settle for less.
Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away: blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21).
8 thoughts on “Does It Grow?”
This is very good writing, Robin. Where can I read more of your work? (I also read your essay on Tomato Seeds.)
Dear Ms. Robin Stone, You have written a poignant, timely and insightful article. Frankly, I do not know how young catholic adults today navigate the pitfalls and perils of finding someone to spend, happily, the rest of their life with. Saying “All in your hands, God my Father, and I trust in you” is, sometimes, not very satisfying in the here and now. Your approach, Ms. Stone, is so caring and thoughtful. My approach for my children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews is a little more heavy handed: Don’t Marry A Jerk Or A Snowflake – The American Catholic (the-american-catholic.com). I worry that in your “Something was not quite right,” there is our current world’s demand that we ignore the next world, ignore those around us made in God’s loving image, and focus on me-me-me, now-now-now. And this is why so many I-love-myself young people will not and maybe cannot make a lifelong loving commitment, why they refuse to say “I will grow with you, and love every minute of it, with smiles and laughs and joy.”
I do a novena-of-novenas – 9 days X 9 days =81 days – to St Joseph of the Morning to see to it that God gifts young people with the new day of a good spouse. Current novena-of-novenas ends Valentine’s day 2023-and you will be added to this one and then to the next one ab initio. Sadly, for the next few weeks I will be doing NO fasting for these intentions.
Thank you for this fine article. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Guy, Texas
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Thank you for sharing your experience with this beautiful young man. I don’t blame you, I would have fallen head over heels for this shy, sweet, thoughtful gentleman. There are few gentleman who can respect a woman out there. I’m sure it was painful to let him go but it was the best thing for both and am sure you helped each other to grow and mature. In the beautiful journey of life lived in faith, nothing is wasted.
“To them that love God, all things work together unto good.” (Romans 8:28) Nothing is wasted, very true.
Thank you, Jessica.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but men are not mindreaders. You kept on waiting for him to say something. Why didn’t you say something? A shy man like him has to be drawn out. Talk these things through. Maybe he lost interest due to a misunderstanding about some matter that could have been cleared up. Maybe, due to your silence on the subject, he believed you weren’t that interested. Maybe he is the kind of man who is uncomfortable taking charge and wanted you to be the one to run things in general. Unfortunately you will never know those things now.
Best of luck on your next try though. (I’m not being sarcastic here.)
Thank you for your comment and genuine well-wishes. They are appreciated! There are lessons to be learned from every relationship, and I certainly learned many in that one, and one of those is what you mentioned, that it is important to be open with your own feelings. You have noted something that I did fail to convey in this writing, the many times that I did tell him exactly how I felt and what my hopes were. I certainly have much more to learn and many weaknesses to continue to work on, but I cannot make up for or take over the leadership that naturally belongs to a man in a relationship.
Decisions about marriage (and relationships leading to marriage) have to be made in one sense with a clear and cold eye. There must be love, compatibility, and desire, but it also must be a good idea. If you want the man to be in control, it’s not a good idea to get involved with someone shy and awkward. Waiting for him to change is not a successful strategy. Sounds like you should look for a more confident type. Good luck!