I must always remind myself that much has changed since my wife and I were in our twenties. In fact, much has changed even since our thirty-something children and their spouses were in their twenties. In addition to attempts to redefine marriage itself, marriage has become a beleaguered institution. I quote these points of reference from the Marriage Strengthening Research and Dissemination Center (MAST):
- Dating has become much less common among recent generations of adolescents than it was for those born earlier.
- Growing shares of couples have met through the internet.
- The proportion of women who have ever cohabited has nearly doubled over the past 25 years.
- Although most young men and women aspire to marry, the marriage rate declined by roughly 60 percent over a 40-year period.
- Delays in the age at first marriage continue to increase, approaching age 28 for women and age 30 for men.
- About two in five marriages end in divorce.
- The overall divorce rate has declined slightly in recent decades and is currently the lowest it has been in nearly 50 years.
- The remarriage rate has declined in recent decades—in 2013, about one in five marriages were a remarriage for both spouses.
What is Marriage?
Even though spouses must grow in awareness after their wedding day, marriage is the lifelong, open-to-life, commitment between one man and one woman. We are called to sacrificial love for our spouses and for our families, which is both incredibly demanding and rewarding. Symbolizing God and His church, husbands and wives are called to cooperate in God’s continuing work of creation! Awesome!
The Fear of Marriage Commitment
“The Wedding Bell Blues”, a song written in another generation, speaks the critical question better than a sermon could:
Bill
I love you so, I always will
I look at you and you see the passion eyes of May (Eyes of May)
Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day?
Are Bill’s cold feet still at play in 2022 – at least in the manner which Laura Nyro (and later the Fifth Dimension) sang? Considering the absolutely awesome, lofty, and heroic call of marriage, some fear and trembling is certainly understandable. Yet, has it gone over the top?
Based on the findings of MAST and others, it is obvious that that marriage is not being universally treated as 1) lifelong, 2) open-to-life, and 3) exclusive to two people of the opposite sex. Some actually claim that as a sign of progress! But with marriage treated as less noble these days, is it really surprising that marriage would lose its luster – at least for some?
Whatever our perspectives on military service, young men born before the 1960s in the U.S. were openly called to noble and self-sacrificing service. How much more noble and self-sacrificing a call could anyone get than a call to continue God’s work of creation, while getting ourselves, spouses and families to Heaven?
The Role Contraception/Abortifacients Plays in that Fear
Being fluent in American Sign Language has afforded me the opportunity for a close look at Catholic marriage preparation programs and efforts to make them accessible for people who sign. Although anecdotal, my “data” is no less real. While marriage preparation programs may rightly promote verbal communications and understanding of finances, my experience is that they are deficient in explaining our call to cooperate in God’s ongoing work of creation.
Famed philosopher, Dietrich von Hildebrand, offers some amazing insights into the mystery of marriage:
There is no greater mystery in the natural order of things than the fact that this closest of all unions procreates a human being with an immortal soul (although the soul, in each case, is a direct creation of God), and that this act brings a new being into existence destined to love God and to adore Him, a new being made after His image. (p. 26)
How terrible to think of man wanting to destroy this unity which God has established so mysteriously, deeming those united in the highest earthly union of love worthy to take part in His creative power. (p. 28)
As long as conception and birth are seen exclusively as mere physiological processes, we cannot understand the impact and seriousness of the making of a new human being. (p. 61)
(Dietrich von Hildebrand, Marriage, Sophia Institute, 1991.)
Conclusion
While I firmly believe that married couples must absolutely forego contraceptives (all chemical contraceptives and devices are abortifacients), I do not believe that it is contraception per se that promotes hesitancy about making the commitment to marriage. The problem goes even deeper.
Marriage is simply not being promoted as the absolutely magnificent vocation that it is.
13 thoughts on “Are Bill’s Cold Feet Still at Play?”
I dont think the problem here is that men want to marry late, I think its the very opposite. Women are now the gender that is delaying marriage. They have been taught from their childhood to be independent and to seek higher education and eventually a career. We are now seeing record number of women in graduate, even PhD studies. This takes many years. And then they want to pursue a career while being independently single. Its not until thier 30s when they start to realize that if they want to have a family, they need to act fast. Thus a delay of more than a decade.
Interesting points! God’s awesome gifts of kids are being missed!
Wonderful article Joe. I congratulate you for your article appearing in spiritdaily.com today entitled men are marrying late.
Thanks Francisco!
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If you are as you say a “proudly orthodox Catholic” then you beleive in a church that is “totalitarian” so I do not see how you reconcile that concept between church and state?(church “totalitarianism” good, state “totalitarianism” bad) You talk of God’s plan for marriage and family then say there will be no marriage in heaven. How does one reconcile that statement with Jesus’s own words “Thy will be done, On earth as it is in heaven”? How can marriage be a “a crucial component for this life” and not in the next? And if as you state, “marriage is a crucial component for this life and in getting humanity to Heaven” doesn’t that just relegate marriage to the equilivant of a passport, no even less than a passport, a visa, because Baptisim is the passport.
Doug,
Jesus Himself intended marriage as a way of getting to Heaven. Heaven is indicated to be an unimaginably awesome place of which “eye has not see, ear has not heard” (cf, Corinthians 2:9).
Being orthodox is simply not tantamount to being totalitarian.
All of us could benefit from.a deeper knowledge and appreciation of the Faith (https://www.vatican.va/archive/compendium_ccc/documents/archive_2005_compendium-ccc_en.html)
Joe
On Oct. 22, 2022, the owner of this web site Mr. Edwards published a link to this article on ewtn.com “Why Are Men Marrying Late?”.
Mr. Edwards, did you even read the article? Because that wasn’t really the point at all.
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Joe, I read this three times before I realized you and your wife did not have 30+ children: ” our thirty-something children.” I was going to have her cause for canonization initiated right now, and make her the first officially canonized living saint. [I am sure, even at less than 30, she is one.]. It wasn’t til recently I cam across a USCCB item that makes it clear that trying to “redefine marriage” is an intrinsic evil. Thanks for fine article. Guy
Thank you Guy for your very kind words.
Though she is not yet eligible to be canonized, I definitely “married up”😎!
I wonder how long it would take for a civilization to move beyond marriage. From the Webb telescope peering at innumerable worlds I imagine there must be one that has evolved with such an arrangement. No marriage in heaven we’re told and with projected body and soul intact it seems a waste. It’s obvious the first thing that needs to happen here at this time is to totally stop child abuse, NOW. After many millennia this scourge is being finally limned as a crime. Next will come exams to see who has the psychological makeup to raise children, who might need licensing on a planet with 8 billion. If we draw a red line in the sand, NOW, and vigorously prosecute anyone who harms a child, a generation of abuse free adults will emerge. As science advances I think it possible, that a man and woman who meet the requirements will be allowed to conceive. Hundreds of years hence that child may be birthed in a perfect incubator while the parents step out for a night on the town. Part of the licensing process will by law demand that their child be loved without exception by both parents, for life. “ Love is a rose and you better not pick it, it only grows when it’s on the vine, hand full of thorns and you know you’ve missed it, lose your love when you say the word mine.” Neil Young.
If you are seriously “wonder[ing] how long it would take for a civilization to move beyond marriage….[and positing that] there must be one that has evolved with such an arrangement,” you are failing to appreciate this awesome gift from God. We are told there will be no marriage in Heaven; marriage is a crucial component for this life and in getting humanity to Heaven.
Of course, there should be no child abuse! Your prescription for incubator births/licensing is totalitarian. And God’s plan for marriage and family is infinitely better than that of Neil Young!