Perhaps one of the hidden “blessings” of having to stay home all the time of this pandemic is being able to spend an inordinate amount of time with my kids. Of course, the youngest ones are almost always with me anyway, reminding me that while children can make you feel younger, they can also make you feel way older than you care to realize. It is, however, the oldest “kids”, whose constant presence in the family home for over two months now, who have actually and perhaps unknowingly, “helped” me to grow in my faith.
God works in mysterious ways, it has been said. He also often has a wicked sense of humour, a truth which I have lived through too many times to count. Sometimes it is the kind of “funny” that stings, but time heals all wounds (and stings) so I have also been able to find the humour ever-present in God’s providence – usually in hindsight, but there it is. So, in searching for a topic to write about, I thought I would write a letter to He, Who already knows all my thoughts and what I will say, even during those times I cannot seem to find two words to string together. I write this letter, not because He needs to know, but because as a woman, a wife, a mother and – most importantly – His daughter, I have to say it.
Dearest Father,
All the niceties I normally use for personal correspondence seem banal when I am writing to You. Yet, I do want to know how You are. You see everything and know everything, and still – You have put a premium on our free will. You respect our gift of freedom to choose, which reminds me of how I am with my own adult children at times. (You know exactly who I am talking about, right?)
In Gratitude
Thank You for each child, dear Father, with whom You have blessed us! Each one is truly unique and unrepeatable. Yet, funnily enough, there are times I wonder (just a little bit, of course) if perhaps some of them are a tad too similar to me or my husband. Did You notice that? Is there such a thing as genetic déjà vu? I am kidding, of course! The part, though, about some of my kids being quite like me is true. This is something, which I wish was not so. I remember making so many mistakes, dearest Father, and choosing the easier way too many times. I still make so many mistakes now, as a wife and a mother, but I know the worst mistake is to shut You out of my life. I do not want that for my own children.
I Believe
Lord, do You ever cringe or cover Your eyes when You see a child of Yours about to make a wrong decision? Do You ever slap Your forehead or grit Your teeth in frustration because someone way younger and so inexperienced seems to live in a state of perpetual delusion that they somehow know better than You about everything in life? I know You do not react that way, but I do and many times I wish that I was more patient, more generous, kinder and braver and had more faith in You. Much like the father of the child with the unclean spirit: “I believe; help my unbelief!”
All the time, dear Lord, I look for that measure of control – something which I can hold onto and be reassured that things go according to plan. Still, it has been said that the best way to make You laugh is to tell You our plans. This whole pandemic alone has thrown everyone for a loop. Suddenly, those things which nobody ever really wants to talk about in the Instagram-worthy world of perfect imagery are front and centre: sickness, death, job loss, loneliness, fear, anxiety over the unknown. Who is in control?
We Shall See You
Truthfully, it does not seem that anyone is in control, except perhaps nature and a virus that is taking its long, deadly, fairly unpredictable and tiresome course. Outside, on the streets, in the hospitals and apartment buildings, long-term care facilities and within other houses, everyone is waiting for an end to this pandemic. When will it end, dear Lord? It is an understatement to say that I am tired of it, as very, very many others are. I have grown weary of the daily “briefings” which have become an exercise in trying to humanly manage the unknown.
However, amongst the tears and the heartache, the anger and anxiety, hope still shines through in the steady pace of those whose work has not abated or slowed down. Instead, the pressure on them to perform has ramped up and grown increasingly stressful, but they persevere and through them, the spirit of selflessness and generosity comes through like a beacon. These exhausted healthcare professionals and essential workers in groceries and pharmacies, transit, and package delivery drivers are Your arms, dear Lord, and Your hands. They do Your work, whether they realize it or not, whether they profess their belief in You or not. This is what You asked of us: “And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.’” Thank you for the blessing of these people in the world!
We Are Family
Having said all that, my dear God, how I struggle still to love as You love. Perhaps the greatest testament to my parenthood is the fact that I can sincerely say I do not know what You were thinking when You decided to bless us with all these children. Please do not get me wrong – I do not doubt Your wisdom at all. What I doubt is my own ability to even get out of bed without hurting myself in the process on certain days, let alone be a good mother to these twelve souls You have so confidently entrusted to my husband and I. Without You, I may as well crawl into a dusty corner (many of which exist in my home) and die. Yet, You are with me, always:
Can a woman forget her nursing child, or show no compassion for the child of her womb?
Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.
See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.
So I ask You to help me to see You in each of my children. It is not always easy, especially when I just want what is best for them and this is at odds with what they want or choose to do. I beg You to give me the strength – to accept that which I cannot change and to better myself in the way I ought to. Please do not allow any of these whom You have entrusted to us to be lost forever. Help me learn from my mistakes and to move on, with hopeful resolve and trusting faith; to love as You do.
Forever Begins Now
I think, more than anything, dearest God, my hope and prayer are that my children remember and take to heart the gift of this life we have. When you are young, healthy, and living a good life, forever seems like a faraway, unreal concept which is only ever mentioned in fairy tale endings. Yet, everyone’s personal journey to forever begins in the here and now.
I take advantage of this great feast of Pentecost to ask You, dearest Father, to send us Your Advocate:
Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth.
O, God, who by the light of the Holy Spirit, did instruct the hearts of the faithful, grant that by the same Holy Spirit we may be truly wise and ever enjoy His consolations, Through Christ Our Lord, Amen.
I dare to ask You for all of this because I know there is another mother, who is our heavenly champion, blessed among women and full of grace. She has my back and Your ear. We mothers have to stick together! Of course, with a Father like You, we know with certainty: nothing is impossible. Thank you for everything.
Love and a big hug,
Barbara (mother of 12 on earth and three who are with You)
