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My husband and I are as opposite as coffee and cream. He grew up as up as West Coast of the West could be, with a palette made exclusively for hamburgers and hotdogs. I was raised in the Philippines amid mango and coconut trees. His dream home is a garage packed with a Ford Mustang, organized tools and a large screen featuring reruns of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Mine will have wall-to wall bookshelves (though books are everywhere but there) and a closet that leads to TJ Maxx. On Sundays, he’s over at the Benedictine Abbey, listening to the monks singing their Gregorian Chants in plain English, while I would rather be at the Latin Mass.
In short, no dating service — no one in their right mind — would have matched us up for better or worse. But when we both prayed for our future spouses, discernment led us to conclude (individually) that God, the Matchmaker, had written our love story. We were married in less than a year of meeting each other … and that was ten years ago.
During a season of marital disharmony, I was so sure God hadn’t meant to put us together or I was supposed to be a nun in a cloistered convent. So we both sought help in church: I prayed, he ran for the priest (I told you we\’re different).
If you think priests have no business giving out marital advice, think again. Here are the top three words of wisdom that our shepherds have personally given us:
1. “When you are married in Church,” said our Marriage Encounter priest, “there is nothing that God will withhold to keep you married. Grace is always and freely given, and graces are found in the Sacraments.”
2. “See a therapist to learn how to communicate,” our pastor, a trained counselor, advised us. “And remember your job is to get your husband or wife to heaven. When you’re married, your mission in making your spouse a saint should be so consuming that you forget about your own self. You can’t expect to enter heaven’s doors by yourself without Jesus asking you ‘Whoa! What about the spouse you left behind?’”
3. “Satanists fast for the break up of families” an exorcist from Europe told me. “So you should counter evil with all the spiritual weapons given to you: receive Communion as a family, in a state of grace. Pray the rosary regularly in front of a statue of Our Lady with a blessed candle because that will seal off all evil. Sprinkle your home with holy water frequently. Wear the miraculous medal. Fast and give up a little treat here and there when you can. And most of all, lead a holy life because the blessings will be passed on to your children, just as the curses of a sinful life will be passed on to your children.”
Despite taking the advice, we’re still not as sinless as Mary or humble as Joseph. But I can say with conviction that our shared love for the Catholic Church has enabled us to love each other in and through Jesus Christ. More so than the day we said “I do –because a marriage without the sacrifice of the cross is a marriage without the Paschal mystery of Christ.
So, if you’re not married to a saint, my one advice is to seek help: both spiritual and practical. The Church has abundant resources (from sacraments, to pastors, counselors and sacramentals) that will help you become a saint and raise a holy family. She is on a mission of preparing us for the wedding feast of the Lamb.
© 2013. Anabelle Hazard. All Rights Reserved.
11 thoughts on “When You\’re Not Married to a Saint”
I can’t get my wife to understand that going to Mass on Sundays and Holy Days is not to be taken lighly. Being “tired” is not a legitimatereason for missing Sunday Mass. She currently has Saturdays off, so we could go to the vigil Mass. When I suggest that we go to the vigil Mass, she says that we should just play it by ear depending on what else we are doing. She gets upset and resentfull when I bring it up. I have tried to get her to pray the Rosary with me. The only times I can usually do so is when we are driving on a long trip and she is “captive” in the car. I truly fear for her soul and mine as well if I can’t get her to see the truth. She was a convert before we got married, and I thought she was pretty devout. After we got married, she got pretty lax. Any advice? Prayers are welcome too.
EB,
Do you have any children? If you do, make sure that you always bring them to Mass, but make sure you don’t lecture about it when you take them. Rather, make it a joyful Sunday event – go out for breakfast afterward, or ice-cream cones after the Saturday night vigil Mass. Soon your wife will want to join in… if only to be a part of the family time afterward. It’s not bribery, you will be creating a family tradition that your children will come to remember, while gently encouraging the importance of going to Mass.
As for praying the rosary together, please don’t hold anyone captive to pray that beautiful devotion! All you can do is keep your rosaries on your nightstand, and pray it quietly to yourself, either first thing in the morning or before bedtime – some time when your wife will notice. Again, not praying out loud to get attention, just giving silent witness. You can never force someone to practice their faith, it must come genuinely from within, but you can gently encourage someone by giving your joyful, peaceful example.
EB, pray the rosary and fast and ask the Blessed Mother to change her heart. And I find that when my husband does things that are important to me, I am very agreeable to do things that are important to him. Praying for you. God bless.
EB, my experience would go along with both Anabelle and Mary Ann on this. Especially, just do it. Go to mass the way you should, do the rosary by yourself if you have to. DONT lecture her, just be a good example. She may become jealous of your faithfulness, and when she does, just remind her that she is always welcome to join you. Sad to say, she may feel guilty and get upset at you, but over the long run, God will bless your efforts.
One other thing, many find mass just boring. Why, because it appears to be the same thing over and over again. But it isn’t boring at all, we just aren’t getting what we need out of it. We need to put some effort forth as well. Buy a good book that studies the reading and gospel and helps you prepare for it. Perhaps she will join in if you point out interesting things you have found when studying. You get out of our faith what you are willing to put into it.
God Bless you and your efforts.
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As someone studying to be a priest, this was good advice, in general, to hear. Thanks.
God Bless you & will be praying for you!
God bless you, Matthew H.
What a wonderful piece of advice! My wife and I fit the same “non-dating service” profiles–completely different, but both in love with The Church. Prayer together, The Rosary together, Mass together, are the best pain relievers for the stress of married life. After nearly 24 years we endorse Annabelle’s premises–God’s Grace makes it work. I am married to a saint and she is dragging me along the same path, espcially on those days when I am spiny and grumbling rather than meek and mild of heart.
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