What Are You Looking For Now?

My first article with Catholic Stand, “What Are You Looking For?,” was published on August 9, 2017. A lot has changed in my life since then, both good and bad. After being absent from the team for almost five years, this is my second recent article with the publication, and it’s time to address my original question again. 

I’ll be honest. Reaching out to the publication’s Editor in Chief to ask if I could submit an article after the absence was part of a desperate attempt to escape a very dark season of life I’d been trapped in. Even after receiving her approval, it took many weeks before I was ready to put pen to paper, so to speak. 

While I’m finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel through attending daily Mass, a therapist, time with my nose in a Bible, and forcing myself to write about something other than politics again, there’s still a lot of soul-searching and healing ahead of me. Readdressing the question I asked back then has been tremendously helpful. 

Like most other Christians I know who’re willing to be honest, I’ve always gone through spiritually dry seasons of life since following Jesus first became important to me. It typically happens once or twice a year and lasts for a month or two. Things have been different since October 7, 2023. I can’t ever remember things becoming this dark for so long.

Getting Lost in the Woods

I first began covering the occupied West Bank as a journalist in May 2021. I can’t recall who said what or why, but I was ready for a break from covering the Vatican. Work became an idol in my life, and I allowed the job to create issues in my faith. Covering Jerusalem and the surrounding area was an excellent opportunity to pursue writing about the Bible, a significant part of my relationship with Jesus, while also pursuing a journalism career.

When the West Bank first became my focus, I would have proudly told you that I was a pro-life, pro-Israel, conservative American. Pro-Israel sentiment in the statement was based solely on my love for the Old Testament and was not political. The OT was the focus of my first degree in theology. I know what the Bible said about God’s chosen people. I just didn’t know how to keep Scripture in the proper context at the time. 

After experiencing life for Palestinians first-hand instead of reading mainstream media headlines, three weeks was all it took for me to realize someone cannot say they are both pro-life and pro-Israel. You might be anti-abortion, but that is a far cry from being pro-life. Please keep in mind that this was almost two and a half years before October 7, 2023.

I went to work for the Arab American News the day I resigned from my position with The Jerusalem Post, one of the publications I’d covered the Vatican with. What started as a job change ended up transforming everything about who I am. I don’t even vote the same way anymore. People I’d been taught to believe were part of the problem since 9/11 became close friends, many of whom I still consider family today. 

I’m not trying to change where you stand or what you believe. Attempting to communicate the truth with American Christians who only know what they see and hear on FOX News had exhausted and broken me down long before the evil Hamas attack. I’m trying to answer a question. As a writer, providing a little backstory is the only way I know how to paint a complete picture. 

Following God With Everything I Had

Within six months, I was covering the Palestinian territory for multiple Middle Eastern publications. The occupied West Bank quickly became my life. What had started as a writing assignment became my priority from the time I woke up until I went to bed. I launched my own 501 (c) (3) nonprofit organization. I even learned to write about the Bible in Arabic so I could share Jesus with the people who were becoming my world. 

Things went dark. I don’t know what happened. God led me to a place and put something on my heart. I’ve still got the prayer journals to prove it. I stumbled somewhere along the way. Instead of using my faith to change the world I was in, I allowed what was happening around me to influence what was important. 

Time usually spent writing about Scripture was replaced with writing about the resistance. I became too involved. An FBI and CIA investigation followed by a year in a federal prison, and I’ve been home now for eight months, trying to discover who I am and what matters the most in my life now.

There’s a good chance that no one reading this can relate to being arrested by the FBI or being on a cannot enter Israel or the West Bank list. You’ve probably never experienced finally finding the place where you feel your soul was created to be, but more than one government forbids you from returning to the place that has become home. 

However, I’d bet someone is reading who knows exactly how it is to feel so far from God that it’s too terrifying to breathe, because you don’t want to inhale the wrong way. That’s where I was a few months ago. I’ve learned the hard way that answering this question is the only way to escape the feeling of gasping for breath. 

John 1:38 “Jesus turned and saw them following and said to them, ‘What are you seeking?’…”

Getting God’s Attention

Before we even try to answer this question, we have to make sure we’re in a position to get Jesus’ attention. The Bible tells us that two of John the Baptist’s disciples heard John identify and announce the Lamb of God, and began following Jesus. Once the Son of God noticed them following, He asked what it was they were looking for. 

I get it. Yes, Jesus is all-knowing. It’s not like we have to go out of our way for Him to notice us or know that we’re there. At the same time, becoming more like Him doesn’t just happen. Effort is needed on our part. While we don’t have to do anything to earn His attention, we do have to demonstrate that growing closer to Him is important to us. 

For some, this is as easy as a heartfelt prayer. For others, maybe it’s been too long since we have been to Mass, and attending church and going to confession are what we need. There’s no step-by-step guide and no right or wrong answer. What matters is our conscious effort to grow closer to Him. 

An Honest Appraisal of Here and Now

We can’t answer what we’re looking for without addressing where we are. This was a tremendous struggle for me. I’d grown so comfortable with being broken that I couldn’t recognize that I was utterly shattered. 

My entire life had been destroyed by what was happening in the West Bank and Gaza long before I was arrested. That’s because I wasn’t spiritually fit for what I’d put myself in the middle of. I became so obsessed with sharing the truth of what was happening with other American Christians that Jesus and the Bible became irrelevant in my life. 

I had plenty of time to acknowledge what a mess my life had become while I was locked up. For some reason, I thought I’d spend a year in federal prison, be released, and everything would instantly go back to normal as if I’d finally turned the right light switch on. Not only did this not happen, but things became much darker during the first few months I was home. 

I couldn’t even look at a Bible, let alone go to church. After what I’d been through with the Israeli and United States governments, I didn’t even know how to trust myself, let alone anyone else. I’d agreed to plead guilty to something I didn’t do because the threats of 34 years in a federal prison were more than I could comprehend. I was too afraid to even leave my apartment after coming home.

What Are You Looking For?

I know, I know. The simple answer is salvation through what Jesus accomplished on the cross for our behalf. However, if that is your answer to the question, there’s no way you’ve experienced the intimacy with God your soul was created for. Identifying what we seek gives the Holy Spirit even more ways to interact with our daily lives. This opens our eyes and hearts to His presence in a way we usually wouldn’t encounter. 

I had to be specific with this a few months back. Things needed to be as simple as possible. What I was looking for needed to change every couple of days. Once God showed me He was there, I instantly began searching for something else. It was the only way I could grow. 

What are you looking for? How can God interact with you in a way that develops both the quality and quantity of your faith? This started for me as making it through one night without being woken by a nightmare. 

After this happened a couple of nights in a row, I was finally able to concentrate long enough to read the daily readings of the Church and understand them. Keep in mind that I have degrees and certificates in biblical theology from multiple universities. While this doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone, Scripture shouldn’t have been this difficult to focus on. 

Looking For More

We develop an appetite for whatever we find fulfillment in. The more we interact with God, the more we crave His presence. Still, we have to start somewhere if we want to grow. 

After following the daily readings for a week or two, I was finally able to pray for more than a few seconds at a time. I craved being able to focus on Jesus long enough to sit and pray the Rosary without my thoughts being scattered elsewhere. Finally, after a week or two of making it through all five mysteries in one sitting, I was able to go to Mass. 

Yes, I went to the parishes I knew were less attended and sat as far back in a nearly empty church as I could. Still, eventually I found enough faith and courage to go to confession so I could receive the Eucharist again, regardless of who was there and recognized me. Now, I’m in the process of incorporating a new nonprofit organization, one that focuses on sharing the Gospel with Palestinians in Gaza and the occupied West Bank while publishing news from the territories you won’t find through mainstream media. 

What is Your Next Step?

Taking the time to identify what you’re looking for in your relationship with Jesus Christ is one thing. However, nothing changes until we spend time interacting with Him. Once you know what you’re seeking, what are your next steps? What can you do today to grow closer to God than you were the day before?