Tripping Over Pride and Other Middle-Age Musings

As I bustled distractedly around my cluttered kitchen at home the other day, a jumble of thoughts crowded their way around my mind, vying for attention. Unfortunately for me, my feet did not have eyes to see where I was stepping. My foot got caught on a box I had not seen on the floor and the next thing I knew I was pitching awkwardly to my left; arms flailing about to try and stop myself from falling. In my panicked attempts to steady myself, I must have banged my arm and shoulder on a cabinet nearby – yellow-purplish bruises now tell a story I cannot recall in detail. I managed to land on my knees hard, mentally shaken but grateful I was not worse off.

It seems like a much longer and more complicated episode when I try to describe what happened. Yet, this all happened within a few terrifying and helpless seconds. The moment I was able to regain some semblance of calm on my knees on the kitchen floor was one of stark clarity and realization: I do not like being middle-aged and out of control. As stages in life go, this is not one which feels good. Yet, it probably has the most potential for growing more in my faith and love of God.

Drowning in the Fountain of Youth

Youth, in many ways, can be overrated. Don’t get me wrong – did I feel and look better when I was 25? Yes! Did I revel in the dynamic energy and almost supernatural ability to bounce back from late nights, lack of sleep, junk food-based diets, and a lack of discipline in general during that time in my life? Of course! I was also farther away from God in my twenties than I have ever been in my entire life. Who has time and room for God when one is young and full of oneself?

The youth are often referred to as the promise and hope of the future, although that promise can be empty and hope dashed when pride of life and vanity rear their ugly heads. For the most part, though, many young people live in blissful or willful ignorance of that which those who are in their later years in life know to be inevitable: we are mortal, vulnerable and change comes as surely as the sun rises and sets. An attachment to the temporary leads to disappointment and loneliness, especially when we turn away from He for Whom we were created, much like the rich, young man in scripture:

And as he was setting out on his journey, a man ran up and knelt before him, and asked him, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. You know the commandments: ‘Do not kill, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not defraud, Honor your father and mother.’” And he said to him, “Teacher, all these I have observed from my youth.” And Jesus looking upon him loved him, and said to him, “You lack one thing; go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” At that saying his countenance fell, and he went away sorrowful; for he had great possessions. (Mark 10: 17-22, RSVCE).

Many Attachments

Perhaps, what is most telling of what saddens this rich man so much is not that he was young, but that “he had great possessions”. Although immediately, material wealth comes to mind, one can have and be attached to many other things: titles, prestige, comfort, fame and fortune. Each of these – any one of these, in fact – can take up precious real estate in our hearts and souls, making it cramped and tight, leaving no room for God. Such is the case when we fill our hearts with that which we ought not to “love”.

In this respect, over-crowded hearts and souls are not monopolized by the young, but the tendency for such may be more so for them because of a lack of experience in the realities of life, mortality and the limitations of human nature. The sense of invulnerability and dynamism can be intoxicating for anyone, especially for those who are blessed with energy, good health and what seems to be a lot of potential for greatness. So, it is good to be reminded of what Jesus told Peter in that moment when He told his disciple to care for His people:

“Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you girded yourself and walked where you would; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish to go. (This he said to show by what death he was to glorify God.) And after this he said to him, “Follow me.”” (John 21:18-19, RSVCE)

Less of Me

Peter – full of life and vigor; passionate apostle of the Jesus; brash, imperfect, impulsive; loved with great heart – had been granted an indication of what awaited him at the end of his days. Our Lord tells Peter this after many significant events had transpired: Peter’s denial of Jesus three times; Jesus’ Passion, Death and Resurrection; Peter being asked by His Lord three times if he loved Him. This last one was a necessary and heartbreaking reminder of Peter’s human imperfections, his betrayal and vulnerability.

In his humility – emptying himself of pride and self – Peter was able to love his God even more than he had and full embrace what Jesus was calling Him to. We recall two things which help us to understand how we as children of God should be with our heavenly Father. Firstly, there are St. John the Baptist’s words to his disciples when they told him of many who were following Jesus: “He must increase, but I must decrease. (John 3:30, RSVCE)”. Secondly, Jesus Himself teaches us in the first beatitude: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 5:3, RSVCE)”.

More of God

In as much as the expression “young at heart” is often used in a positive way by many, maybe we should consider “vine-ripened and well-aged hearts” to be brimming with golden opportunity. Regardless of your biological age, I believe this is worth considering by everyone.

Our Lord asks us to empty our hearts of everything else so that He may fill us with His love and grace. To do so, we need a lot less of ourselves in our hearts and this is where my realization of the hopeful potential and promise which those who are in their later years in life possess, perhaps without knowing. For it is usually those who have lived beyond that ideal stage of youth who can look back at their lives and see a panorama of both successes and failures, joys and sorrows, mistakes and mishaps and hopefully – very hopefully! – moments of loving and being loved.

For those who are not considered young, mortality is a reality which may have introduced itself to them more than once. Vulnerabilities are matter of a fact and humility is a one waiting to be recognized for what it truly is: a friend who helps to make it possible for us to be closer to our God. Our weaknesses may not be ideal, but it is these which help us to realize how much we need our Father God.

Meeting with Jesus

The gospels are full of Jesus’ loving encounters with those who were not very young. There was the crippled woman:

And there was a woman who had had a spirit of infirmity for eighteen years; she was bent over and could not fully straighten herself. And when Jesus saw her, he called her and said to her, “Woman, you are freed from your infirmity.” And he laid his hands upon her, and immediately she was made straight, and she praised God. (Luke 13:11-13, RSVCE)

There are narratives of the healing of the woman who had been hemorrhaging for many years, the healing of the centurion’s servant, and the raising of the widow’s only son in Nain. There are much more and in each encounter, the helplessness and humility of those whom Jesus meet make it possible for them to open up their hearts and souls to the love of this God made Man. The same is true for those of us – young or old – whose hearts are “old” enough to know and accept our limitations and our inability to do everything.

Happily Middle-Aged

How wonderful for us that we cannot do everything we think we ought to do! For if we could – if we were as “super” and powerful and invulnerable as we think we want to be to do everything we think we want to do, would we have any room at all for our Father God? Would we have room for Him in our hearts if we fill it with things which satisfy us for 2 seconds and do not last? It is no surprise that too many people – young and old – go through life with the goal of full control in their lives, trying to make the most of every opportunity to succeed, acquire more and achieve lofty goals. It is easy to lose sight of what and Who are truly important when we are in the midst of busy, busy, busy and more, more, more.

Being in this stage of my life – middle-age as many call it – is a gift. I find myself looking back at what were my dreams and seeing now that although many mistakes were made, there are still opportunities to do good things. The wisdom which comes from the experience of a life lived with faith and God’s loving mercy helps to direct me towards what is truly important – what my God calls me to do as a wife, a mother, a friend, a professional, ultimately as His child. We are blessed with more understanding and realization letting go and giving God more of ourselves is what will make us happier.

Picking Myself Up

Every now and then, something unexpected happens to shake us up, making us realize that we are not in full control of everything and that is okay. That day I tripped and fell on my knees in my kitchen, I was stunned into silence for a moment. When I had regained my balance on my knees, I slowly stood up as tears began to come. They were tears of frustration and fear. Nobody likes to fall down or lose one’s balance. It was disheartening – but perhaps, almost necessary. I was happy in the end not to have gotten more hurt than I did. I was reminded of the need to pay attention to what I am doing and where I am stepping.

More than that, it was a “tap” (or maybe a nudge?) on the shoulder for me – a loving reminder of the fact that although I am not in control of every single thing in my life, it is okay. It is more than okay. It is as it should be if I want to abandon myself to the providence of my heavenly Father.