Thoughts On Forbearance And Tolerance

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“Never miss an opportunity to shut up” was a common saying in our region when I was growing up.  The act of ‘shutting up’ was simply being forbearant.

Forbearance is neither a cardinal nor a theological virtue, but it is a virtue.  And it sometimes seems to be in short supply in these querulous times.

Forbearance is a crucial element in another second-tier virtue: that of tolerance. Not that tolerance is not mentioned and talked about; it is. But it is all too often misunderstood or misrepresented.

To tolerate something is to think it wrong (or to be in disagreement with it) but for whatever reason or reasons, to forbear from acting on that discernment.  All too often in modern discourse, tolerance practically means to adopt a previously rejected position or belief.  To be considered tolerant it is sometimes not enough to avoid expressing vehement dissent; one must endorse, or appear to endorse, the thing one rejects.

Unhealthy Tolerance

Paradoxically put, the world is sometimes intolerant of old-school tolerance.  The bitterness and hyper-partisan nature of our current political culture is an unhappy example of this. At our political extremes, there is no tolerance on one side without some degree of surrender from the other side.

That this is unhealthy almost everyone seems to agree. What we can do about it is less clear.

Forbearance might help. If we think about forbearance as arising from tolerance, it would seem to be too much to ask. But if we think about tolerance as being a product of forbearance, then suddenly we discover we have an active way forward to reach that goal of tolerance.

As is true of many things, forbearance is easier said than done, especially when it comes to guarding our tongues. Inertia and the general distaste most people feel for physical confrontation make it easier to forbear physically than verbally. The distance between thought and bodily movement seems greater than the distance between thought and word. A neurologist might quarrel with this, but it certainly seems that way to me.

Years ago, First Lady Nancy Reagan promoted an anti-drug program with the slogan “Just say no.” Ridiculed in some quarters, it proved relatively effective (especially when compared to “I didn’t like it and I didn’t inhale.”).

When it comes to a practical approach to forbearance, a good start is a paraphrase of the former First Lady’s advice: “Just don’t.”

Don’t say it. Don’t do it. Forbear.

God’s Forbearance

There is an exception. In some cases, anger and intolerance leads us toward silence and inaction.  In those cases, forbearance means we must push ourselves to greet the obnoxious party guest politely (if not necessarily cordially). We shake hands out of courtesy if not affection or friendship. In such cases, forbearance leads to courteous action.

So far I have written about human forbearance. But God is forbearing, too. In Romans 2:3-4, St. Paul writes:

Do you suppose, then, you who judge those who engage in such things and yet do them yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God?

Or do you hold his priceless kindness, forbearance, and patience in low esteem, unaware that the kindness of God would lead you to repentance?

More than once St. Paul chides people impatient for the return of Jesus with the warning that in doing so they invite judgment on themselves sooner rather than later. Paul attributes the delay to God’s generosity and mercy in giving everyone in the world time to hear the good news and repent. This is forbearance on a grand scale indeed.

We ourselves are called to forbear on a much smaller scale, which is a great relief for me, at least.

A Fine Line

It is worth noticing that forbearance puts us in a good position to forgive. It provides a stopping point for an emotional rush to anger, resentment, and a lasting grudge. A time of forbearance can move us past a moment and into a time where a greater perspective and some emotional distance make it possible to forgive without falling into a deep pit of anger, a pit that can be difficult to climb out of once it has been occupied.

Forbearance also allows us time to consider the problem of a godly, loving reproach should the situation require it.  It also allows us time to find someone to both validate our concern and to accompany us if reproach is actually called for (as described in Matthew 18:15-16).

Forbearance can almost be characterized as good manners.  But it is much more than that. Classifying forbearance as merely mannerly reduces the meaning of the discipline being exercised. It also makes it more difficult to discern when and where forbearance is no longer appropriate.

We forbear from action when we decide that the results of word or deed will be more damaging than inaction. But there are times when we cannot forbear; times when we must stand and make our witness. We may be witnessing against injustice or we may be witnessing against depravity, or cruelty, or immorality, or anything which exceeds the appropriate boundaries of tolerance. We cannot allow tolerance to be weaponized for use against moral rectitude.

It can be a fine line. Even so, we must walk it as best we can. But when in doubt, “Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.”

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10 thoughts on “Thoughts On Forbearance And Tolerance”

  1. Pingback: Pope Tells Orthodox Pick a Date for Easter and We’ll Accept, Australian Bishop May Close Schools if Government Violates Religious Freedom, and More Great Links! - JP2 Catholic Radio

  2. Pingback: Thoughts On Forbearance And Tolerance | Catholicism Pure & Simple

  3. For what it is worth–and given the nature of the internet, it probably isn’t much–neither drug use nor homosexuality were part of this column, though I admit that drug use was perhaps incorporated by reference in my use of Nancy Reagan’s quote.

    The topic was primarily forbearance with a small side dish of tolerance.

    In reading the responses, I am reminded of a chapter in “How I Won The War”, a 1960s novel by Patrick Ryan which was made into a movie by Richard Lester, featuring John Lennon in a small part.

    In the book, a group of British officers are required to form a community council to deal with complaints. The complaints were numerous and for the most part about things the officers had no ability to address. As a strategy, the officers adopted a strategy of finding a way to turn the discussion to the rules of cricket.

    No matter what complaint was brought, the officers turned the discussion to cricket.

    I actually played cricket once, but I have nothing much to say about it other than I looked pretty darn silly as a bowler. But I am familiar with the tactic of changing the subject in order to talk about anything other than the subject advanced.

    In this time and place, I have even less to say about drug use or homosexuality than I have to say about cricket. To echo Lord Peter Wimsey (an excellent, if fictional cricketer), “Make all the noise you like gentlemen; the Dean ain’t a-coming down tonight.”

    1. You can’t take gratuitous culture war pot shots and walk away from it on the basis that your article is about something else. Just discipline yourself and resist the pot shots.

  4. Unfortunately a number of our clerical worthies have carried forbearance and tolerance so far that they no longer call out sin and iniquity with any force of condemnation. I suppose that emphasizing a time and a place for everything might clear up their retiscence.

  5. Pingback: MONDAY EDITION – Big Pulpit

  6. “Just say no” was a joke. It was accompanied by demonization of drug users and cuts in treatment programs. The drug epidemic subsided, both here and abroad, because it burned itself out; younger siblings saw what was happening to their older siblings and crack cocaine became un-cool.

    “I didn’t inhale” was not supposed to be an anti-drug message. It was Bill Clinton’s answer as to his past marijuana use. It was a honest answer and people from that era understood it and could identify with it. People who tried it only a few times were initiated into it by it being “passing around” to them; if you try to inhale you risk coughing which would make people laugh at you.

    The writers here seem to get their history from right-wing culture war talking points. I’m old enough to be able to correct them.

    Now as to “forbearance”, by any measure gay people live healthier lives now that Catholic teaching on homosexuality has been rejected and they can “come out” (in defiance of Church teaching) and get legally married.

    1. CaptCrisis, the 36 words out of the 900 words in the article that seem to bother you were used to make a larger point, with a dash of tongue-in-cheek humor thrown in. They were not “history” according to the right. Be that as it may, your correcting needs some correcting. Even left-leaning sources say the drug epidemic has not “subsided” or “burned itself out.”

      According to a 2021 NPR article:
      “Last year, drug overdoses hit a devastating new record of 90,000 deaths, according to preliminary data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”

      And according to the Center for American Progress: The number of Americans arrested for possession has tripled since 1980, reaching 1.3 million arrests per year in 2015.

      Sadly, politicians on both the left and right are still searching for the most effective way of dealing with the proliferation of illegal drugs and the lives they ruin.

      But as for homosexual people leading healthier lives now that GOD’S TEACHING on homosexuality has been rejected by much of society, as Mark 8:36 says, “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?”

    2. Gene,

      It’s a shame if drug abuse is increasing since its “heyday” in the late 1980’s.

      As for the other issue, What if following Church teaching is unhealthy? That’s an unexplored topic, as far as I know. It’s certainly true that pushing gay people back in the closet and prohibiting them from having sex or getting married is unhealthy, both to themselves and those whose lives they touch. No matter how much the Church might talk about love and understanding, the result is inevitably guilt, shame, and depression. To give another example, generations of married couples, beginning with the Crowleys who reported to Paul VI, have testified both in words and actions to the relationship-destroying effect of a literal adherence to Humanae Vitae. Perhaps one should back up a bit and ask whether all this is really bedrock Church teaching in the first place.

    3. As for the other issue, you are now veering of the point of this article. And since the comments section is not meant to be a discussion forum, I will end any more discussion here by saying the Church’s teachings are Christ’s teachings as handed down from the Apostles and the early Church Fathers through scripture and tradition. So the question you are really asking is “what if following Christ’s teaching is unhealthy?”

      God made us to know Him, to love Him and to serve Him in this world so we could be happy with Him for all eternity. We are here to try to become saints. Nothing else matters. It’s our souls that matter, not our earthly lives.

      Guilt and shame is the result of sinful thoughts and actions. And far too many people today are trying real hard to quell their guilt and shame because sexual pleasure has become their god. But the only true and unbounded joy in this world comes from loving God and living our lives the way He wants us to live them.

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