This past month, my local Catholic radio station has been hosting regular programs asking, “Why aren’t young Catholics getting married?” It seems that Catholics under 40 are only slightly more likely than the general population to be married. Young, Catholic men are less likely than women to have found a spouse, and everywhere in the public sphere there is an increasing disquiet as we look around at the years slipping past our children, siblings, and friends who are still waiting to embrace their vocation.
Maybe you’re not being berated by the same ubiquitous discussions – or maybe you see more of it than I do. It all depends on where you look and what you tend to notice. I like conversations on marriage and – with two single, younger brothers in the dating world – I have a host of opportunities to hear about the ups and downs of looking for “[Sacramental] love in too many faces.”
Why Aren’t Young Catholics Marrying?
A friend of mine married young. She wasn’t even 20 when she walked down the aisle last summer. Her face was bright and joyful and full of the future. It wasn’t the only young wedding in our little, rural, Catholic community – 4 young couples tied the knot within a few months of each other – and that’s just at our parish. They were all under 24 (the age I was when I married).
All of them also felt the displeasure of older relatives who worked hard to convince them that it was “stupid” or “reckless” to marry that young. Meanwhile, my brothers and single friends in their mid- to late-30s are getting the other side of the coin: “What are you waiting for?” Young Catholics under 24 or over 32 often face a world of disapproval, no matter what they do. So, when we ask why they aren’t getting married, we might want to look at our own biases as well.
If we’re constantly saying “marriage is hard work” or pushing our children to go to college, find a job, and “live life” before settling down, then we’re part of the problem. We’ve made marriage the train at the end of the tunnel, coming to kill dreams and stagnate potential. If our children hear us constantly saying “don’t marry too young” or “go to college/find a career/make sure you travel before marrying,” then they form negative views of marriage itself.
When young Catholics want to marry young, we should support them. We need to stop telling them to wait. Eighteen- and nineteen-year-old couples can and do build beautiful, lasting marriages all the time. At the same time, those Catholics who didn’t marry young shouldn’t be harassed and shamed at every gathering – greeting a single relative with “still single, Mark? What’s the matter with you?” is like greeting an infertile relative with “No babies yet, Em? What’s the matter with you?” – incredibly painful and often embittering. Instead, offer what support you can, prayers in particular are important.
The Trouble with Tech
Screens and the tech-saturated world they create are another reason why young Catholics aren’t marrying. For some, the screen (and the world within it) make it hard to connect with real-life people. When you’re used to staring at a palm-sized piece of plastic and getting your emotional feedback from it, transitioning to an intimate, in person conversation is incredibly difficult.
But tech doesn’t just stifle our ability to socialize when we’re on dates, it changes what kind of communication we expect from people altogether.
You may have noticed that younger Millennials and Gen Z don’t use their phones to call each other. Instead they communicate in text. And those communications are constant. I’ve even seen it in friendships – most of my friends would rather text than call, and they want to text continuously. Since I’m not interested in spending my days texting, they’ve had to adjust their expectations. But in dating, being low-tech can kill the relationship before it even starts. I’ve seen men rejected by the women they’re dating because “he doesn’t text, so how can we communicate!”
Screen addiction is a huge problem for both men and women, married and single – and not because of the pornography rampant online (or, not primarily because of the pornography). Consistently spending time with a smartphone damages our ability to connect to the people around us. It introduces a constant distraction into every conversation and (if social media is a part of screen use) turns our daily life into a play for other people to consume and review.
Maintaining healthy boundaries with your online life is essential to building healthy, real relationships.
The Specter of Feminism
In this contentious age, feminism is one of the most contentious ideologies in Catholic relationships. Not only romantic relationships, but friendships and familial ones as well. But it’s marriages that are suffering the most.
I could be wrong, but it seems like it was easier in the 1990s to have a stable, inter-ideological marriage between feminist and non-feminist – especially if both were devout, practicing Catholics. There might be a few disagreements, punctuated by affectionate laughter at the other’s expense, but nothing like the relationship-breaking disunity of today’s conflicts.
Because of the gulf that just continues to grow between Catholic feminists and non-feminists, many singles are leery of looking for love in the wrong ideology. In my own experience, most single Catholic women I know are feminists; while most single Catholic men I know have watched at least one friend’s marriage crumble as his wife embraced an increasingly radical version of “Catholic” feminism before abandoning her faith completely. These men aren’t looking for feminist wives. They’re not looking for doormats either. Instead, they’re hoping to find authentically Catholic women who want a husband, home, and family to cherish. They’re looking for women who will uphold their own fatherhood (or patriarchy, to use the more contentious word).
While there are also a growing number of women abandoning this ideology, it can be a lonely world for both men and women as they wade through ideologically unsuitable dates in search of someone to trust and respect.
A Smaller, More Devout Church
In 1969, then Cardinal Ratzinger, later Pope Benedict XVI, said that we were moving into an era of a smaller, but more devout Church. He was certainly right that devout Catholics, looking to marry other devout Catholics are looking at troubling odds. In her article for Crisis Magazine, Rachel Hoover examines how the further divisions of the Church into opposing “camps adds yet another filter.”
In her article, Hoover encourages single Catholics to prioritize which issues are essential to a happy marriage and which are negotiable. She’s not encouraging singles to abandon their convictions, but rather to avoid pulling flowers as well as weeds in an attempt to find the One Perfect Plant.
“You will have to marry someone who is at least somewhat different from yourself,” she writes. “Set your standards at an appropriate level and listen to your gut.” This advice applies to both men and women. “Do not accept a date with someone whom you think will try to breach the boundaries of morality or safety with you. But be willing to get to know someone.” She emphasizes that Catholics should be clear about where they stand – both in their adherence to Catholic doctrine and within the diverging “camps” of the Church.
In other words, don’t pretend you’d be willing to consistently attend the Novus Ordo if you think it’s barely valid. Don’t imply you’d switch Rites if you’re secretly hoping to make him switch instead. Be honest, but open. Listen, and really hear what the other is saying – it’s great practice for marriage.
So, Why Aren’t Young Catholics Marrying?
To be perfectly honest, many Catholics aren’t marrying because they live in a culture that does its best to keep them single. It’s a culture that belittles those who marry “too young” or “too old.” A culture that distracts them with shiny, plastic images and fake connections online; increasing divisiveness and anger while encouraging isolation and social awkwardness.
Young Catholics reached an age to marry at a time when destructive ideologies like feminism are driving a deeper wedge between the sexes; and the Church herself is smaller and more scattered than we have seen her in recent centuries.
It’s a hard time to look for love. It’s a hard time to be single and hopeful. But it’s a harder time to be “unequally yoked” – and many single Catholics know this instinctually. So, if you’re talking to single friends and family, be gentle. Be kind. Offer prayers and hope. But offer community as well – a place for them to belong in this small, scattered Church of ours.
12 thoughts on “Thoughts on the Decline of Catholic Marriage”
A beautiful article. It seems that you have touched all the bases, especially: “Many Catholics aren’t marrying because they live in a culture that does its best to keep them single.” I believe that the closer we get to “the way” of the world, the further we move away from God.
I’m curious about what specific aspects of feminism have been shown to have a causal affect on marriage rates among Catholics or non-Catholics. What aspects of equality and shared responsibilities and decision making are so threatening that Catholic men, presumably, believe they have no choice but to be single? And while it is true some people manage to have successful marriages when they are in their late teens it is equally true that the likelihood of divorce is much greater for couples who marry in their late teens as compared with couples who marry when they are over 25. Finding one’s self, establishing some stability and expanding circles of friends and acquaintances hardly seem to portend anything but stronger and healthier marriages.
A recent analysis of large, nationwide datasets (“State of our Unions 2022”) by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, the Wheatley Institution, and BYU School of Family Life report two findings. First, there is no conclusive evidence that marriage before age 25 is less successful (e.g. remaining married) than for couples married in their late 20s. Second, younger couples were more likely to report happiness with their marriage and sexual satisfaction than couples who married after 25 years of age.
As to your first question – aspects of feminism that are an affront to young Catholic men – we might just say feminism as an entire dogma. Traditional men of all faiths object to any woman presenting herself for courtship and marriage when that woman declares herself to be a modern woman who rejects the role of traditional wife/mother in the marriage. If a feminist wants a career, then she should find a feminist partner who also rejects traditional masculine roles in the marriage. Receive what you give. Non-traditional and non-traditional.
That is, traditional Catholic men tend to reject outright feminist women who refuse to submit to their husbands, but go to work every day to submit to their employers, coworkers, and self-interests.
Moreover, the study mentioned above at least appears to substantiate the claim that people (men and women) who engage in sexual intimacy with multiple partners have trouble bonding with their marriage partners. If true, that would certainly explain why couples who are married younger – ages 20 to 24 – report greater sexual satisfaction with their spouse. It is a relatively safe claim that older single men and women have engaged in sexual relations with many different partners before marriage. (If they bother to marry at all.)
John – I’m not trying to be combative with you. I’m trying to answer a complex question that you’ve posed. Although I admit to being a bit perplexed that you haven’t observed the same phenomenon and participated in discussions over the past 25 years of the “great Catholic exodus” of young men from the faith. Young men are angry. Feminism in the Catholic Church is the overwhelming culprit.
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I am guessing economics. A young man wants to get married and have a serious Catholic marriage….He knows they should have a lot of kids even if he doesn’t know that much about NFP. (Any couple who seriously practices NFP and with the right intentions will inevitably have many children.) And lots of kids are expensive because one of two things have to happen; they all go to daycare which gets expensive directly to every child; or Mom stays home which as the benefit of a marginal increase in time and money spent raising each additional child.
So he is 25 wants to get married, has some student loans but not that much, an OK job, maybe a couple thousand saved for emergencies. The ‘Ok” job pays ok but that’s not enough for a Mortgage and Minivan. If OK job is a desk job then he has little to no opportunity for overtime, has to wait years for a promotion; or move away from family for better opportunities. It’s hard raising kids when the helpful grandma doesn’t live nearby.
If he has a blue collar job that may have more overtime/earning potential then he won’t have a social life; dating will be difficult, and he knows being a dad will be tough when has a flip schedule. More woman are attending college than men now and women do not like to date ‘lower status’ men; which means the guy, even though he makes pretty good money, won’t be dating those college educated girls.
It is up to teenagers to figure this out and fix it. Young men need to figure out ways to make money, and lots of it, early in life. Young women need to realize they don’t have to go to college to be a mom. And since teenagers are not good at figuring out these complex life situation it is up to parents to stop this cycle. Think about this in the way people think about stopping generational poverty. It is ongoing, ruins our society, and there is no clear path out of it.
I respectfully disagree, CathDad.
For decades now I have travelled the world with my work for the US DoD, State Department, and USAID. Frankly, my repertoire includes just over a couple dozen nations, but also involves corners of the world that most people have never had the opportunity to visit. What did I observe? Poor nations produce larger families (more children) than developing nations. In turn, developing nations have larger families than wealthy nations.
Surely that’s not the case in America! Well…as it turns out, yes. Yes, the trend is exactly the same in the USA. Statista.com compiled birth rate data disaggregated by social economic standing (income averages) over a 15-year period from 2004 to 2019. The findings were stark, if also expected.
In the US, we can plot the likeliness of birth rates by women according to economics. Poor Americans overwhelmingly have larger families with women having higher birth rates. Middle class Americans have far more modest families with fewer birth rates. And the wealthiest Americans predictably have the smallest families (or remain single) with the lowest birth rates.
So, it turns out IT IS THE ECONOMY! But not the way we’re led to believe. Instead, the correlation is quite the opposite – Americans earn TOO HIGH OF INCOMES to have large families! After all, the average salary in the US in 2022 was $59,384 for a single earner and $77,463 for a household. Compare that to the rest of the world with an average salary of just $9,300 for a single earner and $12,235 (in USD).
As I rapidly approach senior-hood, no one ever questioned why I didn’t marry. Not in my 30’s and 40’s or after that. If anyone ever comments on the fact, I give the simple answer “Because I never ever met any single Catholic women. Do you know any?” to which to the response is a list of everyone they know who left the Church over the years. No, they don’t know any. The Catholic marriage rate is pretty much zero.
Until about a generation ago, this would be unthinkable. Parishes had social networks and activities that nudged singles together and gave them opportunities to meet and date. Do you remember those days? They are long gone, aren’t they? When was the last time you gave a single person a nudge or a pointer toward another single in your social circle? If you can’t meet other single Catholics, then you will likely not marry in the Church.
Youth now have incredible pressure about “the vocation of marriage” drummed into them by overzealous educators with one too many theology degrees. And did I mention that parishes are socially dead? So they never lift their heads from their phones and approach anyone to ask for a simple first date.
It truly is bleak for Catholic singles. And has been so for over a generation. It’s a first-alarm crisis in the Church but no one seems to care about the obvious causes.
Also, you have misunderstood Hoover’s articles. She decries “camps” as artificial separations that should not exist.
Thank you for sharing your story, Larry.
I realize I am responding a year later, and you’ll likely never read my words. But your story resonates with me – not that I have a similar story. No. Although I married at age 30. That was considered “late” over a quarter century ago. Most of my peer friends were on their second marriage, or even third by then.
Instead, I was looking for a traditional Christian woman in the United States. I dated a handful of wonderful women – some Catholic, all highly educated and career-driven. Not one of them identified as a feminist, but they all lived the feminist lifestyle. They entered long-term serial monogamous relationships, claimed to be “spiritual” but non-practicing, and as modern women they submitted only to their career bosses and social circle of friends. Each of these otherwise fantastic women articulated clearly that while they expected me to be a traditional husband – to provide and protect the family – they would not be traditional women. They would not submit to me as leader of the family. They had no intention of staying home with children and surrendering their career goals.
I dated for 12 long years. By the Grace of God, I found a good Catholic woman in South Korea and married her 26 years ago. We have two beautiful daughters. I am blessed.
When I was a child, the Catholic Church was a social gathering point. Ice cream socials were the norm. Men and women dressed up in their very finest picnic clothes. The kids played in the yard. And single young men and women were groomed by the married couples while the priests poured the beer copiously! Hey, nothing wrong with a little booze to relax the awkwardness. It was charming. There was a sense of belonging.
I’ve not seen that in 40 years now. All gone. There is no social circle of Catholic men, or Catholic women for that matter. Feminism gave us victimhood as an ideology. Well-meaning Mothers Against Drunk Driving gave us restrictive drinking ages that pushed alcohol into the darkest corners of addiction and higher death rates on the highways. Sex scandals in the Church went unaddressed and unpunished, resulting in social shame amongst the parishioners. Agnosticism gave us “spirituality” as a replacement for faith, and that made for an easy step into the void of atheism and despair.
I hear you, Larry. I know the pain of the loss of the Roman Catholic Church. It’s gone from us and it left a vacant hole. My family has fallen away from practice. When I return to the Mass, I feel the Holy Spirit. I’ve been going to morning services for a few weeks now. Perhaps I will ask my family to follow me.
Good post, and I think you hit a lot of the nails right on the head. Especially the feminism issue (yep, witnessed exactly what you describe).
Part of it also, I think, is the sense of general instability and hostility; that young people are afraid of being caught up with dependents too soon and so being locked into bad careers with companies that hate them on principle. We feel like we ought to maintain maximum flexibility until we land somewhere that seems reliable for the long term, and there’s not a lot of that at the moment. At least, that’s one of my reasons.
Yes, jobs can’t just pay well. People need stability at the (reasonably) high paying job. Forced DEI training or vaccinations aren’t helping peoples’ sense of stability either, nevermind the regular ups and downs of the market.
At one time, when men and women socialized separately: men with men and women with women, it wasn’t expected that there was a need for a husband and wife to be in agreement with each other on many things. They each had their own circle of friends. The political blurring of genders is not compatible with the reality that men and women are different from each other.
Eloquently stated. I’m afraid the depths of your comment are lost in the ionosphere.
When agnostic, lesbian, feminists professors like Dr. Camille Paglia AGREE with faithful, heterosexual, conservative Catholics – and indeed Paglia has repeated this same mantra over the past 20 years – well then, we are very likely discussing the core of the issue.
Men and women used to have their own familial and social circles of influence from which they derived belonging, security, and wisdom. Industrialization separated the men from their sons. Feminism separated the women from their daughters. The so-called “war of the sexes” began and everyone has lost. No one is satisfied. Despair has replaced hope.