They’re Driving Me Nuts!

“They’re driving me nuts!” Haven’t we all thought this at one time or another? Just how do we deal with others—in our family, our circle of friends, the parish, the chapter, cenacle, deanery or other groups? Everyone is different. Each person has his or her own strengths and shortcomings, enduring traits and other peculiarities.

Engaging with Others

With respect to traits, what’s your “wiring” like? If it resembles something like a “dominant” style under any of the popular personality profiles, you probably have lamented that others aren’t more like you. Thankfully, though, others are not more like us! Sure–personality profiles can give us some personal insight to help us better relate to others.

Even better though, Scripture, the Word of God, tells us how we ought to behave when we engage with others. Consider just a few examples:

“He who pursues righteousness and kindness will find life and honor.” (Proverbs 12:21)

“Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!” (Psalm 133:1)

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” (John 13:34)

“We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves; let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to edify him…May the God of steadfastness and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another…” (Romans 15: 1-2, 5)

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:12-14)

We can easily see the theme of charity running through these and related passages. And why not? Deus caritas est—God is love. We’re to love God with all our heart, soul and might (cf. Dt 6). And we’re to love others with, in, through, for and out of love for, God.

St Benedict’s Guidance

How do we operationalize this charity, though? The Rule of St. Benedict, originally written in the 6^th century to govern life in monasteries, addresses this in various ways. Chapter 72: The Good Zeal of Monks provides valuable insights for interpersonal engagement, even for non-monastics.

“Just as there is a wicked zeal of bitterness which separates from God and leads to hell, so there is a good zeal which separates from evil and leads to God and to everlasting life. This, then, is the good zeal which monks must foster with fervent love. ‘They should each try to be the first to show respect to the other’ (Rom 12:10), supporting with the greatest patience one another’s weaknesses of body or behavior, and earnestly competing in obedience to one another. No one is to pursue what he judges better for himself, but instead, what he judges better for someone else. To their fellow monks they show the pure love of brothers, to God, loving fear, to their Abbot, unfeigned and humble love. Let them prefer nothing whatever to Christ, and may He bring us all together to everlasting life.”

Commentaries provided by learned abbots on just this chapter of the Rule can run many pages long. But for our purposes, let’s just consider a few points here.

Toward God or Away from Him?

Good zeal that leads us to God: When we observe, think about or interact with someone, are our thoughts, words and deeds leading us closer to God, or further away from him (and closer to hell)? We do well to recall that the spiritual battle being waged for our souls includes the thoughts in our heads. Reject, rebuke and renounce all spirits and thoughts not of God against the cross of Christ. Look for good attributes or traits and focus on the positives in others.

Show Respect

Try to be the first to show respect to the other: We’re all made in God’s image and likeness. That other person is no exception. If God were to do a video playback analysis of your attitude and tone towards the other, what would you see on the screen? How would you feel sitting in a debrief with Our Lord? Often, we’re tone-deaf when it comes to what we say and do. Pay attention when others give you feedback and work, with God’s grace, to change for the better.

Patience with Each Other

Support with patience one another’s weaknesses: None of us is perfect. Why should we expect it in others? When we’re beginning to experience agitation or irritation, we need to stop, pause and reflect. Where’s this coming from? Our God is not One to agitate and irritate us unless we’re living in, committing or about to commit, mortal sin. Take it to prayer, and ask God to help show you where there are some spiritual growth opportunities for you in all of this.

Do What’s Better for Others

Don’t pursue what’s better for oneself, but what’s better for others: Renunciation is the name of the game here. It’s about dying to self in imitation of Christ. As Bl. Columba Marmion, OSB and other spiritual masters remind us, the only way to the Resurrection is through Calvary. The Lord provides us opportunities for renunciation and passive mortification in the people he places on our path.

As one of my confessors once told me, “The Lord provides you all the people you need!” He does indeed, and we should be grateful for these people and these opportunities to let the Lord sand off some of our rough edges.

Prefer Nothing to Christ. Period.

Prefer nothing whatever to Christ: We should be “all in” for Christ. He wants all of us; we’re not to be partly for Christ and partly for the world or our own self-will. Give it all to Jesus. Out of charity and in charity for God, seek and do His will. Practice charity, growing in the virtue of supernatural charity. G. A. Simon, in his commentary for Benedictine Oblates, notes that the more we grow in supernatural charity, “the more we grow in the unique love of Jesus, the more we shall love our [brothers and sisters] also.” Growing in charity–it’s the end game.

Reframe and Renew

In our desire to love Christ more and love others through, with and in Him, let’s reframe our interactions with others. We can eliminate “they drive me nuts” from our lexicon. We can begin to look at what we might previously have perceived to be challenging interactions as actually representing new spiritual growth opportunities. These interactions can help us get to know others better, to show them love and kindness. They can open up the door for the Lord to help us know ourselves better. They’re opportunities to let the Lord help us each grow in virtue and grow closer to Him.

We should pray to Our Lord that He might stir up the Gifts of the Holy Spirit in us, especially Wisdom and Knowledge. Wisdom helps us see, hear, understand and love others as God does, with His love and heart. Knowledge helps us better understand the state of our soul and of the souls he’s placed in our charge, our spiritual needs, and possible remedies. Take advantage of the graces the Lord is pouring out in the Sacrament of the Present Moment. Remember that all things work for the good for those who love Him. (Rom 8:28) Continually reframe your inner conversation, and renew your ongoing conversion to Him.

“…it is advantageous for us to be troubled and afflicted here…let us welcome trials and love them, because they frequently pull us back from evil and lead us to good.” – Ludolph of Saxony – The Life of Jesus Christ