The “Joao de Barro” (Rufus Hornero) bird of Brazil is a curious one. The species is monogamous and the pair bond is long-term, sometimes for life. The male builds oven-shaped nests out of mud and saliva to help keep the eggs warm and also helps incubate the eggs.
Marriage is a Sacrament
As pretty as that all may sound, their relationship is not a “marriage”, but simply a “procreation”. For we forget marriage is a sacrament, as much as any other such as baptism, eucharist, and confession. Animals do not get to enjoy any of the sacraments, regardless of our views on them.
Having said that, the sole reason why so many marriages,in the fullest sense of the word, fail is because they don’t put God first. They are not marriages, but only procreations.
As such, what comes first to choose and even keep someone is beauty, financial stability, and chemistry. Many times, even clearly shallow things such as dressing well, a nice body, eye/hair/ colour. Being committed to God ends up at the most as “good to have”. Worse, being religious is many times hidden as if it was something to be ashamed of.
Worse, after we have chosen what we think is best for us (most likely, based on shallow things), we go to church expecting our father to bless that relationship. Once that doesn’t work out, we again go to church, this time to complain on why our father did not make the miracle of making something clearly unsuitable happen.
However, we look for those things ourselves as we have no faith and are also misled by our enemy into thinking that we will end up with someone ugly, unable to provide, lazy, etc. Here, the words of Jesus are important: “Only people who dont know God are always worrying about such things. Your Father in heaven knows that you need all of these”.
Mary and Joseph
The best example of it is the couple we see as an example of a perfect marriage: Joseph and Mary. For Joseph was the best provider any woman could ever ask for, and all that have seen Mary say she is absolutely beautiful. Of course, both are also the best persons after Jesus that ever existed.
In fact, if it depended on them that match would probably have never happened. Why would a learned fourteen-year-old girl who was brought in the Temple want to marry a thirty-year-old carpenter with no formal education? Why would a man who could have a normal marriage want to remain celibate and marry a girl who wishes to remain a virgin even after marriage? Still, God saw a match in that unlikely combination and the end result of it was the saviour of the human species.
Jesus also warned “Those who reject me publicly, I will reject before my Father in heaven”. How many times have we done that, hiding our beliefs in fear of the other person thinking we are religious freaks, getting cold feet?
God First
We should look first for God in all our relationships (and not only marriages), and let him decide in the firm belief he knows what we like and will provide accordingly. For, finally again in the words of Jesus, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. The words are clear: “what God has joined”.
Alternatively, we can just have procreation much like that bird and depend solely on our own resources (the usual ones we hear as being important for the relationship such as patience, and understanding) to make it happen.
I, personally like being supported with anything so I would rather take the marriage approach, knowing that it was my Father in heaven that made that relationship happen and which will always be there to bless it.
28 thoughts on “The Only Reason “Marriages” Don’t Work”
Dear Al, You have a gift to write such that your words engender discussion among those seeking to get to heaven someday. Keep on keepin’ on! Guy, Texas
Thank you Guy, very kind of you
Everyone should blush with shame for speculating on the sex life of a married (in name only is seems) man who lived 2000 years ago with no record of his life or words. Sarah was 90
when she had relations with Abraham and Zechariah was an old man when he impregnated
his wife Elizabeth. As for Joseph how weird it must have been to live in an age when you could take 4 wives, how strange the ceremony of breaking the cup and dancing the hora
and mezinke for show. Then there’s old Solomon lusting after 900 wives and still celebrated
for his wisdom. Your inspired speculation showing that sex in marriage remains stigmatized has no merit on this site and only enhances the notion that the CC regards sex as tainted.
I edited the section on Joseph to better reflect the author’s true meaning-
Why would a man who could have a normal marriage want to remain celibate and marry a girl who wishes to remain a virgin regardless of marriage?
It seems people are getting into the weeds too much about language such as “sexually active” and missing the point of the whole article. I might have used a different phrase to describe St. Joseph but the article, as a whole, is spot on.
Finally someone gets it, thanks Todd
You say that the result of that marriage was the Savior of the world. That sounds as if you ascribe Jesus to a relationship between Joseph and Mary. People like you should pray and remain anonymous! Your writing skills are atrocious!
One can not be both “sexually active” and “chaste.” You are confused and are trying to confuse others. The article debases the great holy St. Joseph. Why even go there. Terrible.
I edited the section on Joseph to better reflect the author’s true meaning-
Why would a man who could have a normal marriage want to remain celibate and marry a girl who wishes to remain a virgin regardless of marriage?
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Sorry Mr. Costa, but no, St. Joseph was not a “sexually active man” any way that we view it. We are all sexual beings, but if St. Joseph was chaste or even a virgin (which he undoubtedly was, as there is no evidence that he had ever been married previously) then he was not “sexually active”. If you do not use your sexuality, then you are not sexually active. Also, Mary was probably closer to 16 than 14, and there is no evidence that St. Joseph was 30 or older. Some people merely assume that he was older because he died before Jesus turned 30 and began his public ministry. St. Joseph was probably closer to 20 when he and Mary were betrothed. They were not at all an “unlikely couple”, but rather, the most compatible couple in human history. Your article started out well, but unfortunately, you went off the rails when you started interjecting your own strange personal beliefs about Joseph and Mary.
For the LAST TIME. “Sexually active” means his BODY was generating spermatozoa, but he was still a chaste man and not exercising any sexual activity, and every man today should see Saint Joseph as a model of chastity and self-contain.
Either way, this article is about marriage, and not Saint Joseph, so I will not discuss this any longer
Al Costa, a great book to read on Saint Joseph, which explains his purity is – ‘The Life of Saint Josep’ by Maria Cecilia Bay. O.S.B
I have read a lot of books over the years and I find this one makes a special place in the heart for knowing Saint Joseph.
God bless
I have and I recommend Maria Valtorta as it covers extensively his life
Do a little research on St. Joseph before you start talking about his sexuality.
Please read the article before posting
Sorry Al “a sexually active man” is 1000% inappropriate to describe St. Joseph. Sexually normal-ok. Sexually active sounds like God chose a man likely to have an STD or who was accepting with pre marital sex to be the Virgin Mother’s spouse and foster father to Jesus. Please on this one, don’t double down. It’s a crock. It was a terrible choice of words that at best is inaccurate and at worst is really scandalous.
I edited the section on Joseph to better reflect the author’s true meaning-
Why would a man who could have a normal marriage want to remain celibate and marry a girl who wishes to remain a virgin regardless of marriage?
Al Costa, You state that a male of 30 years of age is sexually active no matter how we view it, but if that was the case, you would end up putting the Lord Jesus Christ in that category for He was about 30 years of age when He began his ministry.
Excellent point!!! Al Costa or Catholic Stand should delete his article and edit out that very inaccurate statement about St. Joseph before deciding if it should be uploaded.
yes i agree regarding that God needs to be part of not only a marriage but any relationship for things to work, what i don’t agree with is the part about St Joseph being a sexually active man wrong their dear author, St Joseph was a Holy chaste quiet prayer full man reason he was picked by God to care for the Blessed Mother and Jesus.
A male of 30 years old is sexually active no matter how we view it. Now, if he opts to use his sexuality is another matter. And the fact Saint Joseph was able to opt out despite the obvious physiological suffering is what makes him a chaste man.
Once when I was assisting at an RCIA class a question was asked “What is Love”. “God is love” the main instructor replied, as it states in the bible (1 John 4:8 “Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love.”). The lady continued along the line that “God is not an emotion” and wanted more clarity on what Love is. An answer in the form of a definition came out of/through me, which was not from me or my intellect, and it is “Love is the active participation in the will of God.”
I have spent a long time contemplating this and have found it has fascinating ramifications. For a while I thought this was something new (and it was for me), but it is consistent with what we already have from our faith and is at best just a clarification. The idea is well expressed in scripture as it turns out (and would be expected):
• 1 John 5:3 “For the love of God is this, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome,”
• 2 John 1:6 “For this is love, that we walk according to his commandments; this is the commandment, as you heard from the beginning, in which you should walk.”
Note: Commandments are the stated Will of God regarding our actions etc. Scripture essentially states by John that Love is the active participation in the will of God!
• Romans 13:8-10 “Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery; You shall not murder; You shall not steal; You shall not covet”; and any other commandment, are summed up in this word, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore, love is the fulfilling of the law.”
• John 14:15 “If you love me, keep my commandments.”
• John 14:22-23 “Judas, not the Iscariot, said to him, “Master, [then] what happened that you will reveal yourself to us and not to the world?” Jesus answered and said to him, ‘Whoever loves me will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our dwelling with him.
The definition has opened a greater depth and meaning to love for me rather than that of a simple emotion and of course it turns out the Church has well known and taught this. Pope Benedict IV stated “…it is clearly revealed that love is not merely a sentiment. Sentiments come and go. A sentiment can be a marvelous first spark, but it is not the fullness of love.” In deus caritas est 17.
Since God is always active in his own will, and it is action in his will that defines love, God is in fact Love. He is the absolute source and definition of Love. As such everything God wills and does is an act of Love by God. Anyone who actively follows and participates in the will of God loves.
“Before man is life and death, good and evil, that which he shall choose shall be given him” Ecclesiasticus 15:18. To achieve and be in a state of true peace we need to understand the role of the will of God in our lives.
1 John 4:7-8 “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
ST. GREGORY THE GREAT “The proof of love is in the works. Where love exists, it works great things. But when it ceases to act, it ceases to exist.”
When one says “I have fallen out of Love with my spouse” what they are saying is “I have fallen out of the active participation in the will of God for my spouse”, this is why divorce is such a grave sin. When we view actions and thoughts from the lens of what Love really is, it comes into far better focus. When we understand what love is not (mere sex for example), we get a better idea of what we need to be active in.
I have come to believe that the only word that completely describes LOVE is simply ACCEPTANCE.
From a human point of view ACCEPTANCE with good will in our intentions fits the bill for me.
The article is one mans point of view, and the thing that made me think he was a protestant was using the word WHICH when referring to God the Father at the end of the article.
By the way I do believe Saint Joseph was a celibate man by choice. God bless.
Julia, thank you for your comment. If Love is nothing more than Acceptance with good will, then Jesus would not of had to die on the cross for our sins. God (who is love as quoted from scripture) would have just accepted the people as they were before the flood, it wouldn’t have had to happen. The demons would not have had to be cast out from heaven, if God accepted them with good will, why not chalk up there wanting to be like God since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? The fact is they failed to follow the WIll of God, they refused to serve and as such they rejected and still reject Love.
The point of what I wrote was more to get to the point that many people do not understand love or apply it properly. It is far more than a warm fuzzy feeling. With divorce (an act contrary to the will of God), to say one does not love their spouse and applying a God centered definition of Love (based on his Will), really spells out that contrary nature. Love is not based simply on feelings, Love is and must be an active act of the Will, conforming to to the Will of God. As ST. GREGORY THE GREAT said “The proof of love is in the works. Where love exists, it works great things. But when it ceases to act, it ceases to exist.” Acceptance does not require action, even with good will.
Not having simple Acceptance of the situation of finding the man beaten and left for dead was what made the Good Samaritan stand out from the others who may have felt bad for the fellow but did nothing. They accepted the situation, but the Samaritan actively did what was right, which is following the Will of God.
Love is a verb.
A verb is a word that in syntax conveys an action (bring, read, walk, run, learn),
an occurrence (happen, become),
or a state of being (be, exist, stand).
Love never fails.
When I became a man, I put aside childish things.
At present I know partially;
then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.
So action, occurrence, and state of being remain, these three;
but the greatest of these is action.
Al-Took me some decades to realize – always – God’s plan is better than mine. You are spot on- put God first. What not putting Him first means usually: you put yourself first, not your spouse. Marriage is not a two way street or a 50/50 proposition. It’s -to cop a phrase from “Oklahoma” – It’s all or nuthin’. Not “my way or the highway” but our way, one way, the Way. “I do” = I will live 100% for you. And God’s plan for most married folks is that this man is the best for this woman and this woman is the best for this man – “best” = will get this person home to Me. St. Joseph’s YES to God and YES to Mary are good examples. Thank you, Al. Guy, Texas
You actually raised a good point. If someone does not put God first, most likely would not put the spouse first also. And it does not take a genious to realise that will not work. Thanks