Ironically, one of the hardest times and places to be a Catholic family can be Sunday morning at Mass; at some parishes, anyway.
The Catholic Church is a pro-life church. We’re a community that believes in the sanctity of all human life. We’re a church that (doctrinally, whether Catholics obey or not) teaches that contraception is wrong, and the purpose of marriage is the procreation and raising of children.
We’re a church that knows the family is the domestic church and the first cell of society. The family is of such sublime importance that when the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, He was born a child into a family.
So why is it that families are often disdained for daring to show up at Mass with their young children?
This letter was sent — anonymously — to the pastor of the parish that the “Smith” family attends. The Smiths are good friends of mine, and they shared this letter with me. They are a dynamic Catholic couple with 11 children. They know and live the Catholic faith — all of it — joyfully. Their children are intelligent, well-mannered, kind, helpful, and full of life.
The author(s) of this letter also sent a copy to Mr. Smith at his place of work – again, anonymously. (For the record, let me say that I find these actions very cowardly.) If these disgruntled parishioners are so offended by the Smith family that they feel the need to write a letter of complaint, they should have the maturity and the guts to own up to it by signing their names. The letter reads as follows:
“Dear Father,
It was such a blessing for us when you became pastor of our church. You have done so much for the parish, the youth, and the congregation in every way. We have learned from you the importance of attending Mass. You have stressed in your homilies the solemnity of the Mass and how all of us should show reverence and respect for the priest and the celebration of the Eucharist.
Our children are taught to behave correctly at Church and sit quietly in their seats and we would never allow them to leave the pew and become a distraction to the congregation.
Why then is it allowed for 6 or 7 members of the Smith family to parade up and down constantly during Mass? Under the pretense of quieting a restless small child they are distracting and disturbing to all the rest of us. This child is obviously unhappy to be there and be carried back and forth by the various members of this clan. They have a huge family and can certainly do what all the rest of us parents do and leave the child at home with a caretaker or stagger how they attend Mass.
They are exhibitionists and restless. If my children behaved in this manner every week you would certainly be aware of us and caution us as parents to find a solution. Why are these 6 or 7 adults allowed to do this every week? We have never seen such behavior at any other church we attended. We know they have sons who serve at the altar and contribute time to the parish. However, this is no excuse.
Please talk to them and stop this circus so we can all benefit from the celebration of Mass the way we should with people remaining in their seats and honoring God. We are not alone as many of our friends have pointed out these people and their disturbing practices.
We are very unhappy members of your congregation who support the parish and would like to look forward to Mass and not groan when we see the Smith clan there.”
Clearly, the anonymous complainants do not like that the Smiths have a “huge family” and that they have the nerve to bring all of them, even the little ones, to Mass. Babies and toddlers, it seems, are to be left at home. If that’s not possible, then Mom and Dad simply cannot attend Mass together. The family must be split so someone can stay home with the dreaded restless toddler.
I see a few points to consider here.
One, there are two opposite laws of physics at war here: First, toddlers do not sit still. They are made to move and make noise. Second, the greater the force applied to try and keep the toddler still and quiet, the more the opposite effect will result.
Of course, 9.5 out of 10 moms and dads will recognize this and remove their squirming cherub as discreetly as possible. Out in the vestibule you’ll likely find several parents just walking with their little ones, trying to still participate in the Mass through doors and windows. I’ve spent many a Mass that way myself over the last 14 years.
It’s far better than the Cry Room. What a wretched invention! A barely-ventilated, cramped, isolation chamber where the unwelcome child and parent must be banished behind thick glass for the sake of the community. (That’s how it feels, folks.)
Two, in all seriousness, is a restless, even a fussy child, really the worst thing that could happen during Mass? Does it really violate the sacredness of the liturgy? Is it reverence we truly want, or just a sterile, library-like quiet?
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not suggesting it’s fine if Mass resembles a preschool playroom. I don’t deny that getting up from the pew and walking out can create a visual distraction. Is it such a deal-breaker that the little ones are simply not welcome at all?
I crave the holy hush and reverent, prayerful atmosphere as much as anyone. In fact, I’ll bet you money no one craves it more than the moms and dads of young children.
Is it really such a grievous offense to hear the natural noise of our children being children? “Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them,” Jesus said. The Gospel actually says He became “indignant” when the disciples tried to shoo the children away.
Those families with young children are the future of the Church. Those moms and dads showing up on Sunday with their progeny in tow are fulfilling the demands of the Church in bringing up their children in the faith. Do you really want to tell those families that the kids are only welcome if they are seen and never heard?
It’s no easy task to get everyone ready and out the door for Sunday Mass. (You might want to read Michelle Fritz’s perspective on that effort.) That mom wrestling with a fussy toddler is just as hungry for the grace of the sacraments and an encounter with Christ as anyone else. She can’t simply turn the child off or put him away for an hour.
Children will never learn how to behave in Mass if they’re never in Mass. The ability to quietly sit still comes with time, age, and development. Do not expect a 2 year-old to behave like an 8 year-old or even a 5 year-old.
The fact is, I’ve seen plenty of adults chatting away in the pews before Mass, as though they were at the food court in the mall, to really believe that the momentary noise of a little child is a grave offense to their sense of Eucharistic reverence.
The faithful Catholic families I’ve known make heroic efforts to keep their children from being a prolonged or too-loud disruption during Mass. They are not oblivious or inconsiderate to their fellow parishioners. Frankly, they need to be cut some slack and given a reassuring look rather than an angry glare.
One final thought to consider: If your parish has more funerals than baptisms, then your parish is dying.
87 thoughts on “The Catholic Family Circus at a Mass Near You”
Some months ago, the priest said something like this during mass: I notice that there are many young families with restless kids here, I am happy that you are coming to mass.
The worst is the never-ending trips to the bathroom by older children, where presumably the hand driers and/or automatic paper towel dispensers are more entertaining than the Mass.
Maybe the Roman Rite should adopt the practice of the Eastern Rites in having infants make their first communion at the time of their baptism. Then it would be clear.. if they are old enough to receive Blessed Sacrament, they are old enough to attend mass weekly!
Mass isn’t that long that parents can/t go to separate ones. We did. It is only thinking of other people to keep small children at home- isn’t that the “gist” of all of the commandments and Jesus’ lessons – “do unto others”. When He said “let the children come to me” it wasn’t in the Temple!!
I have seen too many families with under 5 children that take up all of the parents time -just baby sitting and not paying attention to the mass. We used to have a children’s mass, where all families went-but only with school age children.
Reverence for the eucharist is not a primary thing in most people’s minds – just making it their for the obeying of the church.
I wonder if those parents who baby sit all during mass, get a sitter when they go to a movie or another type outing where only adults go? Mass should have that respect also.
You do realize that Jesus was/is more important than the Temple or any church building and is certainly due more reverence still. The sin of the money changers was far less than the sin of those responsible for Jesus’s crucifixion. Also, I think we need to keep in mind that in the Eastern Rites of the Catholic Church and in the Orthodox Churches, the tradition has always been that the Eucharist is received from infancy. If infants were expected to receive the eucharist, then clearly infants and toddlers were expected to attend mass.
Lets remember that even if one is not receiving the Blessed Sacrament, attending mass brings spiritual graces. When you ask parents to leave their children at home, you are asking them to deprive their child of God’s grace. And yes, children and parent’s receive that grace just by attending; at least I believe so.
I would think if the writer were really that easily distracted and intolerant of the goings on in the pews, then sitting up in the front, themselves would solve the problem. Those of us w attention defect, hearing difficulty, and dyslexia learned that lesson early on in school….and so did our teachers.
Besides, all of the trouble makers, like the letter writer, sat up there too!
The anonymous letter route wasn’t the way to go but the suggestion of staggering mass attendance is reasonable. And not trying to condemn parents with many kids but how realistic is it to expect 2 parents to control 6 or 7 children, many of whom are presumably under the age of ten?
Families need to goto mass but not necessarily at the time. It’s not like the holy sacrifice of mass doesn’t count unless all 13 of the smith clan are there at the sometime. It sounds a bit like an attitude I’ve seen before: “I had a big family, I’m active in the parish, therefore I can do wrong.” (Corollary: I suffered for my children…now it’s your turn.)
Also I wonder about this parish and Catholicism in General: why didn’t anyofthese people offer to help the smiths? Frankly the family sounds inconsiderate but is this parish a community of Christ’s followers or a random assemblage of people who happen to live within driving distance of that church? I think far too many parishes are the latter
Right, it is not hard enough on people with families… lets make it even harder on them by demanding they go to two separate masses for perhaps years on end (essentially our three kids are spaced 2-3 years apart meaning that as one starts to behave, there is a new one to take his place). Oh and all of this is to make sure that their youngest children are denied the grace of being at Mass.
Faith and worship is central to the order of our family life. Part of that is attending mass together, as a family, every week. Fortunately our parish is rich in young, growing families, so no one bats an eye at a fussy infant or a loud toddler because their are at least a dozen more in the church at a given mass. If we ever found ourselves in a parish that valued quiet more than children, I suspect we would find a new parish rather quickly… as would most families with young children.
The so-called typical “attacking a straw man” argument creates the illusion of having completely refuted or defeated an opponent’s proposition by covertly replacing it with a different proposition (i.e., “stand up a straw man”) and then to refute or defeat that false argument (“knock down a straw man”) instead of the original proposition.”
Original proposition: “the staggering of mass times is a reasonable SUGGGESTION” (emphasis mine) I.e. The staggering of mass times as a suggestion is reasonable.
Bill’strawman: “let’s make it even harder on them by DEMANDING they go to two separate masses…” (emphasis mine) I.e. Forcing families with many children to stagger their mass attendance creates an excessive burden on already burdened parents.
Bill proceeds to knock down his straw man by refuting an argument I never made. Nowhere did I state or imply families with multiple children should in any way coerced into staggering mass attendance. And to employ a it of hyperbole in an effort to make Bill seem absurd by association et me say that I did not say the Smith’s pastor should erect a granite monolith with the words “no families allowed” in front of the church and also point out his unChristlike threat to leave his faith community and decamp to another.–and his tacit call for other families to do the same. There is too much factionalism in what’s left of the US Church.
I will further my argument by pointing out the final paragraph of my post wherein I wonder why none of the other parishioners with fewer or not children aren’t helping the smiths and wonder aloud if Bill read that paragraph.
I have to tell you…I am really appalled and dismayed at the comments of some people who could every criticize a parent for not controlling their child at Mass.
I work with hundreds of families of disabled and compromised children. 1 in 50 kids are touched with autism which often manifests in meltdowns and obsessive behaviors like flaying hands (stimming). Medical complex kids have 02 machines and suction machines. CP and other TBI and ABI kids repeated randomly vocalize and make movements which cannot be controlled. I know many kids with gelastic seizures, marked by uncontrollable laughter and giggling. Epilepsy touches one percent of the population. I could go on and on. These kids are all distractions and their behavior in controllable. Would you have us parents sedate them or drug them so they don’t disrupt the solemnity which you think should exist.
I believe that a God would want these kids in his presence because they are pure, purer than you or I. It really is too bad if you judge their parents for not controlling them. Would you prefer they be excluded from your church community so you can beat your breast and pray in silence. If you cannot deal with the physically, medically, mentally challenged children then perhaps it is you who should stay home and watch Mass on TV in the quiet of your home. Not all children who appear “normal” can actually behave properly for even 5 minutes. These are God’s children….and they belong in his presence.
Bless you, Phil. Yes, the children belong in His presence, and we must never hinder them.
Are the Smiths bringing many children to Mass with autism and other disabilities?
In our parish several families with autistic children come to Mass each Sunday, and one parent sits in the vestibule because their daughter becomes very anxious if she is made to be quiet in the assembly. They would never consider forcing her to do that – for her sake and that of those around her. When people are gathered for worship, it is usual that all people are welcome, young, old, disabled, etc. No one would suggest that people be excluded from attending Mass because they have special needs. But it is a kindness, it is courtesy to all the many others that if a child who can be taught to be quiet is not being quiet and therefore a true distraction for the many others around him, his parent can simply remove him to an area where he is not required to be so quiet until he’s old enough (or less sleepy, etc.) to join the assembly. It isn’t rocket science, it’s common courtesy – and teaching self-control to children which is a very valuable skill.
Matt 19:13-15 “13 Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. 14But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” 15After laying His hands on them, He departed from there.”
I do not see the word quiet children in Matt. I hope we are never like the disciples who need to be rebuked because children are not quiet and “well trained”.
I don’t know, Phil – it’s a little quibbly to suggest that since we don’t know exactly what the Lord thought about children being quiet we can’t figure out some common sense ideas about how people should behave in the Church today.
Jesus did say we should “do to others what you would have them do to you,” (Matt 7:12), which implies that even in small things He cares how we treat each other. Having concern for our neighbors in the pews, not MORE concern than we do for the worship of God, but still the USUAL concern, is important to us as Christians, and if my child is being repeatedly distracting (as was described in the article above), then stepping away to calm the child and allow the others to focus on why they’re there is a true act of kindness and does not harm the child in the least.
Yes, you should have concern for your neighbor… but at the same time your first concern is properly your child. Specifically his or her spiritual welfare which is aided simply by being at mass. From the letter itself, it seems like the reader was complaining as much about the efforts of the older members of the family trying to quiet the child as they were about the behavior of the child.
I think we are talking about normal kids and normal parents, and most people cut people slack when they know the child is disabled. But you make a good point about sometimes the problem not being visible. What upsets people is parents who aren’t doing what they should or could, when the kids are normal.
When I see a disabled child, I am glad they are there and glad they are alive, considering how people abort them so often now. One Mass I attend has a profoundly disabled child there, and the child more or less hoots or barks and it’s very distracting, but to me that’s different. And the mother is a hero, with what she must do to serve the child.
Great ARticle… but it is “artificial contraception” that is wrong. We must speak clkearly.
Which type of contraception is not artificial?
When we were small children attending Mass (back when it was everywhere celebrated in Latin), and one of us did something that my mother thought was annoying, we would get “the look.” And we knew what “the look” meant. It meant “keep that up, kiddo, and next you’ll go outside to the car with me and have your bottom warmed!” (a spanking was in the offing.) So that was how our mother disciplined us – with just “the look.” We never went to the car. Didn’t have to. We knew what would follow if we kept misbehaving after getting the look. It’s called “Pavlovian conditioning” and it works.
Once my co-worker and I were helping an Asian gentleman, a customer, load a bulky and heavy item he had purchased into his car. Meanwhile, his two children, ages about 3 and about 5 were nearby playing, chasing each other. The item was not fitting into the car, and it became necessary to tie it into the trunk. Meanwhile, the two little ones’ game took them further and further away from Dad and the car, and more and more into the travel lane of this parking area. My co-worker warned the customer about the children. The gentleman looked around, saw that the children were now fifteen yards away, and made a short sound such as anyone might make when they’re punched in the stomach: “Heup!” Literally in the blink of an eye, those two little ones were right by this customer’s side – one on his left, one on his right. I had never seen anyone or anything move so fast in all my life. Breathtaking! Those children had been trained to respond with the speed of lightning when their father called them.
It’s possible to instill this kind of discipline in children by the time they are 3, or even earlier. However, it takes work and dedication, and also it requires a mindset in the parent that, adorable as their children are, even when they are misbehaving, other members of the congregation are eager to hear, sing, pray, and meditate during Mass in relative peace and quiet. A tiny baby’s cooing or a toddler’s vocalizing for a few moments shouldn’t disturb anyone – you have to make allowances for the little ones in the church. But prolonged melt-downs, or loud playing, skirmishing, arguing, crying, bellowing, especially from children who are no longer tiny infants does disturb many people, and if the parents’ efforts to quiet the little ones don’t work fairly quickly, it would be better to go out to the cry room or vestibule temporarily until the little one has regained their composure and is ready to return to Mass. Too often, though, the parents seem oblivious to the fact that their neighbors are being disturbed. I can only conclude “oblivious”, because they remain in their spot, with their vocalizing child, for quite some time until at last, at last, they take finally, finally take pity on the rest of us, and walk their child out to the vestibule or cry room.
I disagree with one point- “these families and their children are the future of the Church”- no- they are the Church NOW just as the elderly are the Church now, the teens are now, the middle-aged are now. Let us love one another. Most families who attend church regularly are really trying to pray and be present like everyone else- it isn’t easy….
This letter and view that children can be a distraction during mass is heartbreaking. In taking my one-year-old to mass, I’ve gotten lots of negative comments from elderly people (“you behaved very badly!” “you spoke louder than the priest!” etc. etc.) but always, always positive responses from priests, even during homilies. My favorite comment was a priest after mass saying that the sound of children crying and running back and forth was always welcome and a sign of life. The only place with complete silence is a graveyard. I always think of his words and feel reassured.
I think the anonymous letter writer has an excellent point. The parents need to have more regard for others. They show a definite lack of courtesy. No one should have to work at tuning out a major distraction during mass.
And did it ever occur to you that the author of the letter might have a biased view point?
Biased toward or against what?
Biased against children. Biased into the belief that the tiniest noise or movement during mass is an intolerable distraction. Perhaps 99.9% of the congregation is absolutely fine with the family in question, but one person finds any distraction at all intolerable.
My mother, a convert, used to say, “if you don;t hear children in church, you more than likely are not in a Catholic church”.
The goal of Mass from a lay-person perspective is the commune with God and receive the sacraments, asking for his grace and singing his praise. One really should not be earthly minded, so why are we even heeding other people’s families and small children during the liturgy? Jesus himself is present! Why are we worried about *anyone* else? If our interior mindset is such that we are so easily distracted, maybe we should pray for improved concentration and piety?
For the parents of large families: you got your kids baptized right? You promised to raise them in the church. Therefore, you have to make an effort to bring them to Mass, to be in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament, the source and summit of the Christian life. It is required. Leaving the children at home for mundane purposes is really a violation of the baptismal promises. When dealing with the kids in Mass, pray for discernment regarding their behavior and the most reverent, respectful response. That’s all you can do, and if you do that then nobody has a right to complain.
This is a perfect case of millennial entitlement syndrome entering the church. Not one iota of flexibility or introspection in the author’s comments to replies – not one word about perhaps staggering Mass times or coming up with solutions that would be considerate of everyone at the Mass. Instead the bad Mass habits of adults are pointed out along with the dishonesty and
immaturity of anonymous complaints. The self-perceived right to worship as a family trumps everything else. Anyone who questions or opposes this right is intolerant – nothing new here.
Jesus never made an anonymous complaint but he also taught that if a brother has something against you, you should leave your offering at the altar and make peace first. It may be that the anonymous complaint represents the views of others in the parish. I challenge the author to think
about what she could do to help the situation described in the letter and write about it – beyond the idea that people just need to deal with her children until they are old enough to sit still and occupy themselves.
Last I looked the faithfulness described in the Scripture includes self-sacrifice, thinking of others and loving your neighbor. Going to Mass each week, taking communion and having a brood of children isn’t the end all for the title of “truly faithful Catholic family” – even if one thinks they are quite entitled to it.
Abacta, who exactly are you calling a millennial?
“The self-perceived right to worship as a family”? Families do not have the right to worship together?
Did you actually read the article? It certainly speaks of thinking of others, sacrifice, and loving your neighbor.
Never mentions anything, however, of any title or entitlement.
I don’t believe Jesus ever said “if your brother sins against you, send an anonymous letter.” The writer was a coward for not talking to the parents. If indeed, EVERYBODY in the parish felt this way, they should have no problem putting their names into a letter to Father.
Note, it is not worshiping together as a family that the author of the letter is complaining about. Ultimately, the suggestion to split the family up for mass is about excluding the youngest members of that family from the mass all together. As a parent I have an obligation to raise my children in the faith. Now technically I am not bound to bring my children under the age of reason to mass with me every week, but I feel I would be doing a very poor job if my kids don’t show up for their first mass until the age of 5. My children will come to mass with me and my wife every week barring illness. Its what Christ expects.
Yes, I believe you’re right, MarylandBill, and I suspect that you and your wife work things out so that your children are as quiet as possible while they’re with you at Mass. In my experience, bringing young children to Mass doesn’t have to include keeping them in the assembly at all costs for the entire Mass. If I’m not mistaken, it’s technically worshiping as a family if we’re all in the building, worshiping, together, whether we’re sitting next together or not.
It varies with our children, but my wife and I have both spent large parts of quite a few masses in the back of the church over the last 6 years with fussy infants and active exploring toddlers. But it also means having them spend at least some of the mass in the pews… learning how to behave in the pew.
I can understand the frustration of the person who wrote the letter. At my Church, I actually saw a parent get out of the pew and play with the child on the floor….the child was never corrected and his bad behavior seemed to be encouraged by the parents….all eyes were on the disruptive child instead of Our Lord. It was a “look at my child, isn’t he cute” attitude. Some people today had lost respect and a sense of the sacred. Have a little common courtesy and remove a very disruptive child. Why is this such a problem today when years ago this problem didn’t even exist because people had more common sense.
I rather like a GOOD crying room, but they’re hard to find– usually the sound system is not making sound, so it’s a matter of guessing what Father is saying now, which makes it almost impossible to get the kid settled down enough to go back into Mass, and makes for that “isolated” feeling you mentioned.
Our parish has a lovely seat that’s straight out of the doors, next to a little shrine for our saint. About ten months of the year, it’s perfect for a baby or child that is in full meltdown.
I am Pastor of a large Parish near Los Angeles. I wish we had a family with 11 children! When I first got to the parish I opened up the “crying room” and asked parents to please bring their children to Mass. I said that if they made noise the congregation could make more noise by singing. I asked the parents to being their large families and small families toward the front of the Church so the children could see what’s going on. I explained that when I was little I remember seeing only the backs of adults in Church and that this caused me to be irritated as I couldn’t see what was going on. I told everyone else that we must love children, and just as at a family gathering they could enjoy the sounds that children make and appreciate that we can love children even if they aren’t acting like adults. Then I pointed out that even adults do odd things at Mass, like leave early with Holy Communion still in their mouths or get grouchy or have bad days and that we aren’t here to complain about other people but to worship God. Then I lead them in the Confetior. For some reason we just don’t have problems with children at Mass, except for an occasional fussy baby, and who can stop that?
this is great. Thank you.
“if they made noise the congregation could make more noise by singing”
— especially if we sing the Mass (all of it) as called for by Vatican II
Bless you, Fr. John.
Thank you for your post. It’s good to hear a priest’s point of view!
A priest, who is a very good, long time friend of ours, noted this. “If you don’t hear a crying baby, or child in Church, it’s dying”.
Yes, babies & children are fussy & restless, & unfortunately many parents exercise little or no discipline, WHEN appropriate, which is the real problem.
However, if we were to have a choice between, a fussy infant, or loud musical instrumentation, which drowns the people singing, we’ll take the infant any time.
James, I attend the EF where we have many familes with 4,5, 6 children. The mass is at least 1 1/2 hrs. and rarely do you see movement or hear a sound from them. These children are disciplined, unlike many children today.
I would like to meet the 2 year-old who sits still and quiet for 1 1/2 hours straight.
in my experience they quickly learn to be quiet. Still is another matter.
I got very lucky with two, so far– the 5pm Saturday mass hits their “nap time” button.
All that would take is meeting a parent who understands his/her responsibilities about being the one in charge. They may not “sit still”, but they sure will be quiet – and happy.
Some kids are quiet and fearful or limp, some will conquer the world with zeal or rescue soldiers in combat some day. If you have the former, you snear. A wack will subdue. If you have the latter, you have a cross until the child matures enough. The sneerers will die off, replaced by new ones. Somebody has to fight the fires….YOUR KID WILL AND GOD BLESS HIM.
Raise fire eaters.
Good point.
Solution, simple. When families have toddlers that are restless, they should sit at the back of the church where they can get in and out as needed. This goes for the members of the parish who must socialize before Mass. Many attend services to be renewed and want to pray while there. I have seen many well behaved children in the front pews…in fact, there is a two year old who makes all gestures made by the priest throughout the Mass. I believe someday that little one will be a priest. It all translates to respect for one another!
I agree that all families – especially those who obviously do not practice contraception – should be welcome at Mass. They are an examplease of virtue to the rest of us.
One thought, however. Children do get restless when expected to stay quiet for one hour or more. For this reason, it is only common sense that families with small children sit toward the rear so that when their children need a break, they can depart unobtrusively.
Deacon, my husband and I often do just that. However, the opposite strategy is helpful, too. Sometimes sitting right up front is better because the little ones can see what’s going on, and it can keep their attention. It’s not a magic solution, but sometimes it works.
sitting up front is much better for my children (five and under)
No one should presume to make that decision for another family.
and when my kids are being a distraction, believe me, no one is more aware of it and embarrassed than me.
I’ve been yelled at for doing that.
*grin*
There’s just no pleasing some people!
I disagree completely! I took my six children to the first pew, side aisle. That way they could see what was going on instead of looking at people’s backs. I held 1or 2 of them throughout the whole mass and was able to keep them quiet most of the time. I planned ahead and brought religious books of the Lives of the Saints, not toys and crackers. They were usually vastly better behaved than the rude adults who were talking the entire time before Mass started. I think I had to leave less than five times for a crying child. NO, I did not let them talk aloud, ever, even during the holily or the consecration.
That’s what we do, we attend a large,Italian basilica style parish church (St. Anthony of Padua in Wilmington,De), long large isle in the center and parallel isles on the side outside the columns where all the side chapels are located. We sit ABOUT half way up so we can hear what’s going on but not have to walk a mile when our 2.5 yr old or 4 yr old has to go to the bathroom all the way back in the narthex. Our parish DOES have more funerals than baptisms, lol.. and I think that’s why all the old grandparents love to come by and see our kids after Mass and adore them. I always say that being parishioners there is like having over a dozen sets of grandparents : )
What a terrible letter to send. Children are no bother…any of them. Even if they run up and down. Mature Catholics should be able to pray wherever and whenever – their ‘interior’ space should be quiet and peaceful and undisturbed.
Perhaps they come to Mass for entertainment…to be edified perhaps? Chat before Mass, chat after Mass and listen to ‘Father….what a nice priest’ and be confirmed in their comfort of one type or another.
Clearly they don’t pray enough or even know what God is asking of them when they go to Mass….to worship Him as the people of God. All the people even the small ones.
I know of one couple who have a young preschool son. They told me the once that I met them that each time they go up to Communion and take him with them he always cries loudly from that time on till the end of Mass as the small boy wants to have Jesus and is yet too young….What a great reason to cry his head off in Mass. One never knows why the child is fussing and perhaps it could be something like this who knows. I had a small niece that used to cry quite emotionally every Christmas ‘for the baby Jesus’ how amazing is that! That they feel joy and enthusiasm may be a similar sort of thing. Who knows. I think its all great.
Keep going….its merit (dont’ forget that) for you and bad marks for them.
I love small children and many of them at our parish run up to me after Mass and talk to me because they like me too. First I would very much disagree with the tone of the letter above, but I think the priest is the best one to handle the issue, whether by talking to the writer of the letter and the family in question (if they are truly not trying to quiet their children). But sorry Maria, I would have to disagree with some of what you said. In our parish where the average number of children per family is about 8 and the average age of Mass attenders is under twenty, our Masses are quiet, very quiet. Yes, children will start crying and making noise. Father has asked that when there is a noisy child, one of the two the parents take them to the narthex or the cry room if they are not quiet after about ten seconds or so. (Many times other parishioners will offer to help out so the parent will get to enjoy the Mass.) Yet, children are the heart of our community. Children quickly learn to be quite during Mass. They learn that the Mass is a place to discipline their desires for the sake of God.
It is truly a joy to see the energy of all those children explode after Mass, but they need to learn respect for God and others at even a young age. Of course, when a child starts to cry where the rest of us need to smile and deal with it like while a parent is going up for communion.
“Mature Catholics should be able to pray wherever and whenever – their ‘interior’ space should be quiet and peaceful and undisturbed.”
There’s nothing immature about noticing noise like a normal human being! : ) Have you ever been to a Mass where a child was literally shrieking on and off, mostly on, the whole hour long at close range? The idea that someone is immature who is bothered by that is a little much!
It’s hard to know the situation. We certainly struggle with the two toddlers in our six but often will take them out, go to the cry room, or stagger the times we attend. On the other hand, it seems like sometimes parents feel like it’s okay to just stay put with screaming babies and/or they don’t discipline children who are old enough to know better. I don’t know what the “parading up and down” means; I’m assuming they’re not going up and down the side aisles?! I think you have a good point that plenty of adults need to address their own behavior — like not chit chatting, coming in late routinely, and chewing gum!
As the Cheshire Cat said to Alice as he sat on the back of the Queen. ” We could really make her
mad” as he hooked her dress for a fall. It would be interesting to see this bunch at an EF Mass.
Interesting, how?
How what ?
Oh, it would be soooooo much less tolerated. And the anonymous note was
the correct way to go. it’s called ‘saving face’ a tactic Jesus used many times
when confronted by someone. he used parables to bleed off the direct force
used in answering. Passing a complaint to a thrid party saves both parties
from coming to blows or irreparable harm that can come from a direct confrontation.
Nope. It’s called cowardly. It’s called unkind. Jesus didn’t send anonymous complaints.
It’s called diplomacy but we can agree to disagree.
Diplomacy takes place in person. With honesty and maturity. This letter was cowardly and mean-spirited, with no desire for resolution other than the Smiths and their children go away.
Diplomacy 2: skill in handling affairs without arousing hostility.- best left to the
priest since the passions of said accusers could achieve just that kind of ire.
And on a scale of 1-10 maybe these children were a 10 = unacceptable.
Thankfully, their pastor is skilled enough to ignore anonymous complaints, and wise enough to support a truly faithful Catholic family.
Well said, good day.
How does the pastor support this “truly faithful Catholic family?” Did he ignore the letter sent by people who are also parishioners and who are possibly truly faithfully Catholic as well?
I believe James above is correct: this does not happen at an EF Mass. Why? Because the parents don’t allow it to happen. They teach their children to behave and if one of the little ones makes noise – which little ones do – one of the older family members leaves the assembly and takes the baby out into the narthex. The reason why it is important not to have one’s children climbing around the pews, fussing, running up and down the aisles, etc. during Mass is because it is disrespectful to the priest celebrant and disrespectful and distracting to the other worshipers.
The other congregants who are present at the Mass are not judging their fellow Catholics because they have many or few children, or no children at all. They want to assist in the Mass as fully as possible, and little ones causing commotion repeatedly and every week is very distracting. Parents who don’t understand this may need some gentle instruction from Father. Families who regularly attend the EF put a very high value on what they’re actually doing at Mass, so they understand better than many NO Mass-goers that it’s not about us.
When our children were little, we faithfully attended Mass together as a family. If the youngest fussed or squirmed, I was out of the pew in a heartbeat with baby in arms to sit or stand in the narthex area until she calmed down or the Mass was over. No one was disturbed around us, I attended Mass with my family, my children learned to behave. This is a position of courtesy and humility, thinking of others.
We have to be careful not to take an “embattled minority” viewpoint, that we are the faithful ones living the true Faith and those jealous or less-than-faithful folks in the pew behind us should just keep quiet and enjoy our delightful family.
I hope for the sake of any children, James, that you are not a parent. Your attitude is a problem.
maybe I should have said their behavior is a 10
The letter writer’s stated and desired resolution was that the family stagger Mass times.
Perhaps the letter writer wrote anonymously because he/she felt angry at a situation that the pastor was allowing to happen repeatedly, and therefore loath to confront HIM and question HIS judgement. It is the pastor’s responsibility to set the tone for the behavior of his parishioners at Mass. Believe me, if the letter-writer is upset, other parishioners are, too. I’m surprised that the Smiths would allow their children to be so distracting, since as faithful Catholics, they are surely very concerned about being kind and courteous to their fellow parishioners present at Mass!
Diplomacy is offering to attend a different Mass and babysit the loud kids for the family. An anonymous note is passive aggessive nonsense. The letter writer may well have a valid point, but we’ll never know because he or she has chosen to handle the issue like an angst filled teenager.