Testing Produces Perseverance

I often read books and articles written by people of faith, and I often think: Will I ever get there? Will I ever be that good? But mostly I think: What is wrong with me? I really do try to live a spiritual life. I pray the Divine Office every morning and evening. My spiritual director reminds me I should try and squeeze the Office in at noon as well, but I can’t always find the time. Lent was a complete bust this year. I couldn’t keep a fast other than those prescribed by the Church. Every week I asked God for help and every week I failed. Sometimes I succeeded, like yesterday, but then I am the Pharisee (Luke 18:9-12) saying: Thank you, God! I had a great day! Nothing to report here! Look how great I am! Goodnight! With a big smile and a sigh of relief. In moments like this, I forget who I really am.

That is not to say that I don’t have good days. Sometimes I really do. I’m helpful and kind, non-judgmental, and not criticizing or complaining. But that seems to be the exception. Many times I go to Mass and try as I might I just can’t stop judging. And the worst part is, it is self-righteous!

A few months ago, I went to a weekday noon Mass at the Dominican Basilica. This is their conventual Mass, so it is often very crowded. That day I arrived early, as I usually do, so I could spend a few minutes in silent prayer before Mass. I went and found a spot up near the front. The basilica was relatively empty. I was feeling at peace and prayerful when someone came in and sat right behind me. In an instant, I went from peace and serenity to self-righteous indignation! I was thinking: Really? The entire basilica is empty and you come and sit right behind me?! As soon as these thoughts occurred, accompanied by the rising feeling of irritation, I began to pray asking God for help. Then another person came in and sat right in front of me. Again, I had the same reaction. I was thinking:

What is wrong with these people? Couldn’t they pick one of the completely empty pews? Or at least sit on the other side? Are they so consumed with themselves that they don’t even see me sitting here? Oh, the ridiculousness of my thinking! Who is the one consumed with self here? However, I was aware of my self-centered, self-righteous, sinful nature and began to pray for simple relief from the bondage of my very self.

When the music started, I felt the relief come. The basilica had filled and I was shifted from my selfish want to have space to the extreme gratitude of knowing that on an ordinary weekday at noon, so many people were participating in Mass. And this feeling carried me and I became very grateful for what God had given me. A reprieve from this sin of excessive self-obsession.

I would love to say my story ended here, but sadly it did not. There was a young couple a few pews in front of me who kept talking to each other throughout Mass. Yes, you guessed it, I was judging them. Then they got up and went out to the side chapel (I’m assuming to go to confession) and shortly after returned. They were very distracting, and I kept asking God for help with this too.

Then, it came time to go to Communion. I have come to accept the complete and total chaos that occurs at this time in a Polish Mass. I was raised in the US and lived in England for some time, so I am used to an orderly line to Communion. Not so here in Poland. As soon as the priest begins to come from the altar it’s a mad rush to Jesus. Elderly women who hobble into Mass so very slowly are suddenly possessed by superhuman strength as they bound down the aisle to the Eucharist! I try not to get caught up in this and just get up and find a place in line and try not to get offended or irritated by the people who just cut right in. (Yes, there it is again, judgment!) So, all the while praying that God help me to focus on Him and what I was about to receive, I made my way to the Eucharist and returned to my seat only to find that the distracting couple had taken my place.

I’ve been going to Mass all of my life and I have never once had this happen. As Catholics, it’s kind of an unwritten rule that once you have your seat it’s yours for the entire Mass. I stood there looking at this couple who completely ignored me. Then I had to look around to find another place to sit not knowing where there might be a place that wasn’t already occupied. I waited a bit, standing there staring at this couple, filled with rage and thinking: If I didn’t have the Eucharist in my mouth, I’d tell them to move as well as a few other choice words! And there it is. The Eucharist in my mouth and I am filled with rage. It didn’t end there either. I found a place on the other side of the aisle, and I looked aggressively in their direction. I caught the eye of the man who was sitting directly behind them. This same man who only a short time ago was my mortal enemy for sitting directly behind me in an empty basilica. But I had since forgiven him (so big of me, I know) and he was now my ally as he looked at me knowingly.

At one point I caught the woman’s eye. And gave her a very angry look. I could hear nothing of the end of Mass. There was no reflection on the wonderful gift God had given me in the moment of the Eucharist, thoughts of my own confession followed later. I even followed these people out onto the street praying the entire time that I be given the strength to hold my tongue. Of course, I got a few more aggressive looks in before the matter ended with them walking off down the street.

I am not proud of this, but these are the types of situations which stay with me for days and sometimes weeks accompanied by a deep feeling of irritation. I’ve written about anger and judgment before, but today I want to write about perseverance. James writes:

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials,
for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:1-4).

I must admit that I did not consider this “all joy.” In fact, I was much ashamed of this for some time. I had to go to see my spiritual director, who thankfully has a great sense of humor and basically laughed with me at the sheer ridiculousness of my reaction. I kept saying: “I had the Eucharist in my mouth! Jesus was physically with me! And I wanted to yell at these people right in the middle of Mass!” He reminded me that while Jesus was indeed with me, I am still a human being. My job is to continue to ask for help. Continue to beg and plead for mercy. And in so doing I will be granted a closer relationship with God and a clear understanding of who and what I am without him.

Blessed is the man who perseveres in temptation, for when he has been proved he will receive the crown of life that he promised to those who love him (James 1:12).

This is quite a promise. I am often the recipient of great temptation. It often comes quite suddenly and when I think I’m doing very well. As I said at the beginning of this article. Last night, I did a half-hearted review (mostly because I was so tired… because I waited too long before doing my review) and thought: Great day. Did well. Thanks God. Good night! I had Night Prayer open and had finished the hymn when the dog started jumping up and down on the bed wanting to play. I tried to continue praying but she just kept whipping her toy around, jumping on the bed, off the bed, on the bed and pawing at me to play.

Well, sad to say by the end of my tirade the dog was cowering with my daughter who was trying to soothe her as I got the leash to take her for another walk.  Zero to Armageddon in less than three minutes. Oh! the temptation! The vexation! Why God? I was right in the middle of praying to you.

No one experiencing temptation should say, ‘I am being tempted
by God’; for God is not subject to temptation to evil, and he himself tempts
no one. Rather, each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire conceives and brings forth sin, and when sin reaches
maturity it gives birth to death” (James 1:13-15).

Let me just say that I did not calm down right away. I did ask God for help as I went out into the cold dark night to walk the dog in the park. When we returned home, I began to see the full weight of my sin. I think it is easier to see with animals because I can’t just say: “I’m sorry.” They don’t understand the words but rather experience my actions. How was I enticed by my own desire? I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. My self-obsession, and selfishness once again. The consequences did not fall to me but on one of God’s beautiful and innocent creatures.

Be doers of the word and not hearers only, deluding yourselves.
For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man
who looks at his own face in a mirror. He sees himself, then goes off and promptly forgets what he looked like (James 1:22-24).

That’s me. The man who forgets what he looked like. I wanted to believe that I had lived a spirit-filled day but clearly, I had not. It was reflected in my actions and reactions.

I realize that by writing such things about myself, I open the door to criticism and judgment. But I also believe that by exposing the truth of who I am I may be able to help one person who may be thinking that all of this prayer and spiritual work is to no avail because they do not seem to be advancing in the spiritual life. I believe that by continuing to persevere we advance in the spiritual life. We, in fact, become more human, smaller, weaker which is not such a bad thing. St. Paul even struggled like this:

Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ, for when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).