Talk to Your Child About Pornography Sooner Than Later

Today’s parents are up against more evil influences out to negatively affect and damage their children than any era prior. Much of this has to do with the pornography kids are now able to access on the internet.  This isn’t like my Baby Boomer era when the most common “danger” regarding pornography was a young boy would catch a peek at a Playboy magazine at the drugstore. What is out there on the internet for today’s generation is easier for kids to access – be it by accident or on purpose – and are 50 times as disordered as what earlier generations’ boys and girls were able to sneak a peek of when they were young.

Viewing porn will put images in a child’s mind that they may not be able to get rid of and that will negatively impact their current psyche and their future relationships. Whereas it is not parents’ fault that the internet is a part of today’s world, it is the parents’ fault if they let their kids have too much access to cyberspace such as by having a smartphone too early and if the parents do not sit their children down sooner than later to talk to them about the evils of porn, why it is a sin to purposely view, and what to do if it’s accidentally encountered.

The nationwide average age that children are given their first smartphone is now age 10, and thanks in large part to cell phones in the hands of kids, the average age of a child’s first exposure to pornography is 11. When a child is given a smartphone at any age, a parent is actually increasing the odds dramatically that their youngster will see the most offensive and indecent images – images that can never be erased from the child’s memory and will cause a premature and inappropriate exposure to human sexuality that will impair how they relate sexually to the opposite sex in the future.

A parent who gives their child a smartphone is actually installing a type of porn-shop in the kid’s pocket. Mom or dad is giving son or daughter free pornography that is immediately available and deeply depraved. Unlike the “soft” pornography kids were exposed to in the 20th century via magazines and late-night cable TV, today’s type of virtual porn frequently depicts acts such as gang rape and anal sex. Plus, the porn can be viewed at any time of day and by all ages on so-called harmless sites such as Twitter, TikTok, and Snapchat.

Unfortunately, too many parents today are either too embarrassed or too ignorant about talking to their children regarding pornography – why it is bad and what to do if it is accidentally viewed. Parents will make excuses for procrastinating having a porn conversation with their kids such as, “My son/daughter is a good kid who wouldn’t look at porn and even if it popped up on the screen, he/she wouldn’t be curious to explore viewing it” or “If I talk to my son/daughter about porn, he/she might get curious and start searching for it, so it’s best to stay mum.”

I strongly encourage parents to start the conversations when their kids are old enough to be allowed online without a parent sitting alongside the computer. This is often in the primary grades since children at these ages will often begin their access to the internet to independently do schoolwork, play video games, or watch movies. However, parents must realize that some families don’t put restrictions on their children’s internet use and/or there are other parents who purchase smartphones for their kids as early as kindergarten. So, even if one’s own child isn’t allowed unsupervised online access in the home until later in childhood, when visiting a friend’s house that child might be left alone by the friend’s parents on their computer or smartphone. Therefore, skilled parents will not wait until their children are hitting puberty to start conversations about the dangers and immorality of porn. With how easily and how early today’s generation of youngsters is exposed to x-rated images, the sooner the talk the better.

Most parents understand to explain to their kids by no later than preschool that there can be “good” touches and “bad” touches, and that only a few, select people are allowed to see and/or touch their private parts. But often the conversations about sexuality and body parts stop there with the 3-to-5-year-old and don’t pick up again until years later when dad nervously gives “the talk” to his preteen or teen son about sex and reproduction, and mom does likewise with her daughter once menstruation begins. However, with today’s prevalence of pornography and children having access to the internet, even if unplanned such as at a friend’s house, mothers and fathers need to have deliberate discussions with their elementary-age youngsters to explain what porn is, what is so wrong about it, and what to do if it’s seen.

The book “Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids” is one tool that a parent can use to talk with a child as young as 7. For parents of older kids, the website “Fight the New Drug” is a good resource. Whatever resources parents use to help them inform their children, the underlying principle needs to be that human sexuality education must be presented according to the doctrinal and moral teachings of the Church. Thus, parents would be wise to first educate (or remind) themselves about Catholic doctrine and morality about sexuality by reading the document produced by the Vatican’s Pontifical Council for the Family, “The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education within the Family.”

No, later than the day mom and dad give their child independent access to an internet-connected device like a tablet or phone, and as soon as their child has his or her first unsupervised playdate at a friend’s house, it’s crucial to talk about pornography in an age-appropriate way. The conversation might begin like this:

“Sometimes the internet will include types of pictures and videos of naked people — what’s called pornography or porn. Watching these pictures or videos is not good, especially for kids, so if you see porn, I want you to shut your eyes, leave the screen, and call me or an adult you trust. It is not your fault that you saw naked people by accident, and our family rules are that you are never to try to search for these images on purpose.”

In a similar vein, a conversation with your child, if you allow him or her to have independent access to phones or devices with cameras, should explain your family’s rules and the law, such as:

“It’s not allowed for you to take photos or videos of your private parts or anyone else’s private parts, and if anyone ever asks you for a photo or video of your private parts, I need you to tell me.”

Of course, your talks with younger kids will need you to moderate your vocabulary and depth of discussion. Only information proportionate to each phase of their individual development and maturity level should be presented to children. For example, you don’t explicitly use the term “rape” when educating your kindergartener, but you could discuss how there are some bad people who injure others. As parents engage in deeper conversations with their sons and daughters, they need to cover the following five points in an age-appropriate manner:

1)  Porn desensitizes the watcher. Studies have proven that viewing porn will eventually condition a person – whether male or female – to not view rape as seriously and specifically with men, to increase their aggressiveness toward women. Research that analyzed the content of the most popular pornographic videos attested that over 88% of these films contained physical violence. Most often, the female performers in porn videos are made to appear to be enjoying the degrading abuse.

2) Porn is addictive. Again, studies prove this, such as how the more one is exposed to pornography, the more that person needs to see more deviant forms of sexual activity to be aroused as much as they were previously. Because viewing porn produces chemical changes in the brain, it is like a drug and very similar to when a drug addict craves stronger drugs each time he/she injects, snorts, or ingests. Porn can quickly take over one’s life – even if the viewer is a preteen or teen. Additionally, the use of pornography is often accompanied by masturbation, which is another sinful habit that if difficult to break.

3) Porn degrades people. Pornography treats people as things to be used for the sexual pleasure of viewers and the profit of the pornographers.  This is evil because we know as Christians that every person has human dignity and should never be disrespected or exploited.

4) Porn degrades relationships. Much of the pornography boys/men view displays women performing almost any type of sexual act with any number of men and sometimes with other women. For the boy viewers, this will make them develop an incorrect understanding of celibate dating and what to look for in a future wife. For the men viewers, this often causes them to become dissatisfied when their wives don’t live up to the husbands’ porn-induced fantasies. The Church wants us to understand that God’s gift of human sexuality is meant to express the committed love between a husband and wife and to bring children into the world, but porn separates sex from love and presents a false picture of sex as being harsh and callous.

5) Porn increases crime and produces countless victims. Many viewers of porn will call it “victimless” and argue that the people being filmed are making a living, and the people doing the watching are simply enjoying a form of arousing escapism. The facts refute this. Crime reports reveal that nearly every arrested mass murderer and child molester was discovered to own large pornography collections. One study showed that 64% of all homosexual child molesters and 86% of all rapists used pornography at or immediately before the time of their crimes. Moreover, a large portion of the pornography viewed on porn websites uses women and children who were kidnapped or illegally sold into the sex-trafficking industry. Porn performers are not merely down-on-their-luck Hollywood actresses who decided to freely take part in adult films as they were building their acting portfolios. They are victims.

Using these above five points, parents can hold age-appropriate conversations with their children to help them understand the perils and perversions of porn while learning how to avoid it and what to do if it appears on their screens or if their friends show them indecent pictures or videos.

Just as it is common for children to be curious about sex and bodies, it is common for parents to feel shocked if they discover their sons or daughters have seen porn. If you catch your child intentionally viewing pornography or if your child unintentionally sees porn and comes to you to report it, it is best to react in a calm and gentle way. Respond using some or all of these actions:

• Acknowledge that it’s normal for your child to feel embarrassed or worried talking with you.
• Reassure them that it’s okay to feel curious about sex as they grow up, and to realize that God created sexuality for the dual purpose of married husbands and wives having a way to show love in a unique, special, physical fashion and hopefully bringing new life into the world.
• Explain that sex in pornography is different to how people have sex in real life.
• Talk about how relationships should be built around love and respect, and that your family’s values and the Church’s rules are that only a married husband and wife should have sex.
• Find out what and how much your child viewed, clarify the truths and falsehoods about what they saw, and ask if they have questions.
• Make it clear to your child who intentionally viewed porn that any purposeful searching for pornography, sexting, or posting of body parts will result in being grounded from technology for a few days up to a few months, depending on the severity of the incident.
• Keep the lines of communication open between you and your child so he/she will come to you with questions and for advice in the future.

Even though good parents will oftentimes agree with the reality of how bad it is for children to have a smartphone, parents will often still say, “But my kids need a phone in cases of emergency when they are waiting to be picked up from soccer practice or walking alone to the library after school.” If this is the reason why you want to give your child a cell phone, give them one that isn’t smart and can’t access the internet. It’s possible to buy a dumb phone – an older model cell phone that has no internet capability or a current year phone that would require a separate data package to connect. Check out “The Light Phone” or “The Gabb Phone” for two types of safer phones to purchase for your child.

How about setting up a family rule that smartphones are only allowed when one turns 16 and also when the teenager has earned the money to buy the phone him/herself? This would mean the purchase will definitely not occur when your child is in elementary or middle school (which is becoming the common age for parents to give in and buy their kids smartphones these days) but only when your child is mature enough to handle the responsibility and to work a part-time job. All of today’s parents who were born as Baby Boomers or Generation X kids managed to survive their childhood without a cell phone. Your child will survive his or her.

Remember, it’s not just phones. Parents need to be vigilant about other electronic devices that have internet access. The laptop your child uses for school assignments or the pad/console/tablet you bought them to view movies or play games must have filtering software installed. You need to know how to access the search history and consistently verify your child isn’t sneaking peeks at pornography or improper messaging. Two good family rules to have are that the computer must be used in a public place in the home, such as the dining room table and not the bedroom, and the screen must be turned in a way that when mom or dad enters the room, they can immediately view what your child is viewing.

I am not knocking technology per se or telling you to forbid any tech use by your children, but I am knocking unsupervised internet use by kids and telling you to never purchase a smartphone for your elementary school or middle school-age child. Parents who do not limit their kids’ use of the internet and/or supply cell phones without strong safeguards are basically allowing their youngsters to be damaged and corrupted. Besides the obvious immorality of pornography, elementary-age kids, preteens, and most teenagers are simply unprepared to distinguish the messages they encounter in porn and understand the feelings that emerge when they see actions that are disturbing and incomprehensible.

Parents, talk to your kids sooner than later about the dangers of pornography. This will be most effective if your discussions are part of a larger, continuing conversation throughout the years they grow up about how sex is most meaningful, truly loving, and enhancing human happiness only when it’s part of something bigger — that is, part of a committed and faithful relationship historically known as the Sacrament of Marriage.