Spiritual Scrupulosity and OCD Awareness Month

What is OCD?

October is National OCD Awareness Month. What is OCD and how can OCD affect the spiritual life of a Roman Catholic?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a medical condition. It consists, as the name of the diagnosis suggests, of obsessions which result in compulsive behavior. For example, the most commonly known form of OCD is probably contamination OCD. The obsessions may revolve around a fear of bacteria and a fear of germs and poor health. The compulsions are the response to the obsessions, which in this case, maybe washing hands multiple times. This is usually called a “ritual.” The ritual could be, “I need to wash my hands thoroughly five times in a row whenever I touch a doorknob.”

Now, many people throw around the term “OCD.” Perhaps one might say, “I am so OCD about how I arrange my clothes in my closet.” In truth, though, it would not be diagnosable OCD unless if arranging your clothes becomes such an obsession that it takes over your life and makes you unable to function properly.

What is Scrupulosity?

Another type of OCD is scrupulosity OCD. I have it. It is an excessive fear of sin or Hell. One of my compulsions may be feeling the need to say a prayer “correctly” like the “Hail Mary.” I may pray one “Hail Mary” and find that I did not pray it “well enough.” So, I pray it again. And if I still find that I did not pray it well enough, I pray it again. And again. And so forth. My mental and physical rituals with scrupulosity have in the past been so intense and so frequent that it disturbed my quality of life, fed my depression and anxiety, and it became so hard to live with myself (All I saw was sin, sin, and sin), that I needed medical attention.

I became so obsessed with the fear of displeasing God and going to Hell that I believed I could not receive Holy Communion and that I did not deserve love. This made going to Holy Mass extremely painful for me. Yet, despite my constant thoughts about death and sin, on the outside, it looked like I was living the life of a healthy, extra-devout, practicing Catholic. After all, I was spending lots of time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I prayed Rosaries and Divine Mercy Chaplets. I sometimes fasted and made penances for myself like sleeping on the floor or not having sweets. I talked about God with joy and belief. I would even encourage others who were struggling with a variety of problems as if there was nothing going on with me.

But it was all hidden inside of me.

A Diagnosis

How did I get out of this spinning wheel of scruples? Firstly, my scruples were identified as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. That was a huge help in knowing why I was having such difficulty praying and hating myself for not loving God and my neighbor perfectly.

The diagnosis helped me realize that my scrupulosity was not just a spiritual problem, but that I had a notable “glitch” in my brain that needed treatment. My obsession may be fear of a certain sin, such as an intense fear that I wore a dress that was too short to wear inside a church. Another example is that I fear I did not make a good enough Confession. The spiritual way of overcoming these scruples is different than the medical, cognitive way. I tried several spiritual solutions from Anointing of the Sick to speaking with a priest, to reading a book about scrupulosity. When my health deteriorated quickly, it became clear that my obsessions and compulsions were keeping me from living life and I needed medical attention.

As I was definitely not functioning, I went to a residential hospital for two months to help with my OCD. It was very intensive and did not just revolve around Cognitive-behavioral therapy (which is a very helpful therapy). Instead, I went through what is called “Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy.” For example, I may have a fear that it is a sin for my foot to touch the Bible. The exposure would be me purposefully touching the Bible or standing on it and just letting myself be anxious. I would “sit” with that anxiety until it went “down.” I would do these exposures over and over again until I was not obsessed about sin and how to handle the Bible.

A Spiritual Battle

I gained many skills at the OCD hospital and even more with a very excellent OCD therapist. But what if this is just a spiritual problem? What if you are mentally healthy but having spiritual attacks? Let us say you feel unworthy going to receive Holy Communion. You may fear that you are so sinful and unworthy that you should not receive Jesus. That is when you must fight the scruple. Acknowledge to yourself that you have not mortally sinned and you have every right to receive Christ into your heart. It may feel “off” or against your nature. You may feel like recoiling at the sight of the All-Holy God who came down to earth and made Himself the Bread of Life so that He could dwell so closely within us.

Another way to look at this is that the devil does not want you to receive Holy Communion. Therefore, he will try everything to prevent you. Often, he presents scruples to the most devout Catholics. He knows that you may love God so much that you would not dare let Jesus touch your lips. We must acknowledge that the devil is giving us scruples and stick to the faith that we are a beloved child of God, and He immensely wants us to receive all of Him in Communion.

What if it Does Not “Feel Right”?

Often with OCD and with spiritual scrupulosity, what we do will not necessarily make us feel warm and fuzzy. In fact, we might feel stone-cold or wrapped in guilt. This is when we need to trust entirely in the Divine Mercy of Jesus. He knows you have scrupulosity OCD and He knows you are conquering it through Exposure Therapy. He knows if you have spiritual scrupulosity and He wants you to come to Him in the Sacraments and in personal and communal prayer, even if it does not feel “good” and “right.”

Be not afraid. The Lord knows all and sees all. He knows your heart and that you want to please Him. Act according to that love.