Pursuing Holiness in Times of Transition

I’m turning 40 next month. It feels like more than just another birthday. Older readers may laugh at my enthusiasm, but 40 feels momentous to me. I want this coming year to be something life-altering, an opportunity for real growth and improvement. Of course, every year I greet the new year like this – with boundless enthusiasm. My 40^th birthday is like a New Year’s Eve all my own.

In my excitement, I’ve been looking into ways to shift my focus, develop good habits, and step into my 40s with confidence. I’m being cautious though, because so many books and theories on self-improvement are problematic – they often negate faith and distract from true growth with deceptive, self-focused, surface improvements.

Self-Improvement or Self-Centeredness?

A focus on “self-improvement” can morph quickly into a focus on self alone. It’s easy to get wrapped up in our own heads: my thoughts, my feelings, the work I need to do to process my experiences. If we’re not careful, all this personal growth will end up turning us into self-centered brats.

Part of the danger is in the highly subjective nature of the personal development world. “How do I feel about my life?” we are told to ask. “Is the life I’m living ‘really me’? Or would I be happier somewhere else?”

Those are fine questions to ask, but the answers aren’t as open as all the articles on “Reinventing Yourself” would like to imagine. At 22, fresh out of college, I could look around and think “what sort of life do I want to make for myself” – and the answers could vary wildly: Hermit? Nun? Nomad? Homesteader? I could reinvent my life with each new apartment if I wanted to, at least to an extent. But if I as an (almost) 40-year-old, married mother start to think “my husband, kids, home, state, pets, and parish just aren’t serving me the way I want them too,” then I’ve missed the point of self-improvement altogether.

I am in a stable place in my life, settled in my vocation. Any improvements I make need to make me a better wife and mother, not less of one. The same is true of any of us who have a vowed vocation in life. Self-improvement in its full sense should improve us for others, not merely for ourselves. So when I sit down with my little planner and look toward my 40s – I’m asking myself slightly different questions:

How Am I Imagining Christ in My Life?

My primary memories of my parents revolve around their generosity and kindness. I look back on my childhood as a warm, safe, and indulgent time. Now, even when I’m frustrated with my parents, the sense of their hospitality throughout my life reins in my annoyances and reminds me to repay that childhood abundance in kind.

Their hospitality was the primary image of Christ in my young mind, and even now, I tend to view God as a slightly-too indulgent Father who delights in surprising me with all the joys of life. It’s a happy image, and as I re-examine my own life, I hope it’s one I’m imagining for my children as well. I’m spending time this year looking closely at how I present myself to the world, and what my self-presentation says to those I meet about God’s love for them.

How Am I Stewarding the Gifts of God?

It’s not just the financial gifts of God that deserve care and attention. Our bodies, families, communities, and minds are all gifts from God for us to nourish. This summer, I’m focusing particularly on my body and mind – I’m even diving into a “challenge” of sorts. A friend told me about “75 Hard” as a way to focus my mind and body on intentional disciplines.

I’m primarily hoping that the challenge, which will coincide with St. Michael’s Lent, will build up my self-discipline and help me focus on being present to my family and intentional about my choices. It reminds me a little of the Catholic challenge for men, Exodus 90.

Do My Relationships Bring Me Closer to Christ?

This can be a tricky one to navigate. “Relationships” can be such a catch-all term. Some relationships, like casual friendships, that don’t bring me closer to Christ may be better off culled from my life. The pseudo-relationships of social media are almost always a distraction from Christ, but some can become real, healthy friendships if managed well. Family relationships, unless very damaging, are never on the chopping block. But, approaching all these with healthy boundaries is essential.

I do love the original Boundaries book by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. While not a Catholic book, these Protestant counselors give great advice for building strong relationships through maintaining a healthy sense of self.

Every Day Is Bright with Promise

I’m counting the days until my 40^th birthday. My husband is throwing me the “over the hill” party I’ve been longing for all my adult life. Forty feels like the summer solstice of my life – I’m ready and eager to make the next season of life as beautiful as it can be.

But if you’re well past 40, or if 40 is still 25 years from now – there is always a reason to grow. Don’t wait until your next big milestone to ask God, your husband, your children, or your parents “how can I love you more?” We who are alive today are entrusted with a tender moment in time – so many people long to be wrapped up in God’s love, and each of us has the opportunity to be that soft blanket He uses to wrap them.

At the end of the day, true self-improvement comes as we step closer to sanctity and learn to love others as Christ loves them – and us. All the books and challenges are only worthwhile as opportunities to practice saying as St. John the Baptist did long ago, “He must increase; I must decrease.”