Memento Mori, Thoughts on Growing Old

Loneliness, repentance

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Old age should burn and rave at close of day; 
Rage, rage against the dying of the light (Dylan Thomas).

Growing Old with Our Shih-Tzu

Old people love to talk about their aches and pains.  I’ve forborne doing that, but as I look back on my recent birthday (In a few years I’ll be in my tenth decade), it struck me that if I did so, I might find a therapeutic context for my own signs of senility.

And there is a case history in our house that will help in this.  A few years ago, we had a Shih-Tzu, Toby,  who at 14 suddenly began showing signs of growing old.  His tail, instead of arching over his back, drooped more and more.  He limped, favoring the two legs that were probably arthritic.    Even though blind, he had navigated well over a large yard and cluttered rooms during the preceding four years.  But he began to bump into objects more and more, and without the sound of our voices to guide, would hesitate—as if to ponder “where am I and what am I doing here?”.

Toby’s bark was still imperious as he asked to be let out or in;  despite the drooping tail, his spirit seemed to be good until the last few months.   (My wife contends that he had racial memories of being a pampered pet in the household of the Chinese Empress and condescended to stay with us, round-eyed peasants.) He grew quite scrawny in his old age—ribs and backbone were conspicuous.  (That’s one attribute of old age I wish I would emulate.)

In the end, he had trouble standing and had been incontinent for about six weeks—we had used baby diapers (#1) and a wrap to minimize cleaning up. One of our other dogs, a very sensitive and intelligent terrier mix, was very upset by all this.   He would avoid going into the room where Toby slept, and when in the room would smell and nuzzle him. Toby’s last days were particularly bad;  there were periods when he would continually utter a high, piercing cry, unlike any bark or whimper he had voiced before.    We would rearrange him on his bed, help him to stand, offer him water or food, which would seem to give him a little peace.   Finally, when he refused food or drink and was not able to stand or walk at all, we decided it was time to put him to sleep at the age of 17 (119 human years?).  It was very hard.

And should I be put down when I become infirm?

And here comes the point of comparison.  I myself am noticing a slow-down.  I now find it hard to do yard work that was easy a few years ago. As a point of pride and for cardio-vascular workouts, I used to avoid elevators.   Now it’s seldom that I go up or downstairs except in our home, and then I plan errands to minimize trips between floors.

And when I get to Toby’s state should I be put down, euthanized?  Here’s a question: why is it permissible to euthanize a pet, but not a human being?  And here’s the answer:  humans have a special soul, an intellective soul, to use a scholastic term.   We can know of our own death; we can know of a God; we are created special.   C.S. Lewis has written the last chapter in his book “On the Problem of Pain” that deals with this question.   His answer, which I like very much, is that man is meant to be head of the kingdom (as in Eden) and will be in heaven with the animals who have been his companions in life.

Watching the Old People at the Nursing Home

You are old, Father William,” the young man said,“And your hair has become very white;And yet you incessantly stand on your head –Do you think, at your age, it is right?”“In my youth,” Father William replied to his son “I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I’m perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again (Lewis Carroll).

This is the big question: what should be done when or if my mind becomes as decrepit as my body?  I see signs of what could happen when I attend  Masses held in the chapel of a local nursing home, managed by an order of Catholic Nuns.  The Nursing Home is also a rehab center for patients with Alzheimer’s and other senile mental disorders.   Many of the elderly nuns are there for either physical rehab, nursing care, or Alzheimer’s.

About 10 to 15 of us non-patients (including some still active nuns) attend Mass there on a semi-regular, twice-a-week basis.  We sit in chairs along the back and one of the side walls. The main part of the room is empty in order to hold the 10 to 15 wheelchairs in phalanx rows; there are four or five patients in wheelchairs against the other sidewall.   A few rows of chairs are placed in the room for friends and relatives of the patients so that they can sit alongside the wheelchairs of their loved ones.   Two or three attendants and nuns sit along the back wall.   No one rises or kneels during the Mass—it would be a hurtful reminder to those in the wheelchairs who cannot do so.  As is usual in Catholic Churches, one sits in a customary place.

During Mass I occasionally hear one of the patients (not one of the nuns) making a comment—”that’s beautiful”, “praise God”, “where’s my watch”, “thank you, Father”.  As the priest makes his rounds handing out Holy Communion to each of us, visitors and patients, I look up and see one of the patients sleeping; the priest or EMOHC (a nun) will gently nudge the patient and slip a small portion of the Host into her mouth.

One of the nuns celebrated her 82nd anniversary in the Order a few weeks ago and her 100th birthday a week later.  She is alert and usually not one of those sleeping as Holy Communion is given out.   I see another nun, sleeping during the Mass; her hands are folded in prayer, but she seems oblivious to all that goes on around her, even when asked to receive the Host.   I recall some five or six years ago–she was sharp, witty, alert, managing a large enterprise for the order.   What are her interior thoughts now, I wonder?  Her hands are folded in prayer–does that posture mirror an interior devotion?

Which direction will I take–will the exterior display of the mind go?  Will there still be an interior self to contemplate and pray?

MEMENTO MORI

If I had my life to live over again, I would form the habit of nightly composing myself to thoughts of death. I would practice, as it were, the remembrance of death. There is not another practice which so intensifies life. Death, when it approaches, ought not to take one by surprise. It should be part of the full expectancy of life (Muriel Spark, Memento Mori).

And as I think of growing old and last days, I recall the Ash Wednesday injunction: “Remember man, thou art dust and unto dust thou shall return“.    The Latin motto, “Memento Mori” (remember that you have to die) was important in Medieval times for those pursuing an ascetic discipline, to hone their thoughts to the hereafter.

“Memento Mori” is the title of a wonderful novel by Muriel Spark about forethoughts of death and how they enhance life.   In the novel, a group of elderly people—arty and social types—receive occasional phone calls (before the days of cell phones) “remember you must die”.    Their lives go on, perturbed somewhat by the calls, but not exceedingly so.    As some confront death, they compose themselves for an end to life, as the quote above suggests.   At the end of the novel, it is not clear who has been sending the phone messages—perhaps God?

So, as we grow old we contemplate that “undiscovered country”.   We hope we are made strong by faith; that by faith even though it is imperfect, we will find that our Lord, in His infinite capacity for forgiveness, will not look too harshly on our sins.

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9 thoughts on “Memento Mori, Thoughts on Growing Old”

  1. Pingback: Memento Mori, Redux: Is There a Rainbow Bridge?* – The American Catholic

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  4. A lovely article!
    One other reason we put down animals and not people is that the suffering of an animal has no meaning to them – they don’t understand or find meaning in suffering – they cannot unite it the suffering of Jesus. This is similar to what you wrote but why hard as it is, I put down my pets when it is apparent they are suffering. One may argue neither do those with dementia understand, but they may, and caring for them teaches us much. I am thankful for CS Lewis’ thoughts as I hope to enjoy my beloved pets once again someday:)

    1. an ordinary papist

      “… is that the suffering of an animal has no meaning to them – they don’t understand or find meaning in suffering –”

      Chimps, dogs, and giraffes mourn their dead; Elephants cry and will try to bury their dead.
      A mother whale recently carried her dead calf for days while surrounded by the others in her
      pod. I would think twice before trying to gauge the emotional loss of an alien species lest
      we be visited by an advanced civilization that pegs us for the brutes we mostly are.

  5. Thinking on this article: As for the time and manner of our own deaths, if we learn now, step by step, to have full confidence in God our Father and in His Fathering us, in the Resurrection of His only begotten Son Jesus Christ Who died once for all, and in the Holy Spirit’s leading and guiding us into all Truth, the fears concerning the time and manner of our death, will diminish step by step.

    As we grow in knowing, loving, and serving God, we will come to fully accept that His time and way for us to go to Him, will be the best way.

    “Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
    1 Thessalonians 5:23.

    Dearest God, In Jesus’ Name I pray, please prepare me and my loved ones and others whom You include in this prayer, to be readied by Your Holy Spirit for our own going home time and for each other’s going home time, so that when You come for us, our Hearts are one with Yours in every way. The how it will be is up to You Dear God, as I desire to trust You with my whole being, spirit, soul, and body, and so to be in fellowship with You in every way.

    Please do keep on teaching us and keeping us, so that our love for You and to be with You grows daily. Please fill our hearts with Joy to be with You. Amen.

    God bless, C-Marie

  6. an ordinary papist

    Here’s an excerpt from A. C. Swinburne”s poem, The Garden of Proserpine that I have found
    strangely comforting – “From too much love of living, from hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving Whatever gods there be That no life lives forever; That dead men rise up never; That even the weariest river Winds somewhere safe to sea.”

  7. This is one of the most beautiful pieces I have read in a long time. Thank you! I too, have walked that road with a beloved pet and cried my heart out at the goodbye, promising him/her that we will meet again.
    I have no fear of death. Never had. All I can think of is that wondrous reunion with those who preceded me. But I do fear infirmity, pain, feebleness, others having to take care of me. And yes, euthanasia raises its ugly head.
    Thank you again for sharing and making my day.

    1. Thank you Ida, for your kind words. I wrote this piece about 5 years ago, and it becomes even more meaningful to me now. I’m 91 and the terrier mentioned in the article is approaching his end of days. Mass at the nursing home for nuns has not been open to the public for the past year, and I wonder how they have been doing. My primary physician told me there was a Covid infestation and 18 died within a period of several weeks. I’m sure they’re in heaven, celebrating with our Lord.

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