Marriages That Last

Over the past few months, I have attended two funerals.  At both of them, elderly widowers were mourning their deceased wives.  Both of the couples were married for more than 65 years.

Although funerals are not happy occasions, there was actually reason to be joyful on both occasions.  Both instances were a tribute to the sacrament of marriage.  Both of the deceased were true to their vows made before God to love and honor their spouses “all the days of my life.”  How wonderful that their marriages endured in a world actively trying to kill and pervert this sacrament.

During the viewing for each of these women, their wedding pictures were on display.  It was astonishing to see how vibrant they and their spouses were in their youth.

Many of us present talked about how much change the couples must have seen over their lives.  Mass communication evolved from radio to television to the internet.  Travel by train changed to air travel.  And even as late as the mid-1900s, people were worried about contracting polio, while today this disease is nearly nonexistent.

I also overheard many comments about how marriages like theirs do not exist anymore.  “They grew up in different times” was a common phrase I heard.  The underlying premise was that marriages as long-lasting as theirs are not possible anymore.

However, these couples, now old, were just like us.  Indeed, they faced many of the same challenges married couples face today.

The Current Generation

Today, criticism of the young is fairly common.  Every new generation is even given a label to make it easier to attack them.

Millennials continue to be target of scorn for many, but now those in Generation Z are coming under fire.  Ironically, I am finding that a good portion of the criticism of Gen Z is coming from millennials!

A little investigation, however, reveals that every generation comes under fire from its elders.  In the 1950’s, the youth were criticized for being troublemakers.  They actually listened and danced to a new kind of music called rock-n-roll!

The movies from that time, like “The Blackboard Jungle” or “Rebel without a Cause,” also depicted these Baby Boomers as juvenile delinquents.  But these are the same people now celebrating 65 and 70 years of marriage.

How could The Silent Generation have gotten it so wrong?

I tend to think every generation is criticized by the preceding generation.  For one, as William Randolph Hearst might have said, “it sells newspapers.”  It also makes for interesting books and movies.

All Marriages Have a First Year

Most marriages start with a young, inexperienced man and a young, inexperienced woman agreeing to enter a covenant with God for a lifetime.  Although the two may have gone to school for years, they would be (and often are) naïve to believe that they are prepared to deal with the burdens the world puts on the shoulders of those who are married.

Quite often, neither of these newlyweds has dealt with the pressure of paying bills and keeping a job in a troubled economy while simultaneously providing for and teaching a new generation.  Neither understands how much they will learn as they practice their vocation as a spouse.

They will both experiment with how to treat situations, challenges, and one another.  Over time they will both grow.  But will their marriages last?

Pew Research Data shows that Catholics have one of the lowest incidences of divorce in the United States, at 19% compared to an overall divorce rate of 44%.  Moreover, Catholics who are active in their parishes are even less likely to get divorced.  Why is that?

Catholic Marriages

I would argue that practicing Catholics are more likely to accept the truth of Christ’s teachings.  He taught that marriage is permanent and holy.  He is quite clear about this in Matthew 19:3-9.

Some Pharisees approached him, and tested him, saying, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause whatever?  He said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?  So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”

They said to him, “Then why did Moses command that the man give the woman a bill of divorce and dismiss her?” He said to them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.  I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) and marries another commits adultery.”

If you believe Christ’s teaching, then you really have to be ‘all in’ when it comes to marriage.  There is no other option.  Marriage is much more than just a legal contract to practicing Catholics.  Marriage is both a Sacrament and a Covenant.

I would also argue that those practicing the Faith have a community around them to support them in times of difficulty.  Sometimes that community needs to do nothing more than show them what it looks like to be married for 65 years.

All Marriages Are a Work in Progress

When looking at Michelangelo’s fresco on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, no one ever seems to ask if it is different from his initial sketches.  No one ever seems to ask how many times he scraped off wet plaster in one section and started that section over.  However, people do marvel at its majesty in its final state.

When each of us are struggling with something, we tend to forget that each of us is a work in progress.  Most couples who have been married for many years will say the same thing about marriage.  A good marriage is always a work in process.