Living with Jesus

I have mentioned before that when I was very young, my imaginary friends were Baby Jesus and Crocodile (from Peter Pan). Baby Jesus was my friend; Crocodile, having developed a taste for bad guys, was our guardian.

At least that’s what I’ve been told. My active memory begins some time after the imaginary friend phase passed.

After my imaginary friend phase passed, I had imaginary conversations with favorite TV characters.  This lasted until I was 5 or so.  My favorite characters were Andy Devine’s character Jingles from the old Annie Oakley television show, and, of course, given my age, Zorro.

As we age, our imaginary conversations take on the character of “I should have said,” or a kind of rehearsal for a conversation we are anticipating.  My own experience has me guessing that a lot of these conversations take place in bed when we’d rather be asleep!

Practicing The Presence Of God

Brother Lawrence of the Resurrection was a soldier in the Thirty Years War. After a self-described unsuccessful career as a clumsy footman (“who broke everything”) he became a humble monk. Initially he worked as a cook for 15 years before moving to the sandal repair shop. But he was known to return to the kitchen to help out there as well.

His letters and conversations were collected and published after his death by Father Joseph de Beaufort as The Practice Of The Presence Of God.

There is much more that can be said of Brother Lawrence and his work. However, it is almost always better to read a great work than to read someone else’s writing about a great work. So, I leave it to you to read de Beaufort’s booklet (it is only 22 pages). Instead, here I am writing about my own conversations and attempts to live in the presence of God and His Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Weekly Holy Hour

A number of years ago, at the direction of my parish Priest, I began to keep a Holy Hour every week (on Wednesday afternoons, if it matters).  I go to our parish’s Adoration Chapel and pray or meditate.  Sometimes I just sit silently in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament.

Some people read the Bible or some blessed or holy work, during Holy Hours, but I enjoy reading to the point of it being close to a vice. I have no confidence that my Holy Hour would not soon devolve into another reading session, albeit one dedicated to scripture or some respectable commentary or saintly memoir.

I do, however, allow myself to take into the chapel my memory of things I have read.  Recently, I focused my attention focused on the Real Presence of Christ in the Consecrated Host.  In doing so I found myself remembering what I was told about my friendship with the Baby Jesus.

I try to keep my prayer time from being an incessant monologue with attempts to slow my thoughts and listen for “the still, small voice.”  Recently I found myself wondering about just how much I might trust my imagination.  Was this question blinding me to the possibility of trusting reality, I mused.

Intimacy with Jesus

A number of years ago I told my spiritual mentor about my imaginary friends.  He said he did not think that Baby Jesus was imaginary.  Nor did he did mean that the object of my imagination was not real – there was, of course, a real baby Jesus. He meant that I was in spiritual touch with Jesus in the way that I was capable of knowing Him while a toddler – as a fellow child, perhaps even younger than I.

This brought me up short, as I think it was intended to do.  In that place, and at that time, I surely did not live with an immediate sense of the presence of Christ. I had an acceptance of His presence, safely tucked away in layers of abstraction. But for the most part I did not feel much sense of intimacy except during and immediately after Mass.

The Fear Of Intimacy

I Googled “fear of intimacy” and got about 54,600,000 results.   The overwhelming majority of those results are probably focused on human-to-human relationships.  I only looked at the first 50 or 60 results, and all of them were about social and psychological distancing, not spiritual.

It stands to reason, though, that if fear of intimacy is such a common human problem it must be even more so when it comes to intimacy with our Creator and Redeemer. At least with other humans we can take comfort in the possibility that we can hide parts of ourselves from them.  This is especially so in the short term and with those we keep at some distance.

Opening ourselves to intimacy with our omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent God, is different.  The idea of concealing parts of ourselves seems to be a weak reed, at best – more likely a delusion. This is why the fear of God is such a strong theme in the Old Testament, for unmediated encounters with Him are sure to be overwhelming.

One of the great gifts of the Incarnation is how it allows intimacy with God.  Through the mediation of the Son and the Holy Spirit we no longer have to wait in a cave like Elijah.  We don’t have to wait for the wind and the fire and the earthquake to pass to find the Lord in a gentle whisper – “a light silent sound” (1 Kings 19:11-12).

Do Not Fear Intimacy with Christ

Jesus is our Mediator, the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  As daunting as He can seem to us in the Gospel accounts, we see that over and over His actual presence overcame reluctance and soothed fears.  This is shown in the accounts of Zacchaeus and the unnamed woman with a discharge who merely wanted to touch the hem of His robe to be healed.

Though He may be the Word that called the universe into being, Jesus will always also still be the gentle lover of all who come to Him for peace and redemption. Toward the end he told his Apostles that he would call them brothers.  And even now He is reaching out to enfold us in the loving intimacy of His embrace.

Our fear is not of intimacy with Him.  It is fear of what we may come to see in ourselves when we are fully accepted into His redeeming love.

Back To Childhood

Jesus said “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3).   Commentary on this verse points out that it is not a call to childlike innocence.  It is, rather, a call to the uncomplicated and complete trust young children have in their parents.

In thinking about my relationships with my best friends, I find that I am generally more open because I trust them to expect and forgive my little quirks and foibles.  In return I try to restrain my major faults.

But the core of what we know about Jesus is forgiveness.  He forgives not just for our quirks and foibles but potentially those dark and deadly flaws we do our best to keep hidden from the world and, too often, even from ourselves.

When I was a toddler palling around with Baby Jesus, I didn’t have a lot of dark and disturbing flaws.  At least I was not aware of any. Ours was a carefree relationship of joy. My friend loved me and occasionally reminded me that I ought to at least try to be better.  And my parents were not people inclined to pass up a possible parenting lever.

I don’t remember my “Baby Jesus” days so I cannot say whether my friend ever kept me out of mischief. I do know that when I attempt to walk closely with Jesus as an adult, I have more than a few uncomfortable moments. When I have them I think “I need to be better than this.”

Practice, Practice, Practice

On those days where temptations are fewer and further between, the attempt to walk in closer fellowship can lead me to some wonderful places of compassion, love, and acceptance. And as often as not they are being shown to me instead of coming from me.

And this brings to mind the old joke about a visitor to New York who asks a New Yorker on the street “How do I get to Carnegie Hall?”

“Practice, practice, practice,” answers the New Yorker.

For more comprehensive and deep advice on practicing the presence of God, see Brother Lawrence’s work.

But if you need time to build up to that, then try to remember what it was like to have an imaginary friend.  And then realize that you have an physically invisible Friend who is not only real, but the very ground of reality.  Allowing Him to walk with you through your days is better company than we can imagine.

Prayer

From St. Patrick’s Breastplate:

Christ be with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ within me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

Amen.