Lessons in Marriage Learned and Shared

When is the best time to get married? Is it when one is young and doe-eyed, or perhaps when one is more mature and wiser to the world? Is it when one has saved up enough money for a dream wedding, pulling all the stops, bells and whistles for a visual extravaganza, which will leave everyone breathless? Perhaps the best time to get married is when one has enough for a down payment for a house, or school loans have been paid off, or both. Better yet, how about when one can already afford to have a child? For some, it is apparently a toss-up between having a child or saving the planet.

Marriage in Today’s World

Younger or older, richer or poorer – is it better or worse to be married in today’s world? The cynical and the jaded would probably say it does not really matter, as most things, which smack of tradition or idealism and involve a commitment, are the stuff of fairy tales. When they end, it is not happy ever after. It just ends.

Yet, there are still those of us who are not of the “chipped-glass-is-half-empty” demeanour or the “life-is-tough-and-then-you-die” mindset. There are those of us who wholeheartedly believe that in God, nothing is impossible, and the hope He gives us is bigger and higher and stronger than anything life can ever throw at us. There are those of us, who believe that the sacramental marriage of two people is sacred and their path to holiness. Those who discern their vocation to marriage, whether they be younger or older, richer or poorer, should be encouraged to turn to God for strength, faith and the grace to be each other’s way to heaven.

What follows is an open letter I have written to the daughter of a very good friend. This is a young lady, who I saw grow up over the years into a young woman in her early twenties, who is a firm believer in God and faithful Catholic and is to be married in the spring, embarking on an adventure, to which God has invited them, with Him as their invaluable Companion.

Dearest Bride-to-be:

In a few more months, you will walk down the aisle, and – before God and a church full of people – give your consent to your union in marriage. It will be, to say the least, a life-changing moment of awe-inspiring joy and faith. I am certain there will be more than just a few tears. Tears are a visible sign of emotion overflowing, and this is not uncommon when two people promise to love each other until death do they part. On your wedding day, you and your husband-to-be will be a sign of hope and promise!

I know that your faith is very important to you both. The beauty of your forthcoming marriage is that together, side by side, united in this blessed sacrament, you will be able to draw upon the special grace God will give to you. You will be able to count on His mercy, His providence, His love. He will never leave you alone.

The sacrament of Matrimony signifies the union of Christ and the Church. It gives spouses the grace to love each other with the love with which Christ has loved his Church; the grace of the sacrament thus perfects the human love of the spouses, strengthens their indissoluble unity, and sanctifies them on the way to eternal life (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1661)

Wedding Day Seeds

My prayer for you is that your wedding day joy and hope take root in your hearts, and grow deep and strong, carrying you through the challenges you may and will face in life as man and wife. May your faith bear you through times of difficulties and inspire gratitude in times of happiness.

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7).

May you be, to each other, the visible and living sign of God’s immeasurable and merciful love. We live in a world, which encourages each person to take care of number one first – “number one” being himself or herself. Together, you will be a beautiful contradiction to this selfish viewpoint; a living witness to the priceless gift of self-sacrifice; a reflection of Christ’s own sacred death and self-giving on the Cross. “This grace of Christian marriage is a fruit of Christ’s cross, the source of all Christian life.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1615)

Three Things

Be mindful of what our Holy Father Pope Francis said about the three things, which are the secret to a successful marriage: “Please”, “Thank you”, “I’m sorry.” Respect, gratitude, and forgiveness: they are all anchored by humility and founded on unconditional love.

Make time for each other – it is never wasted time. Spend time listening well to each other. Be sincere with one another, always. Be quick to ask for forgiveness, and be quicker to forgive. At the end of one’s life, there is never regret about having forgiven. It is usually that one wishes they had asked for another’s pardon or been reconciled with someone estranged.

Stand by each other firmly and without hesitation. A person’s worth is infinitely greater than all of his or her mistakes. Remember: you are each other’s way to heaven. Jobs are gained and lost, money earned and spent, life has many ups and downs. The one constant, which will see you through moments of ordinary married life and extraordinary events is faith in God and His abiding love.

Fruitfulness and Providence

I pray for you to be open to whomever and whatever God blesses you when you start your family. Know that each marital union and family is fruitful when the couple is open to God’s will and providence. Nobody can assure you of a secure life, free of debt, want, hardship or suffering. Trials and difficulties are a part of life in this world. However, so are joy and happiness, and if you trust in God, there will be much of this.

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Do not fear, I will help you (Isaiah 41:13).

Listen to Mary

It is no accident that Jesus and Mary were at that wedding in Cana. Christ’s presence and the significance of His very first miracle at the wedding underscore the importance of marriage and forthcoming His divine assistance to those who marry. Heed the words of His mother, Mary, to the servants:

Do whatever he tells you (John 2:5).

This is the best marriage advice you will ever get. With God, nothing is impossible. Turn to Him always and invite Him now, even before your wedding day, to help you prepare for one of the most significant times of your life.

History of Salvation

Forgive me for all of this unsolicited advice. Because I saw you grow up over the years and had the pleasure of working with you in the girls club (all the cooking we did was so worth it!), in many ways I consider you like another daughter. However, I write this as an older woman, married nearly 26 years, to a younger woman who is about to embark on one of life’s greatest adventures. I address you, not as your superior (never!) but as one who has been humbled by the experience of God’s providential love in my own marriage.

I have learned one important thing: marriage is not about being equal or the same or perfect. It is about how each other’s differences and flaws can work together and evolve into what is beautiful and maybe surreal at times when we forget about ourselves and focus on the other. It is impossible without God, but an absolute blessing with and because of His love. Our family is a story of God’s mercy and generosity, His forgiveness and sense of humour. It is a story still being written as we live and breathe.

I hope you will let God write your own marriage and family story with you.

With my prayers and great affection,

Mrs. Padolina

But when we talk about marriage and married life, we must begin by speaking clearly about the mutual love of husband and wife. Their pure and noble love is a sacred thing. As a priest, I bless it with all my heart (St. Josemaria Escriva, Christ is Passing By, Marriage: A Christian Vocation).