Hobson’s Choices
The hook title of this article presents an unreal “Hobson’s choice” for young, catholic women such as choosing between:
A rock or a hard place
The lesser of two evils
The devil and the deep blue sea
Here’s the main thrust of the opinions which follow: girls, women, ladies, you are not confronted with a Hobson’s choice, it is not settle or live/die alone.
Now, all you’re gonna get here are opinions, hopefully to engender good discussions, so disagree away, but, consider thinking about what is said here, especially if you are on the verge of settling for someone who checks only 14 of your 36 boxes. Why? Many reasons. Top of the list: if you marry Mr. 31% of your boxes, you are going to be with him for some time and, although the grace of the sacrament is powerful, it cannot check the other 69% of your boxes.
Lots of Men Gone
If you’re a young girl past a certain age and not married, “biological clock ticking”, you have to realize that, according to some studies and journal articles and whimsy pieces, in the last decades somewhere between 10 and 20 million men have left the organized Catholic Church. Many of these men had good reasons to leave. Note: “left the Organized Church” does not, in every case = left The Church.
Do whatever analysis or criticism of the numbers you want, the fact is a plethora of these gone men are young, unmarried, marriage-eligible, good men. However many there are and whatever general categories describe them, they are gone and any young lady looking for a husband will not find these guys in the pews, in the parish bubble, the parochial school sphere, or the diocesan galaxy.
Good Ones Left
Some of them are not gone totally, but, other than Mass on Sunday and the other minimal things one must do to be a catholic in good standing, they have nothing else to do with their parish, have no involvement in any “ministry,” nothing to do with organizations, or with people involved in the organized church, and they do not take part in things done in these arenas. Henceforth herein they are called a GOL, a Good One Left.
Many men, if they were A-list check-almost-all-boxes, attractive, healthy (in body and soul), masculine manly (in the true, biblical sense of manly), catholic husband material, they are no longer running around single. Their scarcity is due to individual effort by one of numerous young ladies who was hoping to be and now is a wife, and due to family and friends who discovered them for a favorite daughter, niece or cousin.
The End?
Is this the end of the story? Do you now have to will live and die alone, unloved?
At least every Sunday young women say “I believe” – in an all-powerful God. This is the God who loved each of you into existence and, with this divine creative love, maintains you in existence every moment and always will. He will always do what is divinely perfect for you. This includes helping you to seek a spouse who will be, with you, half of that new, unique married “two-one-flesh ‘person’ that is the both of you, a man who can accompany you here so they can get to heaven. And, as you are right now at this moment, as He made you, you are part of His glory, married or not.
So, back to the GOLs, good ones left, who have forsaken the organized church, the ones who still go to Mass, etc. The good news: there are a lot of them. But to repeat, they are not in the parish bubble.
Where Are the GOLs?
You say, “Okay, where are they and how do I know, when a GOL appears, that he’s for me?
My sincerest apologies. I cannot definitively answer your pleas but I can give you some ideas where some GOLs may be:
- Trade schools, vocational schools, short non-credit hands-on skills courses. For example places where they offer training and classes in: instrumentation, HVAC, welding, plumbing, computer programming, filtration, electrical technician and electrician, wind energy maintenance, avionics, robotics, construction, biomed equipment, etc. You go there and see what events, happenings, open-to-public things are going on; or you actually enroll in one of these courses. Worst case, for the rest of your life you can fix your toilet, speed up your computer, and put air in your tires.
- Military: Caveat, If at all possible go in as an officer. There are several options for becoming an officer: ROTC, either while an undergrad or – which is allowed – while in grad school, law school, medical school or in a school in 1. above. Most schools where ROTC is not offered on campus have agreements with ROTC units at nearby schools allowing cross enrollment. Plus: while enrolled in ROTC you get paid monthly.
- If you cannot do ROTC, another alternative is Officer Candidate School in the various services.
- A final option is you go in as a private or equivalent rank, but, before you take the oath of office you get a guarantee In writing of a specific job you will be trained for and then assigned to once you finish training. Whenever possible, attend Mass at a base chapel or a fort church.
- Corporate: Jobs in the field, jobs associated with manual work, hands-on training, working with things, real world stuff, as in 1. above. Also consider civilian jobs with the military working with or in support of military personnel. Enticement: there are U.S. military bases and forts in every state, and around the world with many civilians working there. Great user-friendly website: USA Jobs.
- Fishing, Hunting, Martial Arts, Shooting, Archery, and on and on.
- All the groups, seminars, classes, activities, etc. associated with learning and improving skills, competencies, and knowledge. Invariably, there are the before and after get togethers and happenings related to many of these activities.
There is no specific place where you can go next Saturday evening and meet a dozen GOLs. This is where the “I believe in God the Father almighty” comes in.
One Key Which Indicates a Possible Happy-Ever-After Man
If you consider all the time a happily married two-one-flesh person spends together on this earth, is there anything that stands out about many of them, something they do happily together? Put another way: how do those in a happy marriage spend their time? Can any of this help a young lady find a GOL? Is there something that can be experienced in a pre-marriage encounter, meeting, activity or relationship even remotely like what those happily married do regularly?
No it is NOT what you’re thinking.
Okay, let’s look at all the time two in a Sacramental Covenant Marriage (“ SCM”) spend together for their entire marriage – until death do them part, the different types of activities (good, moral) spent in that time, and which, if any, of these activities can provide a hint or a signpost for those not yet, but seeking to be, in an SCM.
Bear with me. The following exercise is on point. First, let’s delete the physical intimacy time within an SCM from the total time those involved in an SCM spend together. On average, this time, totalled and added up, is, combined, much less than a full day all year! Got that? Those in an SMC spend almost all their time together but not intimately.
Let’s try to discover something that may, morally and non-sinfully, be done and manifest itself in a pre-marriage encounter, meeting, or relationship and then, perhaps, in a moral pre-marriage relationship assist in the finding a GOL who is not simply one of several GOLs, but one with whom you can spend your life. [This something is not KFHB actions (kissy-face-huggy-body) with what you may think is a marriage prospect pre-SCM and the downside and dangers of these are discussed at very end of this article].
Watch happily married couples when they are together, who have been married for some time. Whatever is happening around them, they are good in each other’s company, at peace, happy. There is a joy about them that can be subtle, calm, or exuberant. It is for them as if there is no passage of time so long as they are experiencing their mutual joy.
Each of them is the catalyst to create and draw joy out of the other, sometimes in what appears to be endless smiles and laughter. And it does not matter where they are, or what they are doing, because this exuberant, alive, other-recognizing, other-directed joy embraces them and its glow lights everyone they are with.
Their joy, and their being joyful together, is infectious. You will see others come to be with them, to be near them, to interact with and talk to them, to enjoy others the way these two joy-filled married people do.
If you sense even the least spark of such joy in a GOL, do not ignore it. Joy in a person speaks volumes about so many things – and tells you that they are happy and that this happiness can be shared. For you seeking a GOL, this is particularly true if that spark begins when he sees you or you speak to him.
The joy you see in a GOL, the joy you experience in his presence, this joy can be a signpost because joy is of God and He wants you to be joy-filled.
You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand (Psalm 16:11).
Conclusion & Confession
Bless me, readers for I have tried to get your attention, say some things that appear outlandish, and used hyperbole to the max. It would suit me down to the ground if any of this helps you think about these things and contributes in any way to your happiness, now and for the rest of your life.
A Warning: The Dangers of Kissy-Face-Huggy-Body Intimacy Pre-SCM
Any of you seeking a GOL who has engaged in, or now is in, a KFHB relationship, particularly an intense one: this changes everything in looking for a GOL.
Nota bene note well: these changes have powerful, often overpowering and overwhelming effects in the sense that each K and each H produces a change in the brain resulting in the release of natural chemicals in the brain. These are powerful drugs like oxytocin and dopamine, both known as “bonding drugs” which bring real, intense pleasure to the persons involved in KFHB, the K or the H. After the brain gets the drugs, it gets a message; part of the message is: more of those drugs, please, pretty please, and then PLEASE! NOT LATER. RIGHT NOW!)’
The KFHB actions, especially repeated, turn into a want/desire for these naturally produced drugs; and circuits, pathways, connections, globs of purposeful neurons, whatever you want to call them, are formed in the brain, all of which = real world, in-your-brain bonds to the person being Ked or Hed, with similar things happening and bonds made in his brain, and this can become a true physical, emotional, chemical addiction. It will become difficult for a young lady thus influenced to make a good decision about the man involved in their KFHB actions.
Put another way, before any KFHB, there are deal killers, boxes not checked. For example, He wants to wait for children indefinitely while you both work full time . He controls conversations and interrupts you. He passes gas minimum twice an hour, loud. He insures your immediate family and your extended family do not get to learn about him, e.g. by ignoring your parents. When someone asks you a question, before you can answer, he answers for you, especially if anyone asks a question about the relationship between the two of you. He bathes once a month.
But once you enter KFHB mode with this man, with its AGAIN! NOW! powerful insistence, none of the unchecked boxes matter, the deal killers evaporate as if they never happened. There is only one deal and it is the two of you in KFHB mode. You have now decided to ignore all the deal killers.
Keep this warning in mind before you say,”I do”.
