Dear Mother Whose Oldest Child is Under 6

Pixabay-JoysOfMotherhood

Before I had kids, I would look at the children I knew and the students I taught and would comment about how they were badly behaved, spoiled, rude, etc because of their parents and their family life. When my oldest child was a baby, I dedicated myself entirely to her education, became a stay-at-home mom, read a lot of books and articles about creating family traditions, and a happy, holy environment.

What to my surprise when the qualities I admired in my child as a baby of being extroverted and fearless turned into defiance and unpredictability sometime around two-and-a-half or three years old. What to my surprise when my second child was born and I hit my first child for the first time when I lost my temper, something I had vowed never to do. What to my surprise when my third child was born and I was in a pit of despair, wondering why I had ever had kids in the first place if I was doing such a terrible job.

It’s Faith over Formula

Luckily, I ordered a book online in one of those middle-of-the-night moments of desperation while nursing, appropriately called Desperate by Sally Clarkson. I can say it changed my entire outlook on motherhood, parenting, family and personal walk with God. Since then, I have listened to many of Sally Clarkson’s podcasts, which have similar messages, and other inspiring authors, and hold fast to their words that encourage me, and not the parenting books (and especially well-meaning advice from family and friends) that only discourage.

One of the most important points that Sally Clarkson often repeats is “faith over formula”. There is not a magic formula for raising children, for correcting their errors and for forming them one way or another because they are human beings and not programmable computers. It is one of those incredibly important tasks that is divine, which requires doing the right thing with perseverance and obedience, without necessarily seeing results.

This principle helped me to stop focusing on the errors of my children and even of my husband, and solely on my own. My own spiritual formation, virtue, and prayer are number one. My husband, children, and other people in my life can be influenced only by my model and example.

It’s Not About Fitting In

What pains me most about raising small children is the humiliation of how others view me through my children. Before having children, I could be a fly on the wall. I could be shy and not express my opinion in a group and not feel vulnerable. With my children, especially if they are misbehaving (which, surprise, surprise, children 3-5 years old tend to do) I have to listen to friends tell me what type of punishment (“formula”) miraculously cured their child and why I should do the same. I have to listen to sports and music teachers say what my child “needs”. I have to listen to other teachers, even when they are older than 3-5 years old, telling me what is probably wrong with my family life. I have to listen to “friendly” elderly ladies in mass tell me they are making too much noise and really shouldn’t be coming to mass.

When I was teaching first graders and before I had kids of my own, I vividly remember an extremely well-behaved student who was loved by teachers and students alike. I remember thinking to myself, of course, my children will be like that and I can’t wait.

Now, I have to face my past, because I was not a perfect child with a perfect family and I also did not always fit into school, sports or music. I have to face my own insecurities, about what other parents with children of similar ages think and say about me and why their children might have good qualities my children don’t have. I thought I would be able to “fit in” to society and my children would have the idyllic, perfect childhood they would come to thank me for years to come for.

It’s About Brokenness and Belonging

With the Holy Spirit’s help through Sally Clarkson’s book and of course prayer and sacraments, I have come to see the true meaning of family. I am not here primarily to correct my children’s errors. Much less my husband’s errors. I am here to love them unconditionally. To give all of myself, in every aspect of my life, to make them feel a little bit of God’s love, who has true fatherly love. He loves us with mercy, despite our errors, before we correct our errors, and even if we make the same mistakes again and again. He loves a child with autism, with dyslexia, with Down Syndrome, who is the perfect student, who struggles with school, who misbehaves and defies authority. He loves a child who does not get a college degree or have a brilliant gift for math. He loves a child who is lost in life and turns to drugs even. Love is not just for the deserving.

Family is the place for experiencing love. School, sports, and music are like jobs for adults. They are not a place for receiving love and feeling belonging. They are places to perhaps give love, but certainly to perform and to be competitive. They are places that come and go.

Back to those Toddlers

I’m not sure if I should be giving this advice, because my oldest child is only six. Leila Lawler on her fabulous site likemotherlikedaughter.org says never trust parenting advice from someone unless their oldest child is at least ten and they have both daughters and sons. I still have four years to go.

I have learned something very valuable, though, which I feel most parents of toddlers don’t know and despair. They might even decide not to have more kids because of these feelings deep, down inside.

This is that kids (and spouses) are here to make us better and more virtuous people. Marriage is a way of personal sanctification. Kids are supposed to have problems and be badly behaved. They are human beings with lots of problems, just like us. Kids and spouses are not pets, just there to “make us happy” and provide company, as we sail through life doing only pleasurable and prestigious things.

Children ages 3-5 are undergoing a lot of physical and psychological growth. Their bad behavior can almost always be traced to being tired or hungry and yet they resist eating and sleeping. It is an endless cycle.

Mother

If you run away from challenges and difficulties in life, you will also probably be a negligent parent and run away from the education of your children. This is not addressed to those parents. You should worry more about your children’s problems because they reflect yours and you are probably not actively working on your own spiritual life.

This is addressed to those who are doing everything they can, putting in 101% and it all still seems to be going downhill.

In the world, you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world (John 16:33).

You did not choose to get married and have children, it is a vocation you were called you and you bravely accepted. God provides the rest. If you persevere and follow God obediently, you will be rewarded.

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9 thoughts on “Dear Mother Whose Oldest Child is Under 6”

  1. Pingback: Advice for Young People Graduating from High School - Catholic Stand

  2. Wonderful article Julie, once again. I think this epidemics has made it clear how much support we all need, and raising children should not be done in isolation. You are very brave to have such a big family, in a world that frowns upon that. And your husband is brave as well for that matter. Raising children is so hard, and it is made so much more enjoyable with faith. Keep it up!

    1. I address this to mothers, but it could be to parents instead! Although I do think dads tend to be more laid-back and positive about how parenting is going, to balance out women’s extreme concern. At least that’s how it is with us. Luckily, my children are blessed with the best dad in the world who is very present and playful. And he does help to calm my anxiety. Good point, dads are very important. This is written more from my perspective.

  3. Thank you, Julie, for sharing your experience and perspective. The “brokenness and belonging” section cut right through my clouded heart and gave me some desperately needed insight. My circumstances are quite different (married 24 years, no children, now helping to carefor my recently widowed mom), but your entire article spoke important truths to me. Thank you and God bless you and your family!

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  5. “Love is not just for the deserving.”
    In these early morning hours, this phrase went straight to my heart. Those early childhood years are a long-ago memory for me but I remember so well going from this perfect little girl to a teenager that gave me sleepless nights.
    But oh, how I loved her. Through it all. And then I lost her.
    But the memories and the love remained. Thanks for sharing a beautiful and thoughtful piece. Enjoy those babies – they grow up much too fast.

    1. Thank you for the beautiful and heart-breaking comment! I love how “the memories and love remain.” Makes me think of St Paul’s words that love is the greatest. God bless!

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