Considerations for the Merciful Work of Adoption

Before my wife and I were married, we both discerned that at least one of our children would be adopted.  We felt it was a calling that both of us shared before we met.

Family members and friends asked (and sometimes demanded) that we explain why we chose to adopt.  When we replied that it was a calling, many could not understand what that even meant.  We also tried explaining that adoption was part of our vocation.  This explanation  puzzled many as well.

After 20 years, I have become much better at explaining the calling to adopt.  It is a blessing for the parent as well as the child.

Parent, Not DNA

Being a true parent is not about DNA.  Fathers and mothers are teachers, providers, and role models.  Many may take the following phrasing as rude, but anyone can be a sperm or egg donor.  Parenting is a verb.  It takes time and commitment.

Consider St. Joseph, Christ’s earthly father.  He taught, provided, and led the Holy Family as Jesus matured to adulthood.  He was a parent to an adopted heavenly son.

I have heard many talk about the need to pass on their DNA, as if their DNA is somehow sacred and immaculate.  However, every family has an aunt or uncle that was in prison or is a low-watt bulb.  One does not just pass on his DNA.  One passes on all of his or her family genes.

Instead of looking at a child as DNA, look deeper for the soul created in the image of the Father.  When you can see the soul, the DNA no longer matters.

A True Work of Mercy

So much charity in our modern world is shallow.  It is, of course, worthwhile to organize a fundraiser or collect Toys at Christmas for the needy.  However, the hours these works of mercy require are just a few, here and there.  When you adopt a child you are all in, and you are all in for the rest of your life.

As Catholics, we believe in performing both corporal and spiritual works of mercy.  When a husband and wife adopt a child, they are feeding, clothing, and sheltering someone.  They  nurse the child when the child is sick, and, unfortunately, sometimes they must bury that child.

As a parent, one instructs, admonishes, and comforts the child as the child matures.  Parents must often bear tantrums patiently and forgive offenses.

Our adopted daughter is dark-skinned, and in her native country, was considered a peasant girl.  She would have grown up in a culture which had predetermined her to be of low potential.  When she matured, she would likely have worked in the fields, or at best, in some factory job.  Today, this beautiful child of God is beginning her PhD.

When adopting a child, one is taking on the burden of every corporal and spiritual work of mercy.  You are taking in a stranger and making them family.  You are all in.

Discernment

Regardless of my opinion, adoption is not for everyone.  This is something a married couple must discern in prayer, on their own.  What level of burden can your marriage handle?

When my family adopted, we were coached that it takes in general as many years as the child is old to adjust to his or her new family.  An 18 month-old will be three years of age before she adjusts.  A five-year-old will be 10 when the adjustment is complete.  A 10-year-old may move out of the house and be on their own before they adjust.  Can you and your spouse handle this?  Where is your limit?

Are you willing to take a special needs child, or will that break you or your spouse?  It is okay to say that a special needs child is too much.  There are countless healthy children in need of parents.

If you are willing to take a special needs child, what does that mean?  The most common special need is cleft lip and pallet.  Are you willing to go through plastic surgery and the post-surgery care?

However, a cleft lip and pallet are mild issues.  Many children have much greater needs.

Considerations

Are you willing to take a child that will need numerous operations to repair a congenital heart defect, or will that be too heart breaking for you?  Are you willing to take a child with a potentially cancerous birth mark across their face?  These are questions one must ask during discernment.

Unfortunately, many people have created labels and classes based on where people are from and what they look like.  You must discern your ability to adopt a child that others may see as a cross-cultural offense.

If you are white skinned and adopt a dark skinned child, will you be able to handle bigots of every skin color who will condemn you for polluting your people (whatever that means) or stealing a child from their heritage?  It is not a matter of if it will happen, it is matter of how often.  Can you handle this criticism, especially if it comes from your own family?

In today’s modern world, you can adopt an unborn child.  And perhaps as many as a million and a-half frozen embryos are waiting in a cryogenic limbo in need of mothers willing to not just adopt them but bear them as well.  My wife and I had never considered this until a friend of ours adopted an embryo and bore a healthy baby girl.

(Note that “What Should We Do with the Frozen Embryos?” is still an open question in the Church.)

For those discerning to adopt who are unmarried, the burdens are even greater as the child will not have either a feminine matriarch or masculine patriarch to guide them.  A single parent must consider how he or she will bridge that gap.

One Additional Burden

Children around the world both born and unborn are in desperate need of parents.  Those who have chosen adoption face an unseen psychological burden because this act is not the norm and counter cultural.

As an adoptive father, I’ve heard all of the following statements.

“Aren’t you man enough to father your own children?”
“Is your wife broken?”
“Is that the maid’s daughter?”
“I see you got Chinese takeout, or is she Mexican takeout?”
“Did you buy her on discount?
“Why would you want to raise somebody else’s kid?”
“You can tell she’s not smart by the shape of her cheeks.”
“She’ll make a good maid for you when she is older.”
“Have you taught her to speak English yet?”

Adoptive parents need thick skin.  Those who have chosen this path need acceptance more than affirmation and compliments.

The journey on a decision regarding adoption may be a difficult, but it is a journey worth considering.  The blessings of being adoptive parents are bountiful.