And a Talking Donkey…

When I was in the US over the summer, I spent time with one of my dearest Catholic friends. We’ve been friends for almost 30 years now and while we haven’t always been close, it is the fact of our religious beliefs that have drawn us nearer to each other over the years. It is really a very special friendship and one for which I am truly grateful.

While we were speaking one afternoon, my friend mentioned that she had completed the Bible in a Year podcast with Fr. Mike Schmitz. I don’t know that I had heard of the podcast before because, honestly, I’m not a podcast kind of person. My friend expressed how she had benefited from not only what Fr. Mike had said but the fact of faithfully listening to God’s word each and every day. Well, almost each and every day, sometimes she missed a day and had to double up. But the fact of completing 365 days of listening to the Bible is amazing, no matter the details! I know that these types of actions work on us in a way we cannot actually see and her words stayed with me on my return to Poland.

Recently, I decided to give Fr. Mike and his Bible in a Year podcast a shot. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about it, after all, I read the Bible every day. I also am an academic which sometimes is a hindrance when it comes to being open to the workings of the Holy Spirit. A critical mind is not a bad thing but it’s not always an advantage and can sometimes function as a blockage. So, I decided to give the podcast a listen.

One of the things that Fr. Mike said at the start is something that I fully agree with and had somehow forgotten. That God’s word should be proclaimed. It is one thing to read the Bible and quite another to listen to it. And I have read the entire Bible, not cover to cover, one passage after another, but throughout my years of study and prayer, I’ve covered the whole thing in one way or another.

I just finished the first 70 episodes of the podcast. I have to say that while I have a working knowledge of the Torah (which is what is being covered) I have forgotten so many things. In my Torah class at the seminary, we were told to read each of the books without interruption. I remember thinking at the time that it would be impossible because I had a four-year-old who ran me ragged on top of my job and my studies. I’m not sure how I managed to do it, but I completed the assigned task. Many blessed movings of the Spirit came from such an assignment but I think I must have missed a few things or maybe forgot, or, which is most likely, the things that speak to me now did not speak to me then.

I recently had a conversation with one of my friends who was in the class with me and is now a priest and asked him if he remembered some of this stuff. He laughed along with me as we both are continually surprised at how certain things at one reading just fly by without a thought and then later something grabs us that we’ve read 100 times. I guess that’s just how God works.

Every time I listen to one of Fr. Mike’s podcasts something catches me. In the Old Testament, especially the first books, the brokenness of families is evident as an almost integral part of human relations which has been with us from the start. Brother against brother. Death and violence. So many questions. But along with these are just strange and random passages or topics that pop up as the Bible goes on.

Today it was a talking donkey:

But now God’s anger flared up at him for going, and the angel of the LORD took up a position on the road as his adversary. As Balaam was riding along on his donkey, accompanied by two of his servants,the donkey saw the angel of the LORD standing in the road with sword drawn. The donkey turned off the road and went into the field, and Balaam beat the donkey to bring her back on the road.

Then the angel of the LORD stood in a narrow lane between vineyards with a stone wall on each side. When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD there, she pressed against the wall; and since she squeezed Balaam’s leg against the wall, he beat her again. Then the angel of the LORD again went ahead, and stood next in a passage so narrow that there was no room to move either to the right or to the left. When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD there, she lay down under Balaam. Balaam’s anger flared up and he beat the donkey with his stick.

Then the LORD opened the mouth of the donkey, and she asked Balaam, “What have I done to you that you beat me these three times?”

You have acted so willfully against me,” said Balaam to the donkey, “that if I only had a sword at hand, I would kill you here and now.

But the donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your donkey, on which you have always ridden until now? Have I been in the habit of treating you this way before?” “No,” he replied.

Then the LORD opened Balaam’s eyes, so that he saw the angel of the LORD standing on the road with sword drawn; and he knelt and bowed down to the ground (Numbers 22:22-40).

I think the strangest thing about the talking donkey (as Fr. Mike also points out) is that suddenly the donkey is talking and Balaam doesn’t seem to think anything of it. I’m sure if a donkey started talking to me it might just get my attention. But one can never be too sure of these things.

Anyway, what is the point of all this? A bit of back story is that the Balak king of Moab asked Balaam to curse the Israelites and God told Balaam not to do it. Then the king of Moab offered Balaam gifts and money and because Balaam was tempted by the money he returned to the Lord who allowed him to go off with the men of Moab, even though this was contrary to what God had told him from the start. There is a lot written about this so I won’t go into it here, but this story is such a reflection of a life that I felt compelled to write something about it.

I can be just like Balaam with his donkey. Something seemingly good comes my way and I ask God about it and he says, “No. Not for you.” Perhaps I accept that but then it comes my way again and I decide to pursue it or maybe things seem to be going my way and then suddenly they’re not. How often in life do I try to force my will and at each turn get angrier and angrier when it doesn’t go my way? I hope that I wouldn’t beat a donkey if I had one but who knows? I know that I’ve gotten so angry that I’ve yelled at my daughter when she did something she shouldn’t have. Then I justify my bad behavior by knowing that she did something wrong or didn’t listen to me. I can be so blinded by my anger that it takes a talking donkey to get my attention.

The question for me at such times is, why have I suddenly become unable to see the peril in my way? Why can I not look back and see that when, in the past, I have surrendered to God things have always come out ok? Even the times when I didn’t get what I wanted. I think Garth Brooks sang a song about thanking God for unanswered prayers. I know I have!

This past week several things went wrong (according to my perspective.) I was frustrated and even broke down and cried for a bit. It’s at these times that I have to question what is so much more important than my peace. Jesus says: “My peace I give you” (John 14:27). “Do not worry about your life” (Matthew 6:25). “My yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). “I am the way and the truth and the life” (John 14:6). And yet I continue to be disturbed.

I think it simply comes down to the inescapable fact of my inability to deeply and truly rely on God. To completely surrender to the present moment as being exactly as God wills it. Yes, bad things happen but can I be as Job says: “We accept good things from God; should we not accept evil?” (Job 2:10). Can I trustfully surrender to the moment and trust the outcome to God?

The answer is usually no, I can’t. But that is what the spiritual life is, time spent continually floundering in my own humanity and striving to surrender to God’s present moment. But how to go about doing this, especially when angry, agitated, fearful, or the like? The way I try to surrender is first to try and see where I am trying to control or manipulate outcomes, because if I can in fact manipulate or change things then I really don’t need God, because I’m doing it all on my own! Ah… when I see that I’m doing this I ask for God’s help. Then I ask myself what is my requirement for happiness. In these moments of anger or irritation, I really believe that if I get the thing I want I will be happy. The problem with this is that sometimes getting the thing I want does in fact bring me happiness! But as we all know this happiness is short-lived. I need to delve deep and seek that which will bring me ultimate happiness.

To be disturbed, to be angry is such a waste of energy and time. It cuts me off from the Spirit and focuses me more on myself and my little dreams and desires. Ultimately, being able to praise God in all situations is a goal worth striving for. I find, however, that it is a long road toward this place of praise in adversity and arguably, perhaps something that can only be obtained by grace, that is, a complete surrender that I cannot bring about on my own. Something akin to the moment Balaam’s eyes are opened and he sees the angel with the sword!

So, can I trust the donkey? Can I trust that I’m heading in the right direction? Can I simply thank God and say, “I don’t understand but help me to seek you in all things.” It is the seeking that brings me peace. It is the seeking that brings a shift in perception. It is the desire to rest in and surrender to God that will bring the happiness that I really want. And I can find it from time to time in a brief moment of surrender. For me, this type of living is brought about by practicing the practical aspects of my faith. Prayer, meditation, reflection, examination, and frequent reception of the Sacraments. Through this cooperation with the Divine, I can sometimes just trust that life is going as it should and that God really doesn’t need my help at this moment. And this is one of the gifts of listening to the word of God. Thank you, Fr. Mike and the Bible in a Year podcast.