The Spiritual Dynamic of Marriage

Melanie Jean Juneau

Do you find yourself waiting secretly for your knight in shining armour to whisk you off your feet so you can live happily ever after? Or for a wonderful woman to lift off your depression and sense of aimlessness?

Although we laugh at such ridiculous fantasies as the stuff of naïve, lovesick teenagers, we all must face the deep temptation within ourselves to seek out a future partner to fulfil all of our needs. We have been brainwashed by Hollywood’s romantic movies. The truth is, counter to what secular society would lead us to believe, only God can meet man’s core need for love. Countless marriages end up in divorce, because people have embraced the crazy notion that the person of their dreams will completely satisfy and fulfill them. This is a lie. Before I understood this reality, I spent years as a pitiful, innocent victim, crying my eyes out over my plight, married to an insensitive man.

Marriage: A Love That Is Real and True

My husband, Michael, and I have been married for 36 years and we are in love. Surprisingly, we really have become one, deeply in tune with each other’s spirits. Our tangible joy is inexplicable through secular eyes because from all outward appearances our life together has been a tough journey including poverty, nine kids, overwhelming chores on a small family farm and clinical depression. One priest gently consoled us by explaining that we have lived through “trials by fire”. Another friend, not given to dramatics, once pointed out to my adult children,“You do not realize it, but your parents have suffered deeply.”  As for me, I have a running joke on the typical marriage vow about for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. I say, “Well, we’ve seen worse, poorer and sickness and we are more than ready for better, richer and health.” Then I dissolve into gales of laughter.

If  I were to answer a question about the secret to staying married for decades,  I would say the first key we discovered to a successful marriage was found by accessing the grace in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. This grace is not hidden in some esoteric theology –  no, it is real! The power available in the sacrament is what kept us together through the rough years. As well, we both understood, beyond a doubt that God had brought us together. We never questioned this basic call from God, our vocation together, even during the dark years. The second key to success is a wicked sense of humour. When we could laugh at our foibles and not take ourselves too seriously, problems suddenly shrank and we gained perspective once again. Over dramatizing conflict in any relationship is deadly. This tactic is simply a bit of cognitive therapy, taking a step away from each conflict and looking at the big picture through the eyes of God. Surprisingly, my third key to the longevity of our marriage is suffering. Suffering was a gift that unified us, because it stripped away false pride and forced us to our knees in prayer.  Honest prayer lead both of us to self- knowledge, humility and compassion for  each other.

Marriage: A Selfless Love

Society does not prepare people for  marriage. As a newlywed, I wish someone had explained to me that in marriage, partners unwittingly irritate each other by pulling out each other’s darkness, while bringing their wounds to the surface. Once I understood this spiritual dynamic, I quit blaming my husband and pointing out his faults. Once I focused on myself rather than my husband, the Spirit of God could finally deal with my own sinfulness and need for healing. If I had thrown up my hands and divorced my spouse, chances are the second fellow would have turned out exactly the same. My sinfulness triggered my husband’s sinfulness. Period. I had to stop blaming and pointing out Michael’s failings if I wanted a great marriage. Instead of pointing out the grain of sand in his eye, I had to allow God to show me the log of faults in my own eye. God designed us so that only His love will fill the desperate desires of our hearts. Once I understood this truth, I could allow real love, respectful love, to grow between Michael and myself without making crushing demands on the poor guy to fulfill the role of God in my life.

Ironically when I quit demanding love from my husband, quit trying to control him, he was set free to love me in freedom and in truth, in the power of the Spirit of God. When I let go, God blessed me with more than I could ever have asked for in our marriage.

 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:7-8)

 “Love is not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong.” (1 Corinthians 13:5 )

 

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9 thoughts on “The Spiritual Dynamic of Marriage”

    1. melanie jean juneau

      I will always remember your comment with delight that this article is non saccharine

    2. I fraternally corrected two priests in my lifetime in the rectory for neglecting all severity in their sermons after enduring years of their verbal rococo pictures of life from the pulpit. In both cases I was lucky to escape with my life :)….apparently Pope Francis’ “dialogue” is not always a stream that flows gently….and one should consider level three body armor just in case smiling pulpit priests have a different side in private and live in a concealed carry state.

  1. Pingback: 10 Hilarious (or Embarrassing) Nativity Sets - BigPulpit.com

  2. melanie jean juneau

    Yes, our children assimilate unspoken attitudes by osmosis. My adult kids often surprise me by articulating or living out values which I did not express verbally

  3. Melanie, thank you for this beautiful and much needed article. Marriage, of course, is about love. It may start out in the lovely romantic can’t keep your hands off each love, and that is great, a wonderful gift form God. I, too, have been married a long time and along with you and your husband we know beyond any shred of doubt that we are meant to be together.

    Suffering is much underrated, isn’t it? It is only through suffering that we can know ourselves and know our spouse. It cleans away whatever nonsense we thought matters to reveal something sturdier, better, more beautiful. Our children will learn what we teach them about such things, and hopefully, one day, will see their obstacles as gifts to reveal something better and true.

    The great sacrament of marriage is played out every day in things small and great, from getting the coffee to enduring illness and financial setbacks and all the uncountable acts of love we perform each day.
    .

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