Friendship for Husbands and Wives

I recently read an article over at RealClearReligion, in which author Mark Judge asserted that husbands and wives ought not expect to be, or function as, best friends.  Judge’s views are attributed to Edward Sellner’s work on the subject, based upon the old Jungian concept of “the double”.  Sellner includes this quote in a recent book he wrote on the subject:

“Every man and woman — whether one is straight or gay — carries within his or her soul this psychic pattern, expressed in the need for same-sex relationships of love, tenderness, intimacy, and joy.”

Interesting, right?  Maybe it’s the former Psychology major in me, but I think it really is.

Friendship “Overburdening” Spouses?

Judge sees little room or space, though, for a man’s “double”, or close male confidant, in modern Western culture.  He then goes on to argue that “today we have spouses who are emotionally and spiritually overburdened because they become each other’s sole support system.”

My initial reaction to the article — based on title alone — was admittedly defensive.  I thought, who is he to say my husband can’t be my best friend?  Aren’t marriage relationships and personalities unique, and can’t couples be close if they want to be?

Dr. Popcack even wrote a rebuttal over on Patheos, pointing to what I think is the danger in taking Judge’s position too far.  He expresses my sentiments perfectly when he writes, “Marriage is the foundational unit of the family and family is the basic unit of civilization.  If you get marriage wrong, you get everything wrong.”  (Emphasis mine.)

And so in that sense, doubles be darned; if things aren’t good at home, then not much else is going to be good.  The marriage relationship is the most important earthly relationship for a married couple, and therefore the one in which we should invest the most time and care,  especially if we have children. There will be significant responsibilities and considerations at home, ones that might preclude a weekly night out or afternoon on the basketball court with the guys.

Wives need emotional and physical support from their husbands.  Mothers need present fathers who are about the daily, hands-on work of loving, training, and knowing their children.  The best way to achieve unity, and hopefully some level of happiness in the home, is for husbands and wives to be close, true, faithful friends.

Sharing the Journey with Friends

But I would contend that Mark Judge, Edward Sellner, and  Dr. Popcack are actually all correct in their respective estimations of marriage and friendship.  Because best friends or not, husbands and wives can’t do life alone.

In spite of being a classic introvert, I’ll admit it: I need friends!  I need my people!  I assume you know what I’m talking about.  That handful of friends that you tell all your secrets to and spend lots of time laughing with, and with whom you can be yourself.  I don’t have siblings but, growing up, I never really missed not having them around — probably in part because I had such close friends to share shenanigans and Friday nights with.

Things change a little when you become an adult, of course.  Sometimes friendships are harder to come by or make time for.  We have definitely had seasons in our marriage where we did not spend a lot of time with friends.

My husband was offered a great job right out of college; and so we moved away to beautiful Santa Barbara for a year upon getting married.  As much fun as we had as newlyweds, eating out and seeing movies and sleeping in and strolling State Street, we didn’t have any friends nearby.  Nor did we make any.  We were lonely.  We moved back a year after we’d arrived.

So I’d say that overall, we married folks are happiest when we share the journey with other people. 

And happy, fulfilled married folks make for better spouses!  A positive, optimistic outlook on life is naturally going to allow for a more easygoing, forgiving, relaxed marriage.

My Friend, My Husband

The reason I felt a little uneasy about the original article’s assertion is, I suspect, simply because my husband and I are very close friends.  We spend a lot of time together, are equally invested partners in the domestic work of raising a family, and he knows everything about me.  We talk a lot.  We support one another.

It’s obviously different from a friendship with a girlfriend, but it is my most important relationship.  I honestly don’t feel like there are things I can’t tell or share with him, that must be reserved for other women only for fear of burdening or boring him.  And I’d say that historically, one of the strengths of our marriage is that  we communicate constantly.  We are settled and comfortable in our interactions.  It is, I think, healthy.

From the time we began dating, my husband and I were friends.  I was 19 and he 20, then.  We spent Thanksgiving together very early on, and he met my parents and friends; someone baked a pumpkin pie without sugar in it, and we have remembered and laughed about this around the table every Thanksgiving since.

We used to grocery shop together late at night, and I’d make fun of him for filling his cart with things like cheap soda and Budget Gourmet meals.  We’d spend time reading the Bible and discussing theology — I told him once that it was fine with me that he was raised a Lutheran and still identified with some of the historical Christian beliefs, but that I’d never be one of those weird people that baptizes their baby.  (Cough.)  We would play Tetris for hours on end on the old NES and laugh hysterically at Seinfeld reruns, and hike to the top of Bishop’s Peak.

And of course it was romantic love, too.  Though neither of us told the other at the time, we both knew very early on that we wanted to wind up married.  Then he bought me a ring and proposed on the beach and wrote me a song.  Once engaged we began openly and eagerly planning and dreaming for our future.

But friendship was at the core of our relationship.  Always.  And we are, dare I say, best friends.

Faith and Life Lived in Community

My priest called me yesterday to ask if our family would prepare something to say at an upcoming event, about what blessings we’ve received by being a part of our parish.  When I asked him how long the remarks should be, he said three to five minutes.  And it’s funny because I’m fairly certain we could fill three to five hours—easily—with the joy and beauty of what we have found and experienced there.  Our home is so full of dear friends on special occasions, and my children have such wonderful buddies.  There is no shortage of delightful couples on our “to have over for dinner” list and I’m always up for time with a girlfriend.

It cannot be said then that we are lacking for true, authentic friends.  We spend time together and visit one another’s homes.  We laugh, cry, and pray.

And it is, without a doubt, a tremendous blessing. Not only to my husband and me, respectively, but also to our marriage.

It is important to know we are not alone.  To walk alongside other people from whom we can draw strength, support and inspiration.  It is good for our children to see faith and life lived in community, to see that our family is part of a much larger family, and that we are called to love.

So can husbands and wives be best friends?  Well yes, yes they can.  In fact, I’d implore anyone contemplating marriage to be sure they’re marrying someone with whom exists a good, close, solid friendship.

But I would also caution against becoming an island, of being so “busy” that leisure and the simple joy of friendship are buried beneath the crushing weight of work and duty.  We need more men and women to say through word and deed that “I have time and space for you, because I value you.”  We need more parents modeling openness to others to their children.  We need mothers and fathers — desperately — to recover the idea of having fun, letting go, and enjoying life.

This need is at least partly met, I suspect, through the intimacy and comfort of extra-marital friendships.

Last Sunday night my husband and I got together, somewhat spontaneously, with several friends to watch the Broncos game — of course a most hallowed event in our neck of the Colorado woods.  I don’t much like football, but I love my people. As far as I’m concerned,  a game is merely an excuse to eat yummy food, hold sweet newborns, and have good conversation.  That particular evening was no exception, and after we’d left we reflected on how we know such great people, and how blessed we are to be in a season with such dear friendships.

It is, both literally and figuratively, good for our married souls.