“Do not let the shadows of your past darken the footsteps of your future. Forgive and forget.” – Anonymous
Every time a person wrongs you, your friends, your family, your church, the Bible, and anybody else who knows the word ‘forgiveness’ will immediately advise you to forgive the offender. No matter how deeply you feel about the offense, you are always told to forgive and forget and move on with your life.
The call to forgive the one who has wronged you becomes very loud and it will even have an echo, but how often are we told to forgive ourselves? How much emphasis is being put on self-forgiveness? How often do people tell you, “Forgive the one who has wronged you, and do not forget to forgive yourself”?
What is Self-Forgiveness?
According to philosophical writings, self-forgiveness is a way of reinstating one`s self-respect and self-trust. According to psychological teachings, self-forgiveness is a personal journey of healing that an individual undertakes; they move from a state of hostility to a state of feeling comfortable with themselves.
Self-forgiveness is generally considered as a concept similar to relational forgiveness meant for the self. It is an inclination to let go of self-resentment while developing love, generosity, and compassion toward the self. Forgiving oneself is again a sequence of intellectual changes that progressively reduce self-condemnation, stops punishment against the self and leads an individual to be compassionate towards him or herself. In addition, self-forgiveness is considered as a coping mechanism when a person is grieving; it is also seen as a psychological way of getting rid of shame and stimulating positive self-esteem.
Self-Forgiveness in the Bible
There are two verses in the Bible that might be referring to self-forgiveness in an ambiguous manner. The first verse is in Ephesians 4:32
[And] be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.
The second verse is in Colossians 3:13
Bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do.
Criticism has surfaced against the concept of self-forgiveness because there is no clear mention of it in the Bible; however, it can be traced in the ambiguity of the Scriptures. Self-forgiveness is not about absolving oneself, it about being kind to and not condemning yourself after experiencing a situation in which you failed to be wiser. After committing serious offenses, people may never fully free themselves from all feelings of remorse or regret. However, once there has been earnest self-examination and serious attempts to right wrongs, releasing negative emotion can free people to move past the offense and integrate it into their lives.
A self-compassionate stance, along with a willingness to receive forgiveness from God or others, may help to provide relief from shame and feelings of self-condemnation. It could be difficult for people to find redemptive aspects of their motives if they have labeled their behavior as bad or sinful and tried to rid themselves of it without closer examination.
St. Thomas Aquinas once said, “In the life of the body a man is sometimes sick, and unless he takes medicine, he will die. Even so, in the spiritual life, a man is sick on account of sin. For that reason, he needs medicine so that he may be restored to health, and this grace is bestowed in the Sacrament of Penance.”
When Psychology Meets Christianity
The term “another” not only refers to the other people around you, it also refers to your other self, which is the alter ego. In terms of forgiveness, the conscious self has to bear with the unconscious self, forgiving and being tenderhearted towards that self who is the subconscious. Many of us have landed into trouble because we failed to listen to our subconscious; it is, therefore, important to learn to forgive ourselves so that we may not lose confidence in our abilities to make sound decisions.
The term “alter ego” is a Latin term that means “Other I” or ‘an alternative personality’. In the 1st century Rome, Cicero invented the phrase as part of his philosophic hypothesis, but he defined it as “a second self, a trusted friend”. In the 18th century, Anton Mesmer and his followers brought the concept of the “another self” when they utilized hypnosis to isolate the alter ego. These experimentations revealed behavioral patterns that were different from the individual`s personality in the state of consciousness in comparison to when he was hypnotized. The person had, in the same body developed a different character in the adjusted state of consciousness.
According to the American Psychological Association dictionary, alter ego is termed as “a second identity or aspect of a person that exists metaphorically as his or her substitute or representative, with different characteristics.”
Why is it Important for One to Forgive Themselves?
Self-forgiveness helps a person who is struggling with negative emotions such as self-hatred, self-condemnation, self-anger, shame, and guilt towards the self to attract more forgiveness. Being compassionate towards oneself, reconciling with self, and welcoming oneself back into society is not an easy thing to do but it needs to be done for the sake of having healthy individuals in the community. Secondly, charity begins at home – an individual has to reconcile with him or herself before reconciling with the other person. Self-forgiving people build healthy relationships with themselves and other people, develop healthy attitudes, and their mental health is balanced.
How to Forgive Yourself
Self-forgiveness is about four things – it is about responsibility, remorse, restoration, and renewal.
Accepting or Taking Responsibility: For a person to begin with forgiving himself or herself they have to make peace with what has happened to them.
Expressing Remorse: A person should allow himself or herself to feel guilty. When one feels guilty, it shows that they are taking responsibility for what has transpired in their lives.
Restoring Trust: Restoring trust in yourself is very important. A person has to go back to having confidence in himself or herself so that self-doubt is eliminated.
Focusing on Renewal: For a person to renew the faith in himself or herself he or she has to establish a supportive and positive attitude, the person has to continue learning from the mistakes they made, he or she has to nurture a self-belief that is positive, and they have to control the inner dialogue – be kind to yourself.
Literature
Since the concept of self-forgiveness is not emphasized much whoever wants to embark on the journey of forgiving themselves can use the following books as guides:
- Handbook of the Psychology of Self-Forgiveness by Lydia Woodyatt, Everett L. Worthington, Jr., Michael Wenzel, and Brandon J. Griffin
- Radical Self-Forgiveness: The Direct Path to True Self-Acceptance by Colin Tipping
- Moving Forward: Six Steps to Forgiving Yourself and Breaking Free from the Past by Everett L. Worthington Jr.
- How to Forgive Yourself and Others (Newly Revised and Expanded): Steps to Reconciliation by
- Forgiveness: A Catholic Approach by R. Scott Hurd
- Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst
- Forgiving Yourself: A Step-By-Step Guide to Making Peace with Your Mistakes and Getting on with Your Life by
13 thoughts on “The Unpopular Concept of Self-Forgiveness”
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Kyle: Vatican II, in Dei Verbum 21 does say: “Therefore, like the Christian religion itself, all the preaching of the Church must be nourished and regulated by Sacred Scripture.”
Laurika Nxumalo: It is true that when a person is a Christian their Christianity is found in all parts of their lives; but not everything that they do and believe is Christian. The Spirit may be in a person at all times, but they are not always doing things that are religious.
That sounds like a very rigid stance. Just because something isn’t found in scripture, doesn’t mean that it isn’t Christian. I can’t think of anything more Christian than forgiveness.
Plus, I thought as Catholics we were taught that there is more to Christianity than scripture? Or should we throw out all of the Catholic teachings that don’t have a scriptural basis?
There’s a huge difference between spirituality and religion.
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This is a fantastic piece that addresses a topic that is too often overlooked. Learning to forgive yourself for failures and sins is essential. In the church setting, we are sometimes conditioned to blame ourselves for sin and hold onto that blame. Jesus might forgive us, but we are taught that we’re still damaged. The example I’ve heard is that sin is like driving a nail into a board. Getting forgiveness from God is like pulling the nail out, but the sin leaves a hole. It is vital to learn to forgive ourselves to fill that hole back up. This is something that took me far too long to learn. I appreciate this article, and I wish I would’ve read it years ago!
Thank you very much
All individuals have authority over their own selves and bodies and thus they are free to use both imprecatory prayers (directly commanding demons to leave) and deprecatory prayers (prayers directed to God to cast out the demons).
In accordance with natural law, the laity have authority over their own selves, their spouses and their children. In these cases, they have the authority to use imprecatory prayers.
What does imprecatory prayers have to do with self-forgiveness?
https://spiritualdirection.com/2021/07/12/the-exorcist-diaries-part-2
Video at 22:20
If the concept of self-forgiveness is ambiguous or absent from Scripture it should not be presented as part of Christianity. It is sufficient to present it as current psychology.
Scripture has its own teaching on arriving at contentment in life. See 1Peter 5:5-7, Philippians 4:6-7, Proverbs 3:5, Psalms 37:7, 55:22, Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 26:3-4, 55:7-9, and Galatians 5:22-23.
You’ve got it all wrong… When a person is a Christian their Christianity is found in all parts of their lives.