The Big Deal That is Marriage

It is interesting the small things which can cut through the monopoly of our own thoughts: an unexpected hello from a stranger on the street, a sympathetic smile from someone in the same line at a really slow store checkout, a casual comment accidentally overheard in passing.

“Yeah, marriage really isn’t that big a deal anymore.”

What was striking for me was not so much the statement, but the naturalness of the speaker’s tone. It belied the seriousness of what had just been said. After all, how could something which, God Himself has authored, not be a “big deal”? This is especially important for those who have made a decision to commit themselves to each other in the holy sacrament of marriage. One young man, whom I have known for nearly twenty years, will be in the biggest intimate deal of his life thus far in a few days. What follows is a heartfelt missive to one who is like another son to me on the occasion of his upcoming marriage.

My Dear Young Man,

It feels funny to address you as such – a man. Make no mistake: you certainly look the part of one. Yet, my memories of you and your family, for whom we have incredible affection, necessarily bring up images of an energetic, ginger-haired boy with a twinkle in his eyes and an incredible love of hockey. To be sure, the energy, the hair and the twinkle in your eyes are still there, but as much as hockey means a lot to you, your heart has been captured by your bride-to-be. This is not fate, luck or happenstance. It is God Himself Who calls you to marriage: this is your vocation.

A Generous Love

We are so happy for you and whether you realize it or not, you and your beloved are a sign of hope. It is not easy to hear and see what the world thinks of marriage and commitment these days. For many, it has gone the way of the dodo bird: all heaviness and bulk, no flight and non-existent. Yet, I am here to remind you of what you must already know in your heart: a good and loving marriage is possible and real. You only need to look to the living example of your own parents. How blessed you are to have had a front-row seat to their joy, selfless love, and generosity! It has made all the difference in their own marriage, your family, and your life.

The Lord’s calling — vocation — always presents itself like this: “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”

Yes: a vocation demands self-denial, sacrifice. But how pleasant that sacrifice turns out to be — gaudium cum pace, joy and peace — if that self-giving is complete! (St. Josemaria Escriva, point 8, Generosity, Furrow).

The Little Things

In the practice of your trade, you know how crucial it is to pay attention to the details. If one is off in a measurement or the placement of a component, it can lead to bigger mistakes and potentially irreparable damage. It is the same in real life and certainly in marriage. Different people like different things and have varied needs and wants, but every single person needs and wants to be loved. From the moment you say, “I do”, your wife-to-be will be your first priority, second only to God, Who wants you to love her as He loves His bride, the Church.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish (Eph 5:25-27).

What do little things mean? They could be anything at all that responds to a need she has: a hand in washing dishes, a coffee or tea first thing in the morning, a hug even when you are tired, your attention even if it is game 7 of the Stanley Cup final featuring the Maple Leafs on TV. Little sacrifices, without counting the cost, because what really counts is not dollars and cents but the intangible made tangible for the one you love.

Three Things

Those little things include three keywords which will serve you well in your married life: please, thank you, and sorry. It was Pope Francis who gave this advice, saying that these words “can help to live married life because in married life there are difficulties,” adding that marriage is something we have to take care of, “because it’s forever.” Forever always begins with a day and marriage is worth the effort of every day.

Always ask with love: we engage with loving humility, not command with authority or arrogance. Take nothing for granted. Give without reserve. Be quick to say sorry and mean it. Be quicker to forgive and really mean it. There is no room in any marriage for grudges or coldness, resentment or indifference. It is not true that love means never having to say you’re sorry. Love means being sorry for any offense and hurt we have caused and choosing to forgive without any need for self-righteousness.

The Impossible

I pray that you take to heart the vows you exchange on your wedding day. It is not a “deal” in the sense of a business transaction – I know you know this. It is possible to forget this when we hear all around us about being “equal in everything” and “50-50” and how this or that is not fair. These days, we hear people talking about their partners. As husband and wife, you are more than just partners.

For the good of the spouses and their off-springs as well as of society, the existence of the sacred bond no longer depends on human decisions alone. For, God Himself is the author of matrimony, endowed as it is with various benefits and purposes (Pope Paul VI, Pastoral Constitution of the Modern World, Gaudium et Spes, point 48).

Yours will be a sacred union in which God Himself is present and made visible through the love you have for each other. If this all sounds mind-blowingly impossible and just so overwhelming – take heart and know that this is not all on you. As the Archangel Gabriel told Mary during the Annunciation, “For with God nothing will be impossible.” The sacrament of matrimony grants the married couple special graces they will need and should count on in their life together.

By reason of their state in life and of their order, [Christian spouses] have their own special gifts in the People of God.” This grace proper to the sacrament of Matrimony is intended to perfect the couple’s love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity. By this grace they “help one another to attain holiness in their married life and in welcoming and educating their children (Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 1641).

One for All and All for One

You are very kind to still be reading this – this unsolicited advice is given with great love, joy, and hope. You are a sign of that hope. In truth, there is likely very little you have read here which you did not already know or at least would have heard at some point in your life as a faithful young Catholic man.

But the beauty of our faith is in the witness we give to each other of the love our Father God bears for all of us, whether we realize it or not. His love is unearned and undeserved and yet – here we are. We are witnesses to the innumerable blessings God has given us in our marriage and family.

Our faith also calls us to live in communion with one another, praying for each other and bringing those around us closer to God. You are like a son to me and what I have written here is what I would tell any of my children.

Count on our prayers as you enter this new stage in your life of marriage and family with your beloved. It really is a big and wonderful deal!

With the greatest affection and many prayers,

Mrs. Padolina