Supporting Marriages in Crisis

“To every thing there is a season,” as King Solomon wrote long ago. It seems like this is the season of discontent for many of the couples in my life. It’s not just my community getting hit with the divorce-bug either. I’m hearing from friends, family members, and casual acquaintances across the country that their marriages or the marriages of their friends are struggling.

Not all marriages are struggling, of course! And those of us who aren’t in crisis are often left looking at our friends and wondering how we can help them. It’s not easy, every marriage is very different and we can feel really uncomfortable reaching out to our struggling friends. Part of the problem for many of us, is that advice and support have been professionalized. Everyone says, if you’re not a professional therapist, don’t give advice, but that’s so damaging and limiting. We give our friends advice on everything, and because we actually know and love our friends – I would say our advice is more valuable than advice we’ve had to pay for.

But finding balanced, sustainable ways to support friends in struggling or failing marriages can feel incredibly challenging. Don’t worry, it really isn’t. At its heart, walking through a marriage crisis with your friend is just like walking through the rest of life with that friend, it’s just another phase of life that the two of you share.

Stay Close

Your friend is going through a lot right now. He might not be able to do as much, and honestly, his company might not be as fun for you as it has been. But don’t be distant! Don’t shut him out simply because he’s not able to be as present and giving in your friendship as he used to be.

Maybe he’s trying to do it all at home to keep some semblance of normalcy to his kids, or maybe he’s going to counseling appointments to keep the lines of conversation open. Maybe he’s just working a lot or spending too much time playing video games to distract from the pain of his daily life. Whatever the reason, don’t expect too much from your struggling friend. But make a serious effort to avoid putting distance between the two of you during this time.

Whatever the cause of your friend’s marriage struggles, he needs his friends to love him through the crisis and be a constant in his life.

Keep Praying

Pray for your friends and your friends’ marriages, especially through times of crisis. Entrust them to St. Joseph, St. Jude, Our Lady, and Abraham and Sarah. If your friend would like a prayer group or a particular devotion, help make that happen for him.

Try fasting for your friend’s marriage, or for his emotional health during the breakdown of his marriage. Don’t be afraid to pray with and for your friend. Also, don’t be afraid to encourage your friend to head to confession regularly.

When a marriage is in crisis, it’s good to make more time for confession. Encourage your friend to find a regular confessor and set an appointment, so he can have plenty of time to work through things.

Set Boundaries

This one can be really hard, especially if you feel like your friend is the victim in the relationship. Even if your friend is hurting and has legitimate needs for your time and attention, sometimes you do have to set limits.

When we’re hurting, we don’t always realize just how demanding we can get. Going to, or heading toward a divorce can bring out the self-indulgence in some really good people. They don’t often realize just how entitled they’re becoming either. It’s a defense mechanism, and it’s comforting for them to remember that their friends are there for them. But you’ve got a homelife as well. Whether you’re married or single, you have limits as to what you can give. Be honest about those limits and be clear that setting boundaries is an act of love, not rejection.

Listen

Venting is completely normal. Of course a friend experiencing a marital crisis is going to vent. That’s healthy. In fact, it’s essential for most people to have someone they can vent to about their spouse – someone they can trust to understand that “venting” doesn’t mean “tearing down” and that frustration doesn’t mean dissatisfaction.

Now, a friend in a marriage crisis may be incredibly dissatisfied. He may be frustrated, hurt, dissatisfied, brokenhearted, and lonely. He may also be bitter. He may want to tear down his spouse to you. Depending on the situation, it might be better for you to just listen to that bitterness while it works itself out. Or it might be better to redirect the conversation. It might even be best to defend the other spouse. If you’re not sure, just listen for a while. Pray and pay attention.

Don’t Be Afraid to Give Advice

You’re not a therapist. That’s good! Your friend needs you, not therapy. He needs friendship and love and companionship from you. If he also needs professional help, that’s fine, but professional help doesn’t exclude real, intimate loving friendship. People can thrive without therapy, they can’t thrive without friendship. Be the friend you’d want in this situation. Give all the advice you want to and trust your friend to weed through it, just as he weeded through all your dating, financial, parenting, and faith advice.

Don’t be afraid to give advice. But listen if your friend asks you to stop talking and just listen. Remember to make sure that all of your advice is grounded in a Sacramental view of marriage. Encourage your friend, no matter what legal steps he may have to take to protect himself and his children in serious cases, to continue in fidelity to his marriage vows and work toward reconciliation. “Spouses who with God’s grace give this witness, often in very difficult conditions, deserve the gratitude and support of the ecclesial community” (CCC 1648).

The Season of Crisis

To everything there is a season. Some seasons are beautiful and delightful, others are painful. But all of them are part of the cycle of friendship and life. One of the greatest joys of the Gospels is reading Christ’s companionship with His friends. They walk through the world together, talk, laugh, and cry together.

When your friend is in crisis, when his vocation is crumbling around him, having a friend beside him is essential to his spiritual health. Offer your prayers, your love, and your advice – be there beside him as he walks this painful road. And encourage him to live out his vows in the challenging times as well as the easy ones.

Most importantly, don’t wait for your friend’s marriage to be in crisis before supporting him and it with your prayers, friendship, and advice. Too often, we take the relationships within our community for granted until they start to crumble. But if we take the time to lift up healthy marriages in prayer as well the struggling ones, our community will be healthier overall.