Prayer as Punishment?

Before I explain my thoughts on why prayer should not be used as a punishment for children, first I need to explain what I specifically mean by punishment. I do not mean teaching children to pray, having scheduled family prayer times, or emphasizing the importance of prayer in their lives. I mean specifically ordering them to pray because they have misbehaved.

The classic example of this is a cranky religious sister teacher who gives her students three Hail Marys if they act out in class. Though hopefully teachers and parents alike are always striving to be patient, the basic principle of prayer as punishment does not seem good or helpful to me in any instance. Here are the reasons why.

Prayer as Punishment Detracts From Real Prayer

If children view prayer only as something they are forced to do if they misbehave, they won’t learn that commune with God and the saints are meant to be savored in the same way as communication with earthly friends. They will begin to perceive it as more of a chore, something to be ended quickly like all punishments.

They Will Associate Prayer with Negative Experiences 

If a child has misbehaved and an annoyed parent or teacher makes him recite prayers, he could begin to associate prayer with negative feelings, like sadness or anger. Though everyone knows kids are normal, imperfect human beings, and obviously they’re going to misbehave sometimes, is it really wise to tell little Johnny that he must pray a decade of the rosary because he embarrassed his mother?

Maybe he didn’t mean to embarrass her, or maybe, like a lot of kids, he’s tired and needs a nap. Even if Johnny did disobey deliberately and maliciously, he will still resent having to pray for his misbehavior.

Admittedly, based on my work with kids, I would say that they tend to resent any punishment no matter what it is, but I would also say it’s more important that Johnny not resent the rosary than he not resent something like an evening without TV.

It Creates a Pattern of Insincerity

If Johnny is told he has to say a certain number of Hail Marys before he can go out and play, if he’s like most kids I know, he’ll want to get the prayers over with as quickly as possible. This could in turn teach him that rote recitation is enough, and that prayer need not always mean something. While we adults know that prayer can oftentimes feel like a chore in spite of a sincere spirit, and it’s good if we practice the discipline to persevere in that prayer, it is definitely best if that difficult prayer is still our free choice. Furthermore, I have heard it said that the quantity of prayers is not nearly as important as the fervor with which they are said. Better to lead Johnny in praying well and with love than to make him pray “to teach him a lesson.” He may instead learn the lesson that prayer is unpleasant and to be avoided.

A Refutation

But wait, a parent could argue,” My child says prayers for his sins when he goes to confession,why shouldn’t I also tell him to say prayers?” My answer to that is this: in my experience, even when it’s the parent who initiates the trip to confession when children are ready to confess their wrongdoings to a priest, they are by then truly sorry for them—after all, the children are going to the personal trouble of asking God’s forgiveness. That’s not so easy, especially when you’re a kid. In other words, though the priest himself dictates what kind of penance is to be done, by entering the confessional, the child has already chosen the obligation of that penance for himself. If the parents force the child to pray, rather than presenting it as something he should want to do out of love, he may resent the thought of repentance entirely, since he already acted sorry when he wasn’t.

What to do Instead

Before I make my suggestion, I want to add the caveat that I am not a parent, though, having worked at a school, I do know something about kids, but probably less than those of you who have kids of your own. That being said, it is my opinion. If your kid misbehaves, don’t make him blandly recite prayers like a robot. Punish him in another way that seems fit to you, like taking away TV or dessert. Then, in addition, you could suggest he pray to God for forgiveness, and, if he’s of the age of reason, take him to confession.

Outright forcing children to pray is a bad idea—better that he himself initiates the prayer. To parents reading this, I would like to know—what forms of punishment have been most successful for you and your children? Let me know in the comments.