Marriage Wisdom from St. John Chrysostom

It’s Lent, my friends! The west wind is blowing cold against my little homestead. Inside, children and dogs curl up on thick sheepskins and sip hot tea while I bustle around the house trying to make the home give up its clutter as I’ve given up my festal foods. I love Lent. No other season feels so completely like a step into monastic life. No other season offers so much quiet, so much consistency, so many opportunities for unexpected joys. The wind blowing and the cold creeping under the door only serve to underline the magic of this new season.

My wedding anniversary usually falls in the Lenten season. This year, it’s in the heart of Holy Week. We love the variety of anniversaries we have because of our late-March wedding date. Sometimes it’s in the middle of Lent, sometimes it’s during Holy Week, other times (rarely) our anniversary is during Easter Week. That variety gives us an opportunity to celebrate in different ways and to really see how central Christ is to our marriage.

As I’m beginning my favorite season of the Church year, Lent, I’m also getting ready for my Lenten anniversary and celebrating the feast of St. Valentine, the patron of lovers. Because of that, I’m taking time to read marriage advice from my favorite dispenser of marital advice, St. John Chrysostom.

Meeting St. John Chrysostom

The stunning preacher and archbishop of Constantinople, John Chrysostom (c. 347–407) was famous for his preaching. That’s actually how he got the title “Chrysostom,” meaning “golden-mouthed” in Greek. His preaching was so beautiful, his presentation of the Gospel so inspiring, and his understanding of God’s love was so deep and tender to those who heard him preach.

As one of the most prolific writers of the early Church, John Chrysostom wrote prolifically on faith and morals, poverty, almsgiving, marriage, and family life. His writings promote a devout life infused with love, charity, and affection.

I find St. John Chrysostom’s words on marriage delightful, and since St. Valentine’s Day is the start of Lent, it seems like a Lenten focus on loving and serving our spouses and children might be in keeping with this year’s season.

Chrysostom on Marriage

If a man and a woman marry in order to be companions on the journey from earth to heaven, then their union will bring great joy to themselves and to others.

One of the richest images in Chrysostom’s writing on marriage is his beautiful focus on the couple as companions on the journey to heaven. The image of marriage as a journey with a destination, that we have vowed to take together is such a cozy one. We are on our way to the home of Christ together. We are pilgrims on the way to heaven. When we see our marriage as something more than our own romance or our own “story,” as a journey “on the way” to holiness, then we focus less on small annoyances, changeable emotions, and the distractions of the world.

Focused on Christ, and on our spouse as a fellow pilgrim, we can be patient with each other’s failings, hospitable to each other as we journey, and joyful at the thought of eternity with Christ and each other.

For the present life is nothing, and my most ardent dream is to spend it with you in such a way that we may be assured of not being separated in the life reserved for us… I place your love above all things, and nothing would be more bitter or painful to me than to be of a different mind than you.

Family Hospitality

The bee is more honored than other animals not because she labors, but because she labors for others.

One of the most inspiring aspects of St. John Chrysostom’s advice to married couples is his focus on service. Whenever I read his lovely words on the bee, I think of my husband working each day to provide for his family. These days, in the windy, winter weather of February, he’s building a house – spending much of his time outdoors in the cold weather and snow. He labors to provide for my life as a housewife. In my days, I try to labor for him as well, making our house warm, cozy and full of hospitality.

For indeed, a house is a little Church.

So often, when we talk about our churches, we talk about how the parish is not welcoming. We complain about lack of hospitality, an unwillingness to make space for others or welcome distracting children or homebound seniors. Our houses are little churches, tiny domestic chapels in which to receive Christ in the person of our spouse, our children, and our guests.

If we think of our homes as little churches, we’ll treat our spouse with the love that Christ asks us to show to those who come seeking Him in our churches. We’ll offer hospitality to each other, take the time to beautify ourselves and our homes for each other, and care about the needs of our spouses in the daily things.

Living Simply

Let no one be in love with money.

Of all the early saints, St. John Chrysostom has written the most on simplicity, poverty, and humble living. He emphasizes again and again the need for married couples to live simply and avoid the love of or pursuit of riches.

He encourages the homes of married Christians to be lovely, but clarifies that we should “let not what is handsome degenerate into finery. No, leave these things to the people of the stage. Adorn your house yourself with all possible neatness.”

That discretion allows us to step away from the culture of consumerism and instead create a lovely home that truly reflects our marriage and family culture, instead of the image of marriage sold in department stores and magazines.

The Beauty of Marriage

Live simply, be hospitable to each other, and love fully are some of the most consistent teachings of St. John Chrysostom regarding marriage. They are inspiring me so much as I step into a season that begins with romance and ends in resurrection. St. John Chrysostom, pray for us as we fast and pray together this Lent.