Marriage: Loss, Grief, and Recovery

I have spent most of my life as a professional charter fishing boat captain, so I often think of life in terms of the ocean.

In many ways, life is a vast, boundless sea, serene at times and tumultuous at others. And life is a journey we all undertake on our unique little boats called ourselves.

But the ocean is unpredictable, just like life. On our voyages, we sometimes encounter a storm. The storm represents the loss and grief we experience, and such storms are inevitable and universal. Everyone faces a storm at some point, just as an unavoidable storm disrupts the ocean’s calm.

In the Bible, Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 declares, “There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to give birth, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”

In life’s grand ocean, marriage is the journey of two ships sailing side by side. Sometimes, the seas are calm, the breeze is gentle, and the sunsets are glorious. The journey is blissful in these moments, like the love that binds two hearts in marriage. As per Ecclesiastes 4:9, “Two are better than one: They get a good wage for their toil.”  These words ring especially true during these times of joy, celebration, and mutual support.

Storm of Loss and Grief

But the same ocean that offers calm and serene days also brews up tempestuous storms. They are as much a part of the journey as the calm seas and can hit when least expected. Remember, however, that storms aren’t meant to capsize ships.  Instead, they teach us to steer through the roughest seas, to anchor ourselves in faith and love.

So, what do we do when we face the storm of loss and grief? Do we abandon ship or brace ourselves and ride through the storm?

It is essential to remember that just as the hurricane forms an integral part of the ocean’s character, loss and grief also form a necessary part of life. Life may seem like a cruel joke, throwing these painful episodes at us when we least expect it. It’s like those unexpected waves that crash onto our little boat, sending shivers down our spine.

But we have to remember that the storm is not there to sink us.  It can, however, help us discover our strength. Storms can mold us into seasoned sailors capable of steering our vessel through the roughest seas. As a sea captain, I regularly witness the joy of safely coming to the harbor after a nasty surprise squall.

Another View

Think of it this way. Remember when you first learned how to ride a bike as a kid? The falls, the scrapes, and the bumps were all part of the process. Their intention wasn’t to discourage you.  But because of them you learned how to balance, pedal, and maneuver.

Loss and grief, painful as they are, are the bumps and falls of life’s long ride, teaching us empathy, resilience, and the value of joy. Psalms 30:6 reminds us, “At dusk weeping comes for the night; but at dawn there is rejoicing.”

We should acknowledge our grief, respect it, and let it have its moment, just like the night that promises a brighter dawn. When we allow ourselves to experience the fullness of our loss, we prepare ourselves for the morning light that eventually follows, making room for healing and renewal.

Just as the trees shed their leaves in the fall to make way for new growth, we must let go of our grief to allow new joys to bloom. It is natural and necessary, just like the seasons that follow a set pattern. In the Bible, John 12:24 states, “Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.” Similarly, we grow from our experiences, becoming better versions of ourselves.

Loss and Grief Married to Life

Loss and grief are married to life, not to destroy but to transform us. It is like a potter molding clay. With every stroke, the potter shapes the clay into something beautiful. It may not be pleasant for the clay, but it forms a lovely, helpful pot.

I do not think we should fear the storm but embrace it.  We should not be disheartened by the darkness of the night but wait for the morning light, for it is during the storm that we find our true selves. It is in the darkness that we learn to appreciate the light.

Life is a dance between joy and sorrow, love and loss, laughter and tears. And just as every dance requires ‘two to tango,’ so does life need us to engage with joy and sorrow, love and loss.

Conclusion

Life is indeed married to loss and grief. They are the partners in this voyage that shapes, guides, and ultimately makes us who we are.  I do not think we should dread the trip but embrace it. After all, we are not merely sailors in life’s grand voyage. We are also the captains of our own stories.  And it’s up to us to decide how we steer through life’s changing storms.

Recall the closing lines of the poem “Invictus.” Invictus means “unconquered” in Latin. It is a poignant poem about personal resilience and perseverance in the face of adversity. Nelson Mandela is often linked with “Invictus” because he recited this poem to fellow prisoners on Robbins Island. The author is English poet William Ernest Henley (1849-1903).

“It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.”

Remember, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in distress” (Psalms 46:2).  No matter the storm or darkness, we’re never alone. With each storm we weather and each wave we crest, we become stronger, more resilient, and more prepared to navigate life’s limitless ocean.