As a newlywed, I wish someone had told me what to expect after the glow of infatuation had worn off. Counter to what secular society would lead us to believe, only God can meet our core need for love, not another person. Countless Catholic marriages end up in divorce because our culture has embraced the crazy notion that the man or woman of our dreams will completely fulfill us. Most of us believe the lie that a successful marriage is all about being happy, not becoming holy.
Against all odds, my husband, Michael, and I have been married for 43 years. After a difficult life, we are joyful if not always happy, and still love each other. Surprisingly, we have become one in reality, deeply in tune with each other’s spirits even though we are still opposites in personality.
Our tangible joy is inexplicable through secular eyes because from all outward appearances our life together has been a tough journey through poverty, raising nine kids, facing overwhelming chores on a small family farm, and dealing with my husband’s long-term, clinical depression.
Society today does not prepare people for such gritty realities. We have been brainwashed by Hollywood’s romantic movies. Many young women wait secretly for their knight in shining armor to whisk them off their feet so they can live happily ever after; young men long for a wonderful woman to lift off a sense of aimlessness. Although we laugh at such ridiculous fantasies as the stuff of naive, lovesick teenagers, we all must confront the deep temptation within ourselves to seek out a future partner to fulfill all of our needs.
The truth is that marriage is just as much a vocation and a sacrament as Holy Orders.
Marriage Is a Call to Holiness
Our Catholic marriage prep failed to mention that in every marriage, our perfect partner will irritate us and pull out our darkness, bringing our wounds to the surface. Once I understood this spiritual dynamic, I quit blaming my husband, Michael, for my unhappiness. Instead, I had to centre on my own need for repentance and growth. It is all part of God’s design.
I spent years thinking of myself as a pitiful, innocent victim, crying my eyes out over my plight married to an insensitive man when all along my own sins blocked Christ’s love from flowing to both of us in our marriage. Once I focused on my own need for growth rather than on Michael’s issues, the Spirit of God could finally deal with my own sinfulness and need for healing.
Instead of pointing out the grain of sand in his eye, I had to allow God to show me the log in my own eye. God designed us so only His love will fill the desperate desires of our hearts. Once I understood this truth, I could allow real love, respectful love, to grow between Michael and myself without making crushing demands on the poor guy to fulfill the role of God in my life.
Accessing Power in the Sacrament of Marriage
How did our marriage survive, never mind thrive? The grace available in the Sacrament of Marriage is not some esoteric theology; it is real and it is powerful. The power available in the sacrament is what kept my husband and me together through the rough years. We both understood, beyond a doubt, that God brought us together. We never questioned this basic call from God, our vocation together, even during the dark years.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church unequivocally declares the power and grace showered on couples through this sacrament:
This grace proper to the sacrament of Matrimony is intended to perfect the couple’s love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity. By this grace they “help one another to attain holiness in their married life and in welcoming and educating their children.”
Christ is the source of this grace. “Just as of old God encountered his people with a covenant of love and fidelity, so our Savior, the spouse of the Church, now encounters Christian spouses through the sacrament of Matrimony.” Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to “be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,” and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love. In the joys of their love and family life he gives them here on earth a foretaste of the wedding feast of the Lamb (CCC 1641-1642).
Humour
I have always managed to keep our difficulties in perspective through humour. One of my jokes is on the typical marriage vow about for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. I say, “Well, we’ve seen worse, poorer, and sickness and we are more than ready for better, richer, and healthier.” Then I dissolve into gales of laughter. I must admit Michael never failed to simply raise one eyebrow in my direction and smile apologetically at our visitors.
However, the truth is humour works. It has been proven, when people laugh at their foibles and do not take themselves too seriously, their problems suddenly shrink, and they in turn gain perspective. Over-dramatizing conflict is deadly. This is simply an example of cognitive therapy in action: take a step away from each conflict and looking at the big picture, through the eyes of God.
The Gift of Suffering
Surprisingly, one of the keys to the longevity of our marriage is suffering. Suffering was a gift which unified us because it stripped away false pride and forced us to our knees in prayer. Honest prayer led both of us to self-knowledge, humility, and compassion for each other. When I asked a priest what my life would have been like if I had not suffered, if I had married a well-off dentist, had 1.25 kids, and lived in an efficient, modern house, he put on a phony, pious face, put his hands together in prayer, and said in a high, mocking voice, ”Oh, you would be a nice Christian lady, praising the Lord.” What he meant by that amusing bit of acting was I would be shallow, without depth and strength. Well, when I see the results of a bit of suffering in our marriage, I say bring it on.
The Role of Faith in Our Marriage
The only reason my husband and I got married and stayed married is our faith. We are a brother and a sister in Christ, fellow children of God who seek His will together. We have always been on the same page, sensing the next level of growth in our spiritual walk and changing at the same pace. This has been a pure gift from God. It was growth in my faith which helped heal our marriage because when I quit demanding love from my husband, quit trying to control him, he was set free to love me in freedom and in truth, in the power of the Spirit of God. When I let go and surrendered to God, He blessed me with more than I could ever have asked for in our marriage.
Why We Have a Large Family
We read a homily by Pope John Paul II whose main premise was that letting go of control and trusting in God was not some abstract principle, but a day-to-day practical call that included the surrender of our fertility by not using contraception. Although we could not imagine how large our family would become, his words continued to resonate within both of us. Guilt lifted off and a sense of purpose took its place. Many small experiences kept reinforcing the truth: God calls each of our children into being with our cooperation. We stumbled blindly at times, but then a burst of clarity would shine a light on our purpose as we lived out our pro-life mission.
Looking back over 43 years of marriage. I am filled with the joy of the Lord, grateful my husband is a patient man.
St. Paul said: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church. . . . This is a great mystery, and I mean in reference to Christ and the Church” (Eph 5:25, 32).
The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator. By its very nature it is ordered to the good of the couple, as well as to the generation and education of children. Christ the Lord raised marriage between the baptized to the dignity of a sacrament (CCC 1659-1660).
11 thoughts on “Living in a Joyful, If Not Always Happy, Marriage”
Dear Melanie, I have let this percolate for a few days – what you have written is exquisite. God’s thoughts were not your thoughts when He decided that of all men in all of human history He was going to gift you with Michael to help Him bring you home. And vice-versa. You cannot argue with His decision – You are the absolute best person to bring His Michael to spend eternity with Him-and vice versa. He has let you have, and is continuing to let you have this tiny taste here of good and glory and Michael, with each act of goodness Michael has done for you all these years (and every thing you did in love for him), so that you will know what heaven forever can be and will be. And this doesn’t even begin to touch or explain the nine embodiments of your love and God’s love that He has gifted you both with. Enjoy every moment. And kiss Michael daily. Guy, Texas
Thank you, Guy, for your warm encouragement, gentle reminders, and wisdom.
I’m glad you wrote on this topic – I just had a thought about it the other day. I think it’s funny that many people seem to think that a religious vocation (without marriage) would be intolerable, so the best and easiest choice would be to get married. I would imagine that most people who are married would likely tell you that it is not the easy way out. I would imagine also that most people with a religious vocation would say the same thing.
At 20, I too thought marriage was the easy way out and was the thing to do for most people. I had no idea at the time that marriage was even a vocation, that God called people to certain things in life, or that God had much to do with anything at all. Marriage is a struggle at times, but I can see how the struggle is part of what makes it a vocation.
Well said; I couldn’t agree more.
One wonders why a lifelong marriage should be such a trial. It has not been for us. It’s 26 years now and no sign of trouble.
It’s harder to be happily married if you do it the approved “Catholic” way.
1. No premarital sex.
2. No birth control. If you want to avoid pregnancy, do it NFP — i.e., only penis-in-vagina orgasm, and only during those times of the cycle when the wife least has desire.
3. If you have same sex attractions, put them out of your mind.
4. No question of divorce. As a pop singer put it some time ago, “Praying for the end of time, so I can end this time with you!” If you go the annulment route, you have to lie to your spouse, to your children, to the Church, and to yourself.
All of these things, the Church considers features, not bugs. What can you expect from a theology formulated by people who had no conception of what it’s like to be married? So much damage, over the centuries, done to so many young, amorous, well-intentioned young couples, resulting in lives of unhappiness, and at worst domestic violence, murder, alcoholism, suicide . . . and badly f**ked up children continuing the dysfunction into the next generation.
Sounds like the secular life has been good for you. It also sounds like you have a background in sociology. Have you published any studies on how traditional morality inflicts chaos while secularism guarantees bliss?
Such a fabulous witness on the holy call and joy of marriage and family! Society desperately needs to hear this message!
Exactly. Catholic couples must figure out how to tell their stories, write articles, and speak out so that secular society actually hears their witness to the truth.
On second thought, it is actually Catholic couples who need to understand the challenges everyone faces in marriage and how to grow closer to each other and the Lord.
The most insightful, down to earth and practical advice on marriage I’ve ever read. Melanie Juneau is an inspiration and marriage model to women everywhere. On a personal note, I really needed to read this article in the early morning hours as I sometimes forget where my strength lies when tiny irritations creep into my long and sometimes challenged marriage.
Thanks for sharing. Just beautiful.
Thank you, Ida. You are right when you say that most couples foolishly allow small irritations to become huge issues and then lose sight of all the blessings available to them through Christ.