Holy Mary, Mother Of God

More than anywhere else, I grew up in Permian Basin oil fields of West Texas and Southeastern New Mexico. At the northeastern edge of the Chihuahuan Desert, the area is flat, hot, dry, and apart from the Hispanic population, extremely Protestant.

So being from West Texas, I grew up Episcopalian. And for many, Episcopalians are half-way Catholics.  But even if that were true, it is a half without Marian devotion.

There was more than a little “Those Catholics worship Mary” rumbling in the background in those days.  Even then, however, I discarded this as ignorant and unfounded.  But it did leave me with a curiosity about Marian devotion. This curiosity  became very active when I converted to Roman Catholicism.

While I went to RICA classes (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults, now called OCIA) in 2006, the teachers covered a lot of ground in a (relatively) few short hours.  Mary and Marian devotion, however, did not receive a lot of coverage during the classes. So when my weekly study group recently decided to read and discuss the book “World’s First Love: Mary, Mother of God” by Archbishop Fulton Sheen and Fr. Andrew Apostoli C. F. R., I experienced some eager anticipation.

I haven’t been disappointed.

Correction – I haven’t been disappointed intellectually. I am still waiting to connect emotionally with Mary the way many of my friends in the Church do.

Emotional Connections

Being honest, emotional connection in devotions is, to put it politely and mildly, not my strong suit. There are times during worship services, at times in the Adoration Chapel when I do have emotional surges. Usually these are feelings of sorrow accompanied by tears.

There was a time a few years back when this was not uncommon for me during Mass.

This was possibly a gift during a particular time of sorrow in the Church.  I think this because it has not persisted in any consistent way.  The emotional surges passed once the sorrow passed.

The point is, while I know what emotional connection and experience is like, I have rarely experienced it except for certain special periods of time.

So I find I have at least some mild feeling of being left out when people talk about their emotional connections in a way suggesting that this is their default experience in worship or devotional practices like prayer or meditation.

This can present a challenge in approaching the study of Mary.

Parental Relationships

I have read that our relationships with our earthly father can influence our relationships with God. The same, I suppose, is true of our relationship with the Mother of God.

My relationship with my mother was increasingly distant over the years. At one point one I recall her church friends asked her how I was doing.  She replied “Well, you’ve probably heard from him more recently than I have.”

To be fair to both of us, in her sudden final illness she called me and I came at once.  I  was either with her or outside in the hospital hall for her final 30 hours.  But even that final intimate devotion left me with difficult, complicated feelings.  It took several years of therapy and prayer to come to peace with these feelings.

So when I read the enthusiastic, emotional comparisons of devotion to Mary that compares her to our earthly mothers, I can find myself struggling with my more difficult memories.

I had some similar challenges during my adult conversion with God as our Father.  Likely this was because my mom had less than wonderful taste in husbands (only 2 of them, fortunately). Being a male and having been a husband since I was 20 years old, however,  has helped me here.  I had a somewhat easier time getting over the distortions my earthly fathers promoted in my image of God the Father.

Dreaming

But it is only recently that I have really come to grapple with my desire to develop a relationship with our Heavenly Mother. It began in my weekly Holy Hour reflections and prayers, and intensified in our weekly study group.

Some time back I had a vivid dream in which I was sleeping in one of the church pews! I was actually home in bed, but you know how dreams can be. I dream-awakened to find an apparition of the Blessed Virgin before me.

In the dream I knew I needed to kiss her feet, but was convinced that to do that would leave my lips blistered and scorched. As I rose to do so, I woke up.  As you can imagine, the dream left a strong impression on me.

Understanding

Since then I have gone through periods when I pray for a better, more emotional connection to Mary, but seldom for very long. I tend to return to my cautious, circumspect West Texas Episcopal childhood attitude.  This is one of respect tinged with caution against getting “carried away.”  And every few months I return to that dream, understanding that my fear in the dream must represent some fear in my current life.

I have sought counsel, and have been advised that sometimes our reluctance is protecting us from issues that we are not ready to handle.   Slow and gentle progress is preferred to  sudden and abrupt change.

My response to this runs from agreeing that it is wise thinking, and remembering an old cartoon.  The cartoon is two vultures sitting in a tree in a desert.  One vulture says to the other, “I’m done with patience; let’s kill something.”

The stark brutality of the old joke usually bring me up short and back to the idea that gentle progress is likely far more wise than attempting to transform from a vulture to an eagle.

Reading Bishop Sheen’s and Fr. Apostoli’s book is shoring up, expending, and refining my understanding of Marian devotion. But as is so often the case for us all, it will take time and prayer and God’s moving in His own time to bring me to the emotional connection that seems to be so rich and rewarding for many of my fellow parishioners.

Prayer

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us, lost children of Eve as we search to become closer to your Son, Jesus, to our God his Father, and to you and all the saints.

Heavenly Father, help us balance our understanding with our feelings, that we may more fully enter nourishing relationships with you and the Trinity, with the communion of saints, and especially with the Holy Family. Guide us and guard us and lead us from seeing dimly, “as in a mirror,” to seeing “face to face,” and to knowing “fully, as I am fully known.”

Amen