“What do you mean you don’t care? Don’t you want justice for your daughter?”
The fury in the Assistant State Attorney’s voice vibrated in my ear. I sighed. I was so tired of rehashing the whole thing once again. How do you explain to a hot-shot young public prosecutor that nothing he does can bring her back?
She’s gone. She’s been gone for many years.
Then again, he’s just doing his job. At least someone is trying to do something. I’d agitated at the time the men who’d shot her were arrested but was told by a lady public prosecutor that they didn’t want to bring the case to trial too soon. They wanted their “ducks in a row.” Because the public defender was a wily man and could get the whole thing thrown out on a technicality.
Knowing nothing about the law or how it works, I capitulated. The fight went out of me. What good was it anyway?
It wouldn’t bring her back.
But here I was. Fifteen years later. And I so wanted to avoid reliving the events that led to that night or the days afterward.
The Assistant State Attorney was persistent. The state would fly me to Florida; I was in Maryland then; fetch me at the airport and take me to a hotel – all so the following day I could go to court and see the young man who had driven the getaway car.
I backpedaled, as always. The concept of non-confrontation was written for me. I’m a poster girl for peace at all costs.
This young man never held a gun.
Florida still has the death sentence, but it was taken off the table, and he got life in jail without parole. I promised to attend the court proceedings when the young man who had fired and killed my daughter came to trial.
I’ve heard nothing in the five years since that phone call.
What made me think of it this morning?
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2023
For outside of forgiveness, there is no hope; outside of forgiveness, there is no peace. Forgiveness is the oxygen that purifies the air of hatred; forgiveness is the antidote to the poisons of resentment; it is the way to defuse anger and heal so many maladies of the heart that contaminate society (Pope Francis).
And I truly believe that there is healing in forgiving. This may be why I’m so ambivalent about what happens to those men and the one who pulled the trigger.
What were their backgrounds? Who were their role models? How did they grow up? Did they have enough to eat? Did anybody hug them, tell them how wonderful and smart they were, and then send them to school? What level of education did they have? Did they ever hold a job and earn honest money?
And if not, why not. What happened in their young lives growing up to have them seek acceptance and family in a violent street gang?
The cycle of violence and poverty repeating itself is well-known.
What chance did they ever have to live, behave, and act like ordinary young people?
Life was stacked against them from the start. Breaking free from that environment takes work.
I do not make excuses for their behavior; I do not condone them killing my daughter, who had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I’m only painting a picture.
And now to compare.
I had researched and handpicked the exclusive private prep school where I sent her when we arrived in Florida. Here, she would mix with and meet young people from similar backgrounds. Families who went to church. Young people who had the Catholic faith as part of their daily instruction.
These kids did not know hunger deprivation, being kicked out of their homes by drunk parents with nowhere to go, sleeping on park benches, and being told they were worthless and stupid.
Undoubtedly, there were isolated cases of abuse. There always are. But on an overall basis, this school would be a safe home from home.
Until it was not.
My forgiveness didn’t come for many years for the boys from that exclusive prep school who drugged and raped her at a “safe” private home, sending her into a downward spiral that led to her being in that place that day.
To be shot and killed.
Her death was a movie reel on continuous replay in the days and months after. I wrote to her every night, telling her about my day. I’d talk to her while driving, telling her about the horrendous Miami traffic and the rude drivers.
I’d discuss my co-workers. Those I tiptoed around, those that were easy to talk to. I told her about the one who bought me a garden ornament of a butterfly on a stick. One I could jam into a pot plant. And I told her about the plaque they bought me –
“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.”
Twenty years on, that plaque still sits at my front door.
Then came the night I decided to sleep in her bed. We’d bought her this waterbed secondhand, but it didn’t come with a heater, and knowing nothing about water beds, I didn’t know we had to buy one. Neither did Dad.
I was frozen the next morning. And felt terrible about how cold she must’ve been; now, I would never have the chance to warm her.
Because she was gone.
I would stand inside her walk-in closet and wrap the clothes around me. Inhale. Her favorite scent of Gabriela Sabatini lingered. Along with the memories.
That night, I’d write and tell her all about it.
The class of 2002 graduated. Her class. Scattered to start their new lives. There would be no new beginning for her.
I wondered whether those boys ever thought of her. Did they realize the part they had played in her death? They had been a part of it as much as if they had pulled the trigger.
Forgiveness came slowly. I prayed those young men would have safe and fruitful lives, but more than anything else, I prayed that if they had a daughter, those girls would grow up safe and never meet boys like their dads once were. Just keep them safe, Lord, I’d ask.
One day, I realized that it was okay. It’s not for me to judge. All I need to do is forgive. It’s all in our Father’s hands anyway.
And so, I did. I went on my knees and asked God to take care of those young men and their families, especially their daughters. If God could forgive, so could I.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 20
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14 thoughts on “Forgive and Forget- Is It Even Possible?”
Honestly, my advice would be to keep Ephesians 6 in mind where St Paul reminds us we are not in a struggle against flesh and blood but of powers much stronger than us.
I know this seems like small consolation when crimes like this are committed and our first reaction is vengeance and justice at all costs. I would be the same just as anyone if a loved one was harmed or worse, killed by someone else. BUT, if the Word of GOD is seen as small consolation then perhaps each of us need to look at our priorities in life and decide what it is we believe. Do we have faith or do we just say that we have faith?
I pray for the victims, the families involved and even the criminals…our goal is to get as many to Heaven as possible and keep hell from filling up….our battle is not with each other as none of us deserve forgiveness or mercy but receive it nonetheless from Our Father Creator.
Administer justice through the law of course BUT for those doing their jobs….don’t make it personal and certainly don’t pretend this gives any sort of closure or finality to someone’s loss. That never goes away and as was said….no matter what penalty these criminals get it won’t bring back your loved one. Another reason we all must be watchful and ready for our own death because we never know….we only have the present moment and that can end in a blink…are you ready for real judgment?
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. And the time you took to craft a reply. I am grateful I do not have to make these life-and-death decisions like those who administer the law.
But this I know – even though a sinner, I am ready for real judgment as I know God sees my heart. And honestly, I look forward to being reunited with loved ones who had gone before.
Thanks again and a Blessed Advent and Christmas for you and yours.
Thank you for your powerful witness. God bless you and your loved ones always!
Good morning! Thank you for taking the time and trouble to respond. From a mother’s heart, much appreciated. And Christmas blessings and prayers for you and your family.
Ida,
Yes, people can forgive. God bless you!
captcrisis
Hello, my friend.
I always light up when I see your “name.” Thank you for being here, and thank you for taking the time to read and respond. May you have a wonderful a nd blessed Christmas.
Ida,
You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story. May God keep your heart in peace, and your daughter in his loving arms.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading and responding. And thank you for understanding.
It would be very interesting to pick up a stitch from Muslim justice vis a vis the crime
of murder and subsequent death sentence. Only the family of the victim can stop an execution; apply mercy. Take every family on earth who’ve lost a love one through this capital sin and letting them decide their life-death fate would reveal the percentage rate of mercy. Break it down by ethnicity, culture, religion, even the None’s; add in the politics (democratic, republican, socialist) and once more these hypothetical numbers would titrate the amount of ‘forgiveness’ available. Who among us would not cringe just before showing the results ? For those who would have no interference with Caesar’s lawful judgments, cast no dispersion, for it is written that there is ‘… a time to kill.‘ Since the fratricide of Able was deemed not worthy of the death penalty, the question begged
is ‘what now’. The killer who rampaged a youth camp in Norway, killing 70, will be free in three years after 21 years of liberal living. Mercy gone rancid is worse than justice denied.
The silent disease that this and many other forms of soft sentencing results in a terrible choleric simmering that produces a malaise once coined by the phrase ‘mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. It especially affects law enforcement who see evil beings let out before their paper work is finished – call it the George Floyd effect. The bottom line is, unless the pendulum stops dead center, we’re in for a needlessly wild ride.
Hello there.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I understand and agree with what you are saying, however –
“it is not therapy for the self.”
When you have lost your daughter, your only child, and forgiving lessens the pain and helps bring closure, I’ll apply the therapy any time.
Thanks again.
Ida
Ida,
“She’s gone. She’s been gone for many years.” How far away is she? How far away has she been?
Hello Richard.
Thanks for being here.
My daughter was shot and killed on March 13th, 2003.
Once again, thanks for reading and responding.
“Brother” and “sister” in the New Testament refer to fellow Christians. And the command to forgive them assumes that the offender has repented of his offense.There is no obligation to forgive everyone in every situation. And the forgiveness, when it is given, is given for the benefit of the Christian community; it is not therapy for the self. I’m not sure that Catholics, including Pope Francis, really understand these things.
Jesus taught us to pray, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” I don’t see anything about the offender’s repentance there, nor about the offender being a brother or sister.
Ida sets a remarkable example for us. Let us accept it for what it is, a grace God has given to her to help ease her sorrow.