Curse the Darkness or Light A Candle?

Today as I make preparation to attend a holiday celebration with my family, it is not without trepidation. Why do I feel this way? Well, there is a sense of obligation mixed with nostalgia for the way things used to be, could be or should be; I want to be there and I don’t want to be there. What a quandary I find myself in. They are my family, my loved ones, my sons, their wives, my grandchildren, even a mother-in-law, and ex-daughter-in-law will be there. Family, I know them well; at one time or another I’ve been close, there have been hugs, I love yous, acts of kindness and care. But will any of that be there today?

Sin

In the garden of goodness, I have discovered weeds. There is a sin here, and a sin there. An unresolved conflict may greet me at the door; a glimpse of deception may sit across from me at the table; a lie or two may sit to my left or to my right. Even the host has muddied the waters a time or two. And as I think about the upcoming dinner, I’m just not sure what to do.

So I pray during my morning walk.  I tell the Lord all that troubles me; I even ask him whether I should attend or not. In my “mind’s eye” when I look at my loved ones I see their sins unrepentant and soon to be repeated. Their sins have an odor, or a strange color, an aura that fills the air. Sin is there, I cannot deny it and I feel helpless in its company. Does the Lord want me to attend this holiday dinner with my loved ones? Do I need to be there? Is my presence a passive consent for their unrepentant sins?

Looking to The Gospels For Answers

As I continued my morning walk,  I stopped thinking and started praying, one decade of the Rosary for one problem, seeking one answer to one question: “to go or not to go?”

Because my mind was wandering, I focused on the mystery of the Rosary. Today is Thursday, I chose the Annunciation and thought about the angel Gabriel speaking to our Blessed Mother with a message that would change the world forever, when she said ” yes ” to God: “Mary said, ‘Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word'” (Luke 1:38). I think that we all need to say yes to God if only we can hear the question.

I prayed, I cleared my mind, I listened and found the voice of God speaking to me through my own thoughts, through my soul, through my heart,  a current of truth, like clear water, flowing through me in peace.

My thoughts shifted to the Last Supper. Who was there? We all know that even though Jesus was with “his loved ones,” his friends, sin was there as well. Yet Jesus embraced that sin of betrayal then and there, just as he would embrace so much more on the cross. He did not turn away from it and he most certainly did not condone it. And of course, his presence in no way was an acceptance of “the sin of betrayal.”

Focus on the Flickering Candle

As my prayer-meditation continued I thought of Judas’ sin like a shadow or dark presence surrounding a flickering candle. That candle represented the remaining “goodness” in his soul, perhaps not much, but a flickering none-the-less. Perhaps Jesus focused more on “that light” than the sin. After all, Judas had free will; he could have chosen to not betray our Lord.

I realize that his betrayal was the cause of Jesus’ arrest and subsequent trial. But I believe that had Judas decided to not betray Christ, Divine Providence would have found another way for  Jesus to be arrested and brought to trial. However, as we all know, Judas did betray our Lord, the light went out, and Jesus said, “What you are going to do, do quickly”(John 13:27). The decision was made, hope and reconciliation stepped to one side and the clear path to destruction was the only path Judas could follow.

After my prayer-meditation, I understood that I need to focus on that flickering flame; I need to hope that where repentance is lacking my presence and prayers may lend encouragement to overcome sin.

I realized that armed with Faith, Hope, and Charity I need to go to that holiday dinner, to share my life with my loved ones and add light to the flickering candle of life, if I can, through the grace of God.