Burdens

We have to remember that when our Lord is speaking to anyone in the gospels, He is, in a way, speaking to us: to you and me.  So, when He rebukes the Pharisees for nitpicking on manners while neglecting more important matters, He is telling you and me not to make our spiritual life a sort of checklist of duties and instead examine our motives.  By the same token, when he tells the lawyers to stop placing burdens on others that are impossible to bear, He wants us to stop it and not make life harder for them than it needs to be.  

We place burdens on others that make their life more difficult and I’d like to suggest three. They are not particularly deep and you won’t find them in many spiritual manuals, but, in my experience, removing them can go a long way to making life easier for those around us.

The first is our moods.  We can all be moody and some more than others. Temperament plays a large role: some are Christopher Robins and others are Eyeores.  Circumstances may justify our moods: the car breaks down, a loved one is ill, or there are unexpected bills.  Nevertheless, others aren’t at fault for these and don’t deserve our moods.  At the very least we often need to tell our moods where to get off.  Others at work shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of our troubles at home, and those at home shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of our troubles at work.  No one should have to deal with our anger at the traffic, or the weather, or the state of the nation or the Church.

The British actor David Niven was known on and off screen for his self-effacing humor and gracious manners.  At his funeral, the largest wreath was from the porters at London’s Heathrow Airport.  The inscription read, “To the finest gentleman who ever walked through these halls.  He made a porter feel like a king.”  That is a high standard.  What made it more remarkable was learning that apparently, he had a rather turbulent marriage.  There were faults on both sides, I’m sure, but the point is he never let his own troubles make him a burden to others.  He put them aside and lightened their load.

Are we the sort of person around whom others have to “walk on eggshells” as the saying goes? Do others have to worry about what mood we’re in before they can talk to us?  Are we kind or gracious to others simply because we’ve had a good breakfast?  Well, don’t be like that.

St. Francis de Sales said, “An even disposition is one of the greatest virtues in the spiritual life; one for which we must struggle continuously.”  Moods are a struggle, but they are just feelings and feelings can often be trained by actions. It takes work but it can be done.  Smile. Whistle. Greet others cheerfully.  Ask others how they are doing – and listen.  Be in a good mood even when you’re not in a good mood. It’s one less burden others will have to bear.

Second, don’t make work for others, which we do particularly when we don’t pick up after ourselves or put things back where they belong.  Again, temperament plays a large part, and some seem able to function in a mess and can even be oblivious to it.  Others may not mention our untidiness.  They may have become accustomed to it. It does, though, create more work for others, and that’s a burden others shouldn’t have to bear.

When others have to clean up our mess or spend time hunting for things we didn’t put away properly, it’s like putting sand in their gears.  It can slow them down and throw off their day. It can create problems beyond the extra work.  Dirty dishes left in the family room and underwear left on the floor are often tinder for the brush fires that flare up. A little consideration for others can stop them before they start.

Finally, remove the burden of unreasonable expectations, especially on young people. While I do think that most young people, especially in America, are spoiled, I also believe they face enormous pressures. Through advertising and social media, our culture weighs them down to an extent that can be crippling.  Whether it’s academic pressure, the stress of getting into the “right” college (or even going to college), the strain of athletics and traveling teams, the need to look like the latest Cover Girl, or simply the weight of “fitting in,” kids today can feel like every day is a mountain too high to climb.

We should expect certain conduct. We should expect each to do his best. But after that, drop it.  “Comparison is the thief of joy” as the saying goes. Parents shouldn’t expect each child to be the same, or to be like the children of other families.  Children shouldn’t expect their parents to be – or have been – perfect.  And none of us should be trying to keep up with the Joneses (unless our name is Jones). Going down those rabbit holes is a complete waste of time.

Life is hard.  The day-to-day grind can wear us all down.  Don’t add to the burdens others face. Instead, try to lighten their load.  These are just three ways we can do it.  I’m sure you can think of more.