Building a Happy, Healthy Marriage

We’ve all heard it said that some marriages are “made in heaven,” but couples who have been married a long time and those who have suffered from the sting of separation and divorce attest this isn’t true.

Most couples in these marriages ignore some telltale signs of trouble, sweep them under the rug, so to speak, and then one day find themselves no longer able to cope with the business of daily living with their spouses. A priest theologian once said it’s hard enough to live with yourself, but it’s a lot harder to live with and be married to the same person for many years.

Signs of Trouble

But psychologists and family experts tell us about some common signs of marital trouble. In Reader’s Digest article, “Keys to a lasting marriage,” psychologist Alan Loy McGinnis lists various signs of trouble and counsels what to do about them:

Husband and wife no longer laugh together or surprise each other. This is true among couples coping with the pressures of work, kids, extended family, and family life in general. They come home from work spent and exhausted with no time for fun. Thus, says McGinnis, a neglected relationship can become dull and humorless.

He says couples in love enjoy planning unexpected pleasures for their mates. “He stops on the way home to buy her a rose, simply because he enjoys seeing the delight in her eyes when he hands it to her. It is not so much the deed as the thought that bespeaks love. When surprises disappear, it is a sure sign that vitality has gone out of the marriage,” McGinnis says.

I always show my appreciation for my husband’s pleasant surprises, big and small – a computer system with dual monitors (the works!), a pocketbook, even my favorite fruitcake, to name a few. I’d surprise him with his favorite sinigang sa sampaloc [milkfish and vegetables boiled in tamarind juice] or a small sign pen I found in a bookstore. Gifts don’t have to be grandiose.

Husband or wife confides in other people and fantasizes about having an affair. This is worse when a spouse reveals his or her unhappiness to a member of the opposite sex. McGinnis says dwelling on thoughts of an affair increases the chance of the fantasy coming true.

Confiding one’s marital woes (just for the heck of it) to somebody who is not a therapist or psychologist (with no intention of doing something about those troubles) not only violates the other spouse’s privacy but is also uncharitable.

Husband and wife never reminisce or talk about their feelings or beliefs. “Most happy couples strengthen bonds by savoring their past,” says McGinnis.

They enjoy watching family movies, flipping through photo albums, talking about shared adventures, laughing at the way they weathered some crisis…when two people are close, they enjoy talking to each other about what they believe and how their convictions are changing. Sharing your most personal beliefs is not only a gift of love but an act of trust. When reminiscing ceases, some significant shift of feelings has taken place.

Husband and wife avoid each other. The symptoms can vary – husband comes home late at night, wife goes to bed early, he is given to drinking or gambling, she’s not home when she is supposed to be. Needless to say, their marriage is in big trouble.

Tried and True Practices

McGinnis shares important tips for couples wanting to fix a troubled marriage and making it happy and vibrant:

• Don’t be afraid to talk about your dissatisfaction. He says if one spouse has the courage to begin, usually the other partner is eager to discuss the problem, McGinnis writes, saying there are right and wrong ways to expressing one’s frustration. Instead of saying “you’re boring these days,” he says, try something like, “Honey, I don’t feel we’re as close as we used to be, and I miss it. Have you been thinking the same thing?”
• Talk and listen. McGinnis says the happiest married couples usually set aside a regular time just to talk. “Many couples benefit from getting out of the house to talk, even if it’s only for a stroll. This eliminates any temptation to fold laundry or watch TV instead of concentrating on each other,” he says.
• Hold hands, hug each other. Back rubs, holding hands, and hugging can do a lot to strengthen the marriage bond because we all require that kind of physical closeness, McGinnis says.
• Find time to have fun. Money may not at all factor in when married couples want to have fun. “Happy couples occasionally abandon their adult ways to play. They are not ashamed to tease, pretend and surprise, then collapse laughing into each other’s arms,” says McGinnis. Come to think of it, visiting a nearby ice cream parlor or taking a walk could be more fun than an expensive dinner in a fancy restaurant.

Lived Experience

And here is my two cents’ worth from my own lived experience: Go to church together, pray the Rosary together, encourage each other to go to confession.

Marriage is not only a commitment made by a man and a woman to each other – it is also a vow to keep each other close to Jesus, Mary, and the saints. Matrimony is a union raised to the level of a sacrament. Truth be told, without faith and Divine Providence, no marriage will last long.