Assertiveness Training for Catholics

Assertiveness is one of the most important qualities to have for success in your professional life. Jordan Peterson, a Canadian psychologist, says that assertiveness and even “unpleasantness” are crucial for advancing in your career. While it is a particularly masculine trait and might come easier for men, it can be practiced and improved upon by all, and he says he works on it frequently in job training.

I am a person to whom assertiveness does not come naturally. I am more naturally a people-pleaser and hyper-sensitive. However, over the years, perhaps because of our growing number of kids (we are expecting our sixth) or these articles I write on sensitive subjects, it seems I have to deal with a lot more criticism. People either love me or hate me. Sometimes it might seem to Christians that holiness is being nice, but it’s not. The more you do God’s will in the world, the more you will have enemies and suffer persecution. Therefore, the more you need to establish priorities, learn how to say no, strengthen your backbone and rest only in God’s favor and not the world’s.

Saying No

It is hard to say no to people asking for favors, company or interesting projects. One of the worst things I do regularly is say yes to too many things, get tired and overspread and then have to cancel. It is also the worst when people say yes to you and then let you down later. “Let your ‘Yes’ mean ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No’ mean ‘No’. Anything more is from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37). To know what to say yes and no to with confidence, you have to take it to prayer and to spiritual direction regularly. If you are married, you have to let your spouse’s opinion be the most important deciding factor. One of the four cardinal virtues is prudence, which the Catechism defines as:

the virtue that disposes practical reason to discern our true good in every circumstance and to choose the right means of achieving it […] It is no to be confused with timidity or fear, nor with duplicity or dissimulation (CCC 1806).

Leadership and Authority

I have written before that all Christians are called to be leaders. This is a quality especially apparent when taking care of children. I have noticed this from when I used to teach kids, now raising my kids and observing babysitters. Kids don’t appreciate “niceness” or “being soft” in which they are confused about who is the adult. You need a lot of energy and initiative to actively engage kids. When they start misbehaving or acting violent, the best is not to obsessively focus on the behavior or correct/punish until it stops, but to distract with something else. To “overcome evil by good” (Romans 12:21) and sing a song, be cheerful, make a joke, read a book, go outside or play a game. Usually, negativity comes from being tired, hungry, bored, or attention-deprived. It takes a lot of energy, assertiveness, and imagination to change the direction of a negative mood or atmosphere.

Awash in Niceness and Political Correctness

Nowadays, if you say a biological man is a man your Twitter account can be suspended (see the example of the Babylon Bee). If you speak the truth, you will have enemies and you will suffer persecution. Of course, for the sake of apostolate and friendship, you probably want to avoid having religious and political arguments with family and friends. And in groups. You have to be prudent, and “wise as serpents” (Matthew 10:16). We don’t usually convince people in heated arguments and with rational debate, but rather by our example and by a little tidbit of truth when they ask for it.

I used to try to “be reasonable” when people gawked about how many kids I have and how much work it must be. I used to try to make them not feel bad about their own options and say something like “well, everything has advantages and disadvantages and one of the advantages is that they play together.” Now, I know there are no disadvantages. I have two or three answers ready and I reply with more assertiveness. “Everything that is good takes work.” “Yes, but children are what brings the most joy to life and families.” “It’s the best job in the world and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.”

We can proclaim the truth with our lives, and give assertive answers when asked about it.

Energy for Cheerfulness

It is hard to have conversations with difficult people. With grumpy people. With jealous people. With people who are making our life harder because theirs isn’t going very well. This is the most frequent, as our lives are meant to be uphill and full of obstacles. It takes a lot of energy and assertiveness, which we get from prayer and sacraments, to lead conversations in a positive way. To change the subject tactfully or even abruptly when it is hurtful or not appropriate. To ask about the other person, have genuine interest in their life, and not just complain about our own.

Energy for Creativity

It also takes a lot of energy and assertiveness to prioritize the “higher” things in life, and not get run down by the hamster wheel of material life and never having enough time and money (no one ever does). The wellspring here is, again, prayer and sacraments. The second reading on Easter Sunday told us “If then you were raised with Christ, seek what is above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Think of what is above, not of what is on earth” (Col 3:1-2). Making a commitment to a prayer schedule is hard and requires firmness on our part, in the middle of countless needs and urgent requests. With prudence, choosing what is right, having a spiritual vision that is more long-term, towards what I want for my family or even what will count in Heaven, and carrying it out, requires assertiveness to say no to everything else. I try to make time to exercise (occasionally), play piano, help my children play instruments, and write articles like this one because those things are all aligned with my mission and calling. It is easy to get swallowed up in dishes, meals, laundry, diapers, and appointments.

Even Though You Are Dust

Finally, it is hard to be assertive whether in our decisions and priorities, or whether in proclaiming the truth, because we are all insecure, brimming with doubts, sin, and addictions. How can I say or do this with assertiveness, if I’m not sure? If I were proclaiming myself and my own greatness, then, yes, I should just keep my mouth shut because that will surely go wrong. Luckily, “we do not preach ourselves: the light seen in his gospel is the glory of Christ (2 Cor 4:4)”. The Holy Spirit, if we are plugged in, works in us and inspires words, actions, ideas, and feelings. “…Do not worry about how or what your defense will be or about what you are to say. For the Holy Spirit will teach you at that moment what you should say” (Luke 12:11-12).

What if I’m wrong? Well, I will apologize (what a blessing the Sacrament of Confession is!) and move on with my life. Not being right all the time is great for my ego. Life is about falling and getting up. Starting over again a million times. We are called to conversion every day.

Catholics: get pluckier, get louder, own your life, be saints. This is our generation and there is no one else to shine in it except for us.